WARNING: THE CONTENT OF THIS BLOG IS OF A DEROGATORY AND FACETIOUS NATURE. THE AUTHOR RESERVES THE RIGHT TO PATRONISE, GENERALISE & STEREOTYPE WHOMEVER SHE WANTS AS THIS IS HER BLOG.
Ah Men…can’t live with them, can’t kill them :D
Life without men would be so boring…so as much as they annoy the crap out of us, there is a reason they are still around. Here are more additions to my take on "men"...be warned, its a lengthy piece...
These so-called “men” are the weakest bunch on the planet. They have absolutely no control over any aspect of their lives because they’ve relinquished all their authority (and their balls) to some woman who makes the decisions. They are pathetic, seriously whipped and are the inspiration behind the term “chicken shit”. They tend to be indecisive, because they go through life having all their choices made for them…so when faced with questions, they automatically look for someone to give them answers. In essence, they are lazy mofo’s who can’t be bothered, because they never had to before, so why start now. They can’t stand up for themselves and often hide behind a skirt.
Real-life Scenario: Buzz is getting married in January. Now he’s my cousin and I love him but he’s a jackass. He works in a bank (and that’s ok) but he earns a salary that is just above average. His fiancé however, thinks he’s the MD. Her list of demands is endless. She wants a R80 000 diamond and platinum wedding ring and a dowry fit for a Queen amongst some other very expensive things. Now what the hell is she going to do with a R80 000 ring? That’s like a whole car on her finger. And this is South Africa, she couldn’t wear it anywhere without getting her hand hacked off. The only way he could ever afford all her wants and desires is if he actually robbed the bank…but of course, he makes excuses and obliges...he also makes all these false promises that he can’t keep. He can’t stand up to her, or to any member of the family for that matter and the pressure is getting to him. He means well but it’s just a matter of time before disappointment sets in and she realises that he’s a broke liar and that she’ll just have to make do.
(Note to my future hubby where ever he may be: I’d be more than happy with one of those R300 silver / cubic rings that you can get from Forchini. It looks as good as the real thing…just make sure it sparkles…and if you want to spend R80k, then take me around the world. Thanx).
The Fox aka The Snake
Some men are sly, conniving, manipulative, cunning, two-faced bastards. They will parade around like they're the nicest guys in the world, regular charmers they are, but they ALWAYS have an agenda. For them, life is about compromise, a give and take…as long as you do all the giving and they do all the taking. They approach situations in a cool and calm manner, often plotting every step of the way. At the end of the day, it’s all about what THEY can get out of the deal. They will stab anyone in the back to get ahead in the game.
Real-life Scenario: Zakariya has always been mediocre throughout his life because he has no ambition and he’s another professional liar. He has a subtle arrogance about him and is as sincere as a light pole. He is a charmer and a socialite of sorts, he roams around in various social circles…he’s like Paris Hilton with a little more imagination. People either like him because he hasn’t tried to screw them over yet or they hate him, because they see him for who he really is. He forms elaborate plans to get what he wants…and disguises his true motives with that broad fake smile of his. He was seeing both Aadila and Shanaaz on a serious note, in the sly…trying to weigh the “pros and cons” between both women before deciding who was the “winner”. He played the game so well that neither suspected a thing. His shady dealings extended into the business sector when he undermined one of his superiors and used some damaging information that was revealed to him in confidence to “get ahead”. Unfortunately for him, Karma is a bitch and these things always have a way of coming back to kick you in the nuts…it’s just a matter of time.
The Whore /Player
These guys have only one thing on their minds, two points for guessing what that is. They will hump or shag anything that wears a skirt…correction, anything that walks…well, really anything that moves. These guys are different from "The Commitment-Phobe" in that they view women as mere objects and take promiscuity to the next level. They don’t ever think about anything, because their brains are located in their genitalia. They see life in pictures, pornographic pictures. Relationships still exist in the world of "The Commitment-Phobe" (albeit they may only last for a short period of time) whereas the concept of a solid relationship eludes "The Whore / Player". It’s their life’s work to be promiscuous and they enjoy the thrill of chasing after women…and having women chase after them too. The novelty wears off quickly though, their issues catch up with them and they are soon left feeling hollow and empty, the void only temporarily filled. They are like drug addicts, always in need of a fix. And their “fix” is never too far away, often just around the corner wearing a pink mini-skirt with patent leather heels and fishnet stockings.
