Tuesday, 21 October 2008

Lyrical Therapy: DAY 1


I’m grieving. That’s the only way to explain it. It’s what I do. When a chapter in my life comes to an end…I grieve for three days, like a death.

My grieving tools, utensils and consumables for this particular episode include:
1. A hookah pipe with 2 boxes of mint flavoured tobacco (they were out of strawberry)
2. Chocolate
3. Chicken
4. More chocolate
5. iPod and a wide variety of music
6. Dark chocolate
7. Some DVD’s
8. Mint flavoured chocolate
9. My Musallah and Quraan
10. Backup chocolate

Thankfully no one is at home to witness this pathetic state of existence. I pop in the iPod. It’s amazing how every song seems related to the situation. Every lyric is speaking to me…the myriad rollercoaster of emotions takes over…Anger, Sadness, Vengeance, Determination, Complacency…Some of these lyrics are even tweaked to fit the situation.

Just like I predicted, we’re at the point of no return,
We can’t go backwards, and all corners have been turned.
I can’t control it, if I sink or if I swim
Cause these are the waters that I’m in
And it makes no difference
Who is right or wrong
I deserve much more than this
Cause there’s only one thing I want
If it’s NOT what you’re made of,
You’re not what I’m looking for
You were willing, but unable
to give me anymore
There’s no way you’re changing,
cause some things will just never be mine
You’re not in love this time
But it’s alright

Now I’m not a smoker…and I deliberately gave up smoking hookah on the 18th of December 2007 in pursuit of a healthier lifestyle. Regardless, I need some form of non-judgmental therapy and this pipe is a source of comfort and temporary redemption. I’m SAD…

You should have told me, told me from the start.
Thought that I was your only.
Until you put me on the shelf and found somebody else.
I never thought that you would ever do that,
everything we had is gone.
You said you loved me said you’d never leave me,
maybe I just heard you wrong.
‘Cause I’m damaged, I’m damaged, don’t know what to do.
I’m damaged so, So damaged because of you
(ok he never said he loved me…but you get the point).

I go to the kitchen to get some foil for the pipe and get side-tracked. The chicken looks too good to want to post-pone eating it. Grab a bite to eat on the way back to the lounge…Light the pipe.

What if I wanted to break.
Laugh it all off in your face.
What would you do?
What if I fell to the floor.
Couldn't take all this anymore.
What would you do, do, do?
Come break me down.
Bury me, bury me.
I am finished with you.

Smoke bellows from my mouth in little ringlets…the mint taste reaches my lungs…I briefly contemplate the situation…

My stock is down, I use to be worth my weight in gold.
That was before the great depression kicked in and rocked us.
And that was before the hurricane came in and stopped us…
… I know sorry just wouldn’t do it,
(My) heart is obliterated I’m trying to get through,
Gotta move this mountain, It’s like moving mountains.
But I keep climbing and hoping things will change.
Then the sky turns grey, And the water from the rain washes progress away,
It’s like moving mountains…

The pipe sizzles…

And if you could see inside my heart,
You would see loneliness,
and if I could show you my mind,
you would be depressed.
So I sit away lonely,
and I get away only in my mind

Now I feel the ship sinking…reach for the Aero…

Words have left us all alone.
And something’s come between us to turn the fire cold.
Thoughts that chase you in the night,
silently restore, the life from in your eyes.
And I remain alone no matter who may try and take your place …
And I’ll remember you,
the dreams we could’ve dreamed,
the tears I should have seen.
We use to say forever.
But I’ll remember you….
…And here I stand, alone with every promise melting through my hands…I’ll remember you…

I want to cry….I really do…but I’m defiant. Change the damn track…

At night I pray, that soon your face will fade away… [7]


I’m so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears,
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
‘Cause your presence still lingers here, and it won’t leave me alone…

Asr …find solace in Al-Quraan. Come back to the lounge feeling calmer and some-what numb. The pipe has gone out…put a DVD on but lose interest quickly….

