Wednesday, 12 November 2008

That Special Kind of Asshole PART 2


There is an amazing clarity that comes with psychotic jealousy...I’ve experienced an episode or two in my lifetime and while retrospection does nothing for my ego and self-esteem, we live and learn.

So I was stuck in a boring Executive meeting for a large part of the day…and in between listening to the projected maintenance costs for Plant E in 2009, sitting on MXit & checking my email, discussing the corporation’s current and potential obstacles in a global economical slump and daydreaming about chicken wings for lunch, I had an epiphany of sorts. I was running through the list of assholes that have been fortunate enough to feature in a paragraph or two of my life and then it hit me. I’m always attracted to the same kind of asshole. He’s always nice and friendly, intelligent and witty, humorous and quirky…but also as feisty as hell. I like feisty…correction…I LOVE feisty…I don’t know why. I think it appeals to the inner kid in me as I tend to be very playful most of the time. I’m not attracted to guys that are too nice…or guys who try too hard to impress me. Or guys that are egotistical, supercilious or asinine. I always like the guy who engages with me…but I mean like he really talks to ME and is candid, frank, honest, sincere and genuine…he indulges my whims…but he knows who he is and he isn’t trying to be someone else. I love a guy who is confident but not arrogant. I like subtle…cool. I like the excitement too…

I like romance…some candles and a homemade sandwich under the stars. I like shared dreams and pointless conversations. I like Cheshire smiles and butterflies. I like stupid little surprises, like coffee, a teeny weenie wildflower growing on the curb…or heart shaped stones…or the downright quirky and WHACKED…like a tube of toothpaste, a dual can-opener/iPod/Pencil-Sharpener thingy, some PVC…I’m really not hard to please…he just has to bring his true self and his mind and be open to possibilities. No Liars, Cheaters, Spongers/Leeches, Sons and whatnot :D

Which brings me to the sequel of yesterday’s “Asshole” tirade. Now before I continue, I would just like to state that firstly, I’m quite dynamic in nature. Remarkably I am a pessimist at the best of times, an optimist when it suits me and a realist/pragmatist when dealing with other people’s issues. In the Liqui Fruit range, I’d be the Breakfast Punch…an amalgamation of characters. Similarly, whilst some men can be labeled, ridiculed and boxed, there are the exceptions…the “others” that are less simply defined because they too have various degrees of assholiness to their repertoires. Hence you will get those men that encapsulate various characteristics to various extents…for example, he could have 30% of Cheater’s characteristics, 45% of Commitment-Phobe’s characteristics and 25% of the Indecisive-Contradictor’s characteristics etc. etc…you get the point.

So with further reflection, the following are additions to the list:

The Jekyll and Hyde
These men have two distinctive faces. One for the world and one within the confines of their homes. To the world they are either charmers, distinguished gentlemen, suave cultivated guys that ooze sophistication and wit or they are one of those “nice” guys…the guy who is everything that every girl thinks she wants and is what every guy aspires to be. But behind closed doors, in the safety of their homes, surrounded by their families, they are different men. They are either abusers i.e. mental, physical, emotional abusers etc. or they are cognitively absent, checked out from their families ie. They don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves. They are the Freddy Kruger’s of society, every family’s personal nightmare. They parade the “perfection” they call their lives for all and sundry to see, but as soon as they step off that stage, they are monsters. They lack any compassion and desperately need the worlds’ approval and attention to feel worthy and secure. They are cowards in every sense of the word, secretly know that they are worth squat and have to bully everyone around them to feel better about themselves and to prove that they are still “Men”.
Real-life Scenario: Uncle Zubair is one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. Or so it seems. He is very popular and has many friends. His colleagues call him the “Don”, because he is always on top of his game and has a special way with women. He’s always telling the funniest jokes and is always dressed to the nines. Every guy around him will agree that he’s got to be the coolest middle-aged guy around. If they only knew. Once Uncle Zubair gets home, everything changes like a caterpillar breaking out of its cocoon, but instead of becoming a butterfly, it’s a big fugly-ass dragon-fly. His wife and kids are terrified of him. Last night when he came home he reeked of cheap perfume and when his wife asked him about the lipstick on his collar, she got two slaps, one for asking and one for good measure. Little does he know or realise the damage and havoc he wreaks upon his children…the emotional issues and scars that will stay with them for the rest of their lives. But the poor wife is not an the whole community will find out 5 years down the line when she shoots him in the head and makes it look like an accident.

