Tuesday, 28 October 2008

Two Weddings and A Funeral

I nearly fainted in Pick ‘n Pay today. True story…something about low blood-sugar levels and too much stress. I vaguely remember everything becoming muffled and the noises around me fading into the background. I started panicking and praying, breathing deeply and thinking to myself… “Please don’t pass out here, what if someone steals your purse and then you have to replace your drivers license and you know what a pain that is… and what about your medical aid card too and the Discovery credit card and all the Voyager Miles that you just registered…and they’re going to have to phone Mother, and she’s terribly far away so they will phone Daddy instead and he’ll panic and come shout you again for not eating properly and fainting in Pick ‘n Pay…”
All these thoughts in a few seconds…I really hate that KFC ad, those girls are morons and drama-queens…but the whole episode was just like that.

The reason for my ill-health is too much stress. Never mind not eating and still gyming everyday…I blame it on the stress. October/November has to be the worst time of the year for me. It’s like every single thing that could ever come and bite me in the ass, will come in November. I have exams, conferences, endless meetings, weddings and like the cherry on the cake of my misery, I was appointed the wonderful task of organizing the year-end Christmas function.

Now organizing the year-end function is kinda like planning a wedding. Actually, it’s exactly like planning a wedding but without the bride and groom. If I had it my way, I’d just make a fire in the parking lot, go and buy a whole lot of meat from United butchers and announce a braai to anyone interested in attending. But No, instead I’ve had to consult with coordinators, planners, caterers, florists…you name it…just to please the masses. Unfortunately for me, someone else (another moron) already booked a venue by the river…which is sub-standard compared to the other venue by the river that I wanted to book initially. But hey, watch me make lemonade.

Overall, I hate planning anything that's unnecessary. This event is a pain in my ass. Similarly, I hate weddings too. Don’t get me wrong, I can appreciate the aesthetics of it all…the d├ęcor, the matching candles, and napkins and plates and flowers and all the crap that goes into it. It’s always pleasing to the eye. But the actual ritual of the wedding? I hate it. I hate how long and drawn out everything is. I hate how everyone has to wait for what seems to be an eternity for the bride or groom to show up. What I particularly despise about weddings is the fact that most people will spend a fortune in the pursuit of matrimonial “perfection”…even though the whole ceremony lasts no longer than a few hours.

I’ve never been to a wedding where everyone didn’t want to kill each other. The worst family fights occur around a wedding…this aunty said that and that other aunty wants to do her own thing. The mother of the bride thinks that her daughter should wear her hair up; the bride insists its going to be left down etc. etc. All the pressure is building up and one of the volcanoes have to erupt.

If it’s your typical wedding, the bride and groom won’t even know two-thirds of the people that have been invited. I have also never been to a wedding where I walked away feeling good about it…where people didn’t have something bad to say about the bride or the wedding party. The food is ALWAYS too spicy or not spicy enough…burnt or under-cooked. The same people who complain about the food are usually the vraate (greedy pigs) that will take most of it home with them stuffed in old 5lt ice-cream containers…just like TCQ explained in one of her earlier blogs. The bride always looks stunning but not stunning enough, there are always comments about how she could have looked better…maybe different shoes, accessories or hair style. And how the venue would have been nicer if they had done this or that…

There are the freeloaders. You know the table where 6 plates, 6 cups, 6 saucers, 6 glasses etc. etc. and the bouquet mysteriously disappears. You know someone went home with a whole new set of crockery and cutlery that night, a small wedding “present” from the bride and groom.