With this tear, I thee want,
I have longed for you to talk to me like you did, that night in the restaurant.
Spoke of love, so openly, and again and again you promised me, that you’d never leave. But now you’re gone.
With this voice, I thee call.
Sometimes I catch myself calling your name when you’re not there at all.
Please tell me what I did wrong?
Why must I hear your voice inside my head, all day and all night long. Its not fair…

Nope…that just won’t do. I reach for some more chocolate, dark this time, 85% Lindt cocoa solids whilst listening to Sean Kingston make promises he can’t keep. He wants to “Take me there”. The bitter taste complements my current state of mind.

Don’t wanna think about it, don’t wanna talk about it. I’m just so sick about it.
Can't believe it's ending this way.
Just so confused about it. Feeling the blues about it. I just can't do without ya.
Tell me is this fair?
Is this the way it's really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around.
That you were gonna make me cry.
It's breaking my heart to watch you run around.
'Cause I know that you're living a lie.
That's okay baby 'cause in time you will find...
What goes around Comes all the way back around

A couple hours, 3 chocolates (including the stash) and a packet of biltong later…

Lie awake in bed at night.
And think about your life.
Do you want to be different?
Try to let go of the truth.
The battles of your youth.
'Cause this is just a game.
It's a beautiful lie.
It's the perfect denial.
Such a beautiful lie to believe in….
…Everyone's looking at me.
I'm running around in circles, baby.
A quiet desperation's building higher.
I've got to remember this is just a game…

Reason escapes my comprehension….

Baby sometimes I get so excited,
the night that we met I was bursting inside.
You know that it must have been fate that we found it too late.
The special relationship died and I Hate that night…
…And I’ll be with you, when we go our separate ways.

Maybe its just men in general…

…You lied straight to my face, looking in my eyes…
…and all you had to do was apologise.
But you didn’t say you’re sorry.
I don’t understand.
You don’t care that you hurt me.
And now I’m half the (wo)man that I use to be when it was you and me,
you didn’t love me enough.
My heart may never mend.
And you’ll never get to love me again.
Sadness has me at the end of the line.
Hopeless watched you break this heart, of mine.
And loneliness only wants you back here with me.
Common sense knows that you’re not good enough for me.

I eventually drift off into a deep sleep….

Sometimes I remember,
The darkness of my past,
Bringing back these memories,
I wish I didn’t have,
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back,
And never moving forward so, there’d never be a past.


  1. [1] What You're Made Of - Lucie Silvas
    [2] Damaged - Shane Ward
    [3] The Kill - 30 Seconds to Mars
    [4] Moving Mountains - Usher
    [5] Sit Away - Boyz to Men
    [6] I'll Remember You - Atlantic Star
    [7] Everytime - Britney Spears
    [8] My Immortal - Evanessence
    [9] With this tear - Celine Dion
    [10] What goes around - Justin Timberlake
    [11] Beautiful Lie - 30 Seconds to Mars
    [12] Seperate Ways - Jordan Knight
    [13] Never Again - Justin Timberlake
    [14] Easier to Run - Linkin Park

  2. honey, if a guy thinks ur too good for him and needs to find solace in a craving lesser mortal (until she knows better)... his probably right!


    dark chocolate rocks! indulge, then find a guy made of similar indulgence from start to finish ;)


  3. Shame Azra...you sound so sad :-(
    I'm sorry an evil male has made you feel this way...glad you are finding solace in the best cure---CHOCOLATE!
    Take it easy and remember; 'this too shall pass'...

  4. advice from an evil male?
    if he did not see that you were worth it, he never would have.

    What you are grieving for is not what was but for what might have been. That is the realm of perfect partnerships, fauns and fairydust.
    In the really real world, things did not work out. That may hurt, but living a lie would have hurt more.

    Now, about your shite music collection, it's just making things worse.

    Let's shuffle things about a bit, shall we?
    Prodigy, smack my bitch up.
    Roni Size, Brown paper bag
    Chemical Brothers, it doesn't matter
    Cypress Hill, Lick a shot
    Uk Apache and Shy FX, Original Nuttah

  5. Shaf - True true...Time will tell :)

    TCQ - Its not that bad...Thankfully, the worst is over...

    P - His an ass...that much I know, and I wouldn't have wanted to be with an ass anyway.
    & There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with my shite music LOL...the lyrics resonated at the time.
    I like Smack My Bitch Up...but it doesnt speak to me in this situation.