The Best Friend
Some men are just more in touch with their feminine side than others. Now these men are NOT gay, not in the slightest. They just have more female friends than most guys and engage in metro-sexual forms of entertainment. They are true liberals and enjoy every bit of the contemporary world that allows a man to express his feelings and indulge in feminine activities like shopping and buying L’Oreal moisturizing lotion for “Men”. They are quite popular amongst the female population because there are no barriers to break down and they are physically and emotionally available. They are cool and can dispense their diplomatic opinions about everything from cars to bras.
Real-life Scenario: Danyaal’s favourite toy when he was a little boy was the vacuum cleaner. He loved that thing. He would play with it for hours, once even trying to vacuum his pipi to see if it would come off. As he grew, Danyaal found that he had more girl friends than guy friends. He just attracted them naturally; they didn’t judge him and were generally more fun to be with. He secretly liked his best friend, Rahima, but didn’t want to scare her away, so didn’t pursue the object of his affection. He was always the only guy invited to attend “all girl” parties and everyone, including all the parents in the neighbourhood thought that he was secretly gay and harmless. But what they didn’t know about Danyaal is that he is an avid subscriber to Playboy magazine since the age of 14, his stash conveniently located in a box titled “video games” under the stairwell with his mother’s subscription of “Living and Loving”. His emergency stash (the latest issue) is neatly tucked away under his mattress. He loves how the girls hang all over him, and he usually cops a feel without them even noticing. He also loves how they subliminally flirt with him, thinking that they are “safe” with him and from the prying eyes of other pervs.

The Crustacean
These men hide behind a solid exterior that cannot be penetrated, not without their permission. But they are usually all mush on the inside, incredibly sensitive creatures and they will never let you see it, they would rather die. They come across hard, cold, indifferent, detached…jaded by life’s experiences and somewhat disillusioned with some aspects of society. They may even come across self-assured and confident, but it’s all a front. They are slightly scared, wary (from life’s experiences) and indecisive but manage to hide it perfectly. They don’t dare express their feelings about anything and prefer to remain emotionally distant. If something tugs at the heart strings, they retreat to a corner to have a private moment, and will re-emerge some time later, composed and stoic, like nothing happened.
Real-life Scenario: Fareed saw the most beautiful girl last week. After arguing with himself for an hour, and then rehearsing what he would say for another half hour, he finally got the courage to approach her. Fatima smiled as he greeted her and they chatted for a while. But then he felt it, that familiar wall he puts up whenever he feels someone getting too close for comfort. He’s been careful since Zaynub broke his heart three years ago. He tells himself that he can’t go through that again…he won’t let another woman do that to him…not again. Fatima could tell that he was uneasy and seemed distracted and slightly withdrawn. She felt a little insecure and hoped she didn’t say anything to offend him because she liked him too. If he could only let her in…she wished…but only time will tell.

The Asshole
Everyone knows one of these. The “I’m-too-good-for-your-sorry-ass-and-the-world-owes-me-because-I’m-the-best-thing-since-sliced-bread” kinda guy. These guys are worse than “The Know-It-All”, because they have nothing to excuse, they are just assholes. They usually think they are better than the rest of society because their shit is not just Italian, it’s imported especially from the northern parts of Florence. They are usually rich, because they are thieves and criminals. Almost every asshole is involved in some or other kind of illegal activity, because that’s who they are. And I’m not talking “Mafia” style here…the mafia exudes a form of discipline, a respect that is unbeknownst to these morons. The mafia deals in cross-continental organized crime, these idiots only know how to bribe cops, smuggle drugs or diamonds that don’t even belong to them, or hijack Cigarette trucks to be sold on the black market...and most of the time they get caught. They are really juvenile and amatuers in comparison...they are wannabee’s of the most grandest kind. They usually start street fights with other groups of assholes (or sometimes just poor innocent victims) because they want the world to see that they have clout. Ironically, the asshole can’t really hold his own in a fight. His fight begins when he punches those digits into the keyboard of his cell phone, calling all the other assholes to back him up…because they can’t do shit on their own, all talk and no game.
Real-life Scenario: Riaz was a bully at school. He always thought that he was the shit, and would treat everyone else like crap, calling people derogatory names just to get attention and feel superior. As an adult, nothing has changed. He drives a brand new BMW, although he sells Tupperware and Crockery in a tiny shop on the corner of one of the quietest streets in town. He is notorious for starting fights, especially when he goes on holiday to Durban or Cape Town, because he can and its fun. He’ll show those MOFO’s a thing or two about JHB guys. He also has a habit of sleeping with all the married women in his community, because they are bored lonely housewives and he’s got nothing better to do. He carries his fathers gun and secretly wishes that he can use it one day, to scare someone, so that everyone can see that he is such “kwaai ou” (cool guy)…He is “the hond” (the Dawg). What he doesn’t realise is that he will eventually meet another “kwaai ou” that will probably put an end to his “kwaai-ness” before his time…its either that or he will become “The Commitment-Phobe”.

The Gossip Monger
You can find these guys outside any mosque after Magrieb…they are the ones chatting away about the latest stories in town…they offer personalised news bulletins. BBC could hire them, they would know more about the world then any of their current journalists. They are such fantastic investigative reporters that there is rarely a piece of information that goes unnoticed. They know more about the goings on in society and the world than any of the women engaging in idle gossip could ever know. They usually find their information from unsuspecting victims, by engaging in small talk in the name of kinship. They have an amazing ability to drag any story out of their prey…without the victim even suspecting that security has been breached. They could work as interrogators if they ever got tired of their shops, because no one else is better equipped at getting the story without lifting a single finger.
Real-life Scenario: Ismail knows everything about everyone…I mean EVERYTHING. You ever want to know any news or the latest marriage, divorce or death announcements, the latest economic indicators, who’s sleeping with who, what happened in Church Street last Saturday…just ask him. And if he doesn’t know, his best friend Yunus will know or he will find out tomorrow night after Magrieb, outside the mosque.