Then there are those weddings where people will go ON and ON and ON about what a nice couple they make…
The Boy is soooo good, a very nice boy who works very hard!! (Never mind he was shagging the neighbour and bridesmaid two weeks earlier, almost got caught with a stash in his car, got thrown out of Manhattans for assaulting that guy over that other girl he was trying to pick up and was secretly seeing that other married chick)…he’s an angel sent from heaven…
And the girl? The Girl is a good homely girl…very pretty with her fair skin and all that. (Doesn’t matter that she looks like a rat, wears an illegal amount of makeup, spent all her time sneaking out of the house to meet other guys or that she was involved with this other Hindu guy because he had loads of money...and money talks in her books).
People always have this tendency to idolise and venerate people when everyone knows it’s not true. I do NOT believe in speaking ill of people…but I don’t glorify them either…If there’s nothing good to say, instead of lying or making up stories, shut up.

So in essence, the entire wedding is a fight-fest at the bride and grooms expense and they usually end up paying people to come and criticise and bankrupt them. Is that really how people want to start their lives together? I know weddings are all about the celebration and people’s duas (prayers)…but people should ask themselves, how much dua is there in comparison to the gossip. And don’t get me started on the people who don’t get invited…they sit at home gossiping and cursing the family that never invited them.

Now I’m not just a cold cynic…I do like the idea of the wedding etc. I just don’t see the point of spending R900 000 (true story) on a bunch of ungrateful greedy strangers. Personally, I’d rather feed Somalia. I always joke that if I had to have a wedding, I’d invite everyone…it would be an open wedding, at R300-00 a head, tickets on sale at the door.

On the flip side, this bout of dizziness is like a fog clouding my brain. It has enhanced my paranoia and prompted already existing thoughts about my mortality. I think about death often…not for the morbid reasons that people may think…but I believe it keeps things in perspective. Weddings, for example, seem very trivial and inconsequential when one contemplates impending doom. During those few minutes in Pick ‘n Pay, I kept on wondering that if I had to die, how would it affect the world? Of course, I believe it won’t affect the world very much. I’m just a miniscule part of the Universe, a mere spec of dust in the wind…life always goes on.

But I thought to myself, if I knew I was going to die soon, what would I do? How would I feel? I would obviously pray…and eat all the Lindt Mint Intense and Woolworths Chocolate Mousse I can find. But would I be sad? Yeah I’d be sad that I never got to get married and have kiddies and be happy…I guess we all want to be part of the dream…no matter how insignificant and moronic we deem it to be.


  1. im having one of those brutal mortal days. but i am also addicted to your blog. your writings. etc. so will return to peddle some better prose in response to your awesome post. yea, feeding somalia does sound like a plan! happy event planning 4 now though :P

  2. what a coincidence my dream wedding is a braai :)
    hmmm u should go for blood tests tho

  3. fainting is nor good, you should get yourself checked ...

  4. "Matrimonial perfection"? Does it exist?

    A question for the girls.... I know girls associate being married with being happy but why is that?

  5. Thanks for posting this...at least I'm not the only person who has these sentiments about weddings!

    I know exactly how you feel about planning the end-of-year fuction for work---I have been 'blessed' with that task for the past 4 years already! If you need any help, advice, etc, please do not hesitate to contact me.
    Mmmmm...this is strange, I manage to plan the work functions perfectly, but can't plan my OWN wedding properly...

    When I was younger, I said I wanted to be different...have my Nikkah after Fajr salaah and have breakfast for my reception.
    My other bright idea was a large AK (from Akhalwayas) on each table for saturday supper or like Nooj, a braai...

    The low blood sugar thing...at least you know what the cause of it is, so please take care of yourself. I always keep a cereal bar in my bag as I too have that problem...especially during the warmer months. I once almost passed out at the Rand Show...that would have been quite entertaining!

  6. lol @ yusuf. i think it's more the being in love with someone u respect thing that would make u happy. the whole marriage thing is overrated. loads of compromise and doing things u don't really want to. that's why it has to be done with some superhero person who usually only exists in our minds

    cullinary queen- i like the brakfast idea. but immediately after the bride and groom must buzz off and have fun and leave the family to deal with each other :P

  7. Whats with girls and not eating?

    Are you one of those people who cant say No? And are thrust with responsibilities you dont want?