Again, these are just my stereotypes…if anyone else has something to add, just let me know.


  1. Lol you were right, you and I do have a lot in common :)

  2. You know I've never heard someone sum it up so well.I'm still waiting for someone to label me, well to my face anyway coz I'm sure they have privately and I probably deserved it but as you say we live and learn.

  3. Wow...All of a sudden I feel guilty for being a male...

  4. Azra, you do great justice in summing it all up lol :)

    I read this three times over...

  5. WIP - :D Told ya :D

    EOW - Yeah we all learn, every day...and it makes us better people (well some of us anyway) LOL.

    Stunna - No reason to feel guilty...just eb true to yourself and others.

    Princess - I had to edit this post at least three to four times...when I'm typing up a storn I dont worry about spelling or grammar etc. SO I've had to change a few things..spelling and minor things like re-arranging words etc. So feel free to read the final version when you are bored :D

  6. LOL Killa - I would say more "Crustacean"...maybe 2%'re too chicken to be more than that :D LMAO

  7. this is great book material
    I love the name Danyaal, but yeah the metro awesome friend guise just became so much clearer..
    At the same time. Just coz u know a guy's modus operandi and every strategy he uses, doesn't mean ur immune to loving him despite of it. I've known girl and guy duos, partners in the same game, helping each other out, to fall in love, have in laws squabbles and have kids together. Makes the game seem so senseless...

  8. Bravo Azra! Once again...brilliantly summed up :-)

    You forgot the guy who pretends to be all 'Islamic' and 'righteous' and wants to preach to others, but does all the wrong things himself.

    Also, what about 'The Stalker'...the one that just won't quit and take no for an answer. And, the 'overprotective' know, they NEED to KNOW the exact moment you even go to the loo...

  9. Nooj - Love was created so that we could all look beyond the stereotypes and just get on with it :D

    TCQ - I'm not done yet...I have a third installment coming up :)

  10. TCQ - so true...

    Az - I think you can do the same for women too. That will be funny.

    I would like to have one of those that are hard on the outside but mush on the inside.

  11. Culinaryqueen - Yeah - I agree - you need to incorporate the self righteous ass-holes as well.

    keep writing like this and I just might have a widget to present to you ms Ra :)

  12. this is soooooo worth publication!!! send it to Cosmo for now.. but i smeLL a bOok in the pipelines!

  13. Uncle Zubair's wife was one smart cookie, although she should not have waited for 5 years but i guess it takes this long to plan the perfect murder :)

    Me love feisty as well, but then, point me a girl who is not in love with feisty? Who wants a wimp?

  14. brilliant writing:) i love your blog and enjoy reading it

  15. Excellent! Can't wait to read the next engaging part :-)

  16. Part III - can't wait to read it :)

  17. ooh man, I sat reading your entire front page and didn't get bored like I usually do when I read off the screen. brilliant blog, brilliant posts!
    i know some 'types of a-holes' although not sure if my experiences are just odd/rare - i had this unstable friend who was incredibly moody - would stop talking to me for months, then make a reappearance and was back to being my fantastic friend, he was also like Eeyore - mopey and depressed saying things like 'life sucks', and then telling me he never wants to speak to me again. lol. luckily, he wasn't that close to me.

    There was also the delusional stalker guy who became obsessed with any pretty girl and wouldn't leave her alone. He said things like 'my dear', revealed facts about himself in the 3rd person (usually sad movie-material stuff) and asked questions that showed his sensitive yearning-for-romance side. ugh.

    There's also that friend who hides that he 'likes' you, because he knows you dont feel the same, so he tells all his friends instead to purge himself of emotions & starts behaving strangely- suddenly surprises you with something sweet and the next, he's arrogantly telling you you're *something negative* (because he's mad at himself for showing you he cares and is now afraid of your rejection). Eventually, he gets pissed off at you because you 'sort of know' from his friends and goes out of his way to show you he never cared in the first place. Saving face, sore loser :o
    men! =p

    cant wait for the next one.

  18. Trinity - I'd love to do a female version...but I wonder if I could be unbiased.

    MJ - Looking forward to your "widget" lol

    Shafs - Me and a book? With my 2 brain cells? lol...we'll see

    Tazeen - So one wants a Pansy...he must hold his own.

    Haseena - Thanks...

    TCQ & Princess - Part 3 is posted :)

    Black Olives - Firstly Thanx :)
    I would classify your moody friend as one of the Spineless guys in Part three...maybe with a mixture of something else...

    The stalker also sounds pretty similar to the stalker in Part 3 lol

    Like I said, there are so many I can identify...and eventually some of them overlap with each other...

    But I'm glad you're enjoying it :)