    I dont like weddings, I say they're funerals with better food. My ideal wedding setting ... hmmm ... something small and intimate, maybe like a dinner, maybe an italian restaurant, book it for the evening.

  8. Azra, once again you write about stuff that I've experienced :) do you perhaps have inside info to my thoughts?

    The bride always looks stunning but not stunning enough, there are always comments about how she could have looked better - my mum in law told me that I could have worn something better / smarter as I looked very plain.......this was said to me a few days after I was married :(

    Sometimes I felt we should have just had a Nika'ah...but 'Indian' people always put down other people and feel they can do things better, inconsiderate bunhc of people....

    Nooj's idea of a dream wedding - a braai sounds fab!

  9. "what if someone steals your purse and then you have to replace your drivers license and you know what a pain that is" LOL, Spoken like a true South african. On the weddings note:I like weddings- mayb cos I've only attended abt 8 in my whole life, mostly when I was younger. The last wedding I attended (abt 2 years ago) was very small (abt 30 ppl) and held in restaurant. I was forced to talk to some horrible ppl who dont appreciate my degree bt other than that it was great. :D

  10. lolol I'm loving this ! our people are such a bunch of fakers!

  11. Awesome post:-)
    Surprisingly enough its not always the bride that wants the glam affair, most times its the family. Sadly enough is that more often than not so much effort goes into preparing for one day and nothing into preparing for the life that lies ahead.

  12. lol@Nooj

    Bet your superero image has a whck name... come on share

  13. Shafs - I hope you're doing great today :)

    Nooj - I think the simpler, the better...your wedding is suppose to be fun, thats what a celebration is all about...not a stressed out situation where everyone needs therapy after the big day. Braai sounds uber cool...but make sure theres marshmellows :)

    Tazeen - I'm ok today :)

    Yusuf - We were lied to by the fairytales...because the Snow White, Cinderlla etc. etc. were only very happy when prince charming came to rescue them. Some of us have a "Daddy abandoning us" complex.
    I think bottom line, its society. I know I'm fine with being single until some geriatric in my family has to question my status, thereby implying that there is something "wrong" with me because I'm not married yet. Never mind all the stupid guys out there who never bothered to ask.
    But we all want some form of companionship at the end of the day.

    TCQ - I've been harbouring secret fantasies about a breakfast wedding where the menu consists of Kellogs Corn Flakes, Kellogs All Bran Flakes, Pronutro, Toast and tea :)

    Waseem - My middle name is No. But the lady responsible for the event left and everyone else is too chicken shit, besides my boss doesnt trust anyone but me :P
    And FYI
    So I bought this Mochachos Chicken Burger today, it came with the chips and Sprite Zero. After I cut it in half and ate the first half with 4 chips, I was full. So I told myself "Self, I'll make you a deal, eat the rest because Mochachoes is not lekker when its cold, and then you wont have to eat anything until tomorrow" ...So Self said "Ok, but this is the last time, next time dont be such a vraat and order from the kiddies menu". So going by the way I feel now, I will only eat again tomorrow...I'm getting old, can't eat the way I use to...

    Princess - In life, people will try to hurt you, just because they can. As long as you are happy with who you are and what you do, screw the rest of them :)

    Awa - I've only ever been to about 10 weddings in my life...all of them horrible.

    DD - Always...lol

    Sameerah - People always want to impose their ideas etc. when it comes to weddings. I made it VERY clear to Mother that there'll be no shit like that with me coz I'll elope...I will.

    Edge - My superhero has to be Michael Scofield :)

  14. Wow! I absolutely love your pictures.

    I was wondering if someone knew a good place to get bridal lingerie. I found a place called www.DreamDollLingerie.com and I'm about to order something because they had kinds of lingerie.

    However, I wanted to check and see if someone has purchased something from them or knows of another place. I know I'm being picky but like all women we want our wedding to be perfect.