Real-life Scenario: Riaz, “the Asshole” with the new BMW always manages to get every vulnerable females number (the one’s with no self-esteem) when they stop by the shop to get some Crockery or Tupperware. Since the shop doesn’t have that many male customers, he scores big time. He prefers married women, no commitment issues…no strings attached. He figures that they are bored and lonely, their husbands don’t pay enough attention to them, so he’s doing them a favour by spicing things up a bit. In between his shenanigans with the Mrs., he actively seeks out younger, more attractive girls using his weapon of mass destruction; the BMW. Women are suckers for nice cars and they all want a ride. He draws them in like a sadist alluring a kid with some candy laced with cocaine. Once they’re in his candy shop he hypnotises them with grand tales of his fights with the Durban guys. He always lies so that he can come out looking like the hero and after he gets what he wants, he moves on to his next victim. Pity he doesn’t know what AIDS is yet or how prevalent and fatal it is…stats show 3 out of 4 people are infected in Sub-Saharan Africa alone.
The Possessive aka The Stalker
These guys usually evolve over time. They start out obsessed with some poor unsuspecting female and usually end up stalking her. He’ll follow her around town, take note of who her friends are, what she likes/prefers, ask everyone he knows about her, dig in her garbage to see what she ate last night, that kind of thing. He’ll become persistent especially after he decides to take the plunge and ask her out and is met with an emphatic “NO”. His persistence is driven by an indignant rebellion, he’s warped perception and refusal to believe that anyone could ever repudiate his advances. If he does succeed (because he’s studied all her habits and can tell her exactly what she wants to hear) he evolves into the jealous/possessive partner who is so insecure about who he is that he projects those insecurities onto his significant other. These men either have abandonment issues with a parent or they secretly believe that they are not “good enough” for their partners. They feed their delusions and eventually believe that their partners think so too. This pity party becomes a full scale war when they start becoming defensive and aggressive, mechanisms used as part of their war tactics. The only way they feel like they have any control in their lives, is by controlling others. They have a need to own or possess their partners, like objects because it gives them that sense of stability and authority that they so desperately need and it empowers their fragile egos.
Real-life Scenario: When Nazeer saw Khadija for the first time, he was smitten. He knew that she was “The One”. He called his cousin and asked him to find out about her. He got her number and found out where she lived. He would actively seek her out, taking note of what she drank, ate, wore etc. Then one night he went to talk to her and they became friends. She liked that he seemed to understand her...they had so much in common, he also liked the KFC Zinger Meal and they both loved Sprite and caramel pudding. He even told her that she looked her best in pink, her favourite colour. They were seeing each other for 18 months before they got married. Within the first three months of getting to know each other, Nazeer would subtly influence any decision she made by making suggestions and enforcing his opinion. It was a warning signal but Khadija refused to see it. She loved the attention, thought that it was endearing that someone cared so much about her and was just too happy to let him take control of every mundane detail in her life. Soon Nazeer was telling her what she could do and where she could go, he would spy on her… follow her to make sure that he was aware of her every move. He would go through all the calls she made on her cell phone and look for signs to make sure she wasn’t cheating on him. On her birthday he aggressively informed her family that they only had 2 hours to spend with her because he had made “plans”…they weren’t even married yet. After they got hitched, the situation deteriorated even further and Khadija came to resent and despise the same traits that she once adored and admired in Nazeer. She felt smothered and was stuck with an obsessive/compulsive/possessive stalker that really did follow her to the bathroom like TCQ suggested. And what was even worse is that he didn’t even like the KFC Zinger Meal, he lied! Now she has to eat Chicken Licken Slyders for the rest of her life.
The Don Juan / Casanova
These guys differ from “The Whore/Player” because they are more emotionally or romantically inclined. They are in love with the concept of being in love. To them those physical symptoms of “Love” is a drug that they cannot get enough of. They enjoy those initial responses that people have at the beginning stages of relationships so much (…those glazed eyes, that giddy feeling, the encapsulating euphoria, that stupid smile permanently fixated to the face…) that as soon as the infatuation wears off, they’re on their way to search for it again.
Real-life Scenario: I’ve known “R” for at least 16 years…he was my first infatuation and we were good friends for a couple of years. I always denied that I liked him, afraid of being rejected, but everyone around us could tell that he liked me too. We would sit around and talk for hours, about everything and nothing really, and he always looked at me with a certain glint in his eyes. We eventually grew apart as we grew up and got reacquainted about 2 years ago, after what seemed to be decades. He hasn’t changed much except that he’s devastatingly handsome and every girl wants a piece of him. But I can see it in his eyes. He yearns for something…its like he’s lost but he has no reason to be. Every few months when he meets a new girl, I can automatically tell from the expression on his face. He has that same glint in his eyes and is unusually happy. But it only ever lasts for a few weeks and then he’s back to being somber and melancholic…well until he meets someone else again.
The Health Nut / Neat Freak
There are a few men out there who really treasure the skin they’re in. Their bodies are their temples and they live to deprive themselves of every food product that has “fat” as one of the main ingredients. Most health nuts are usually neat freaks as well. Their healthy and highly organised lifestyles conceal deeper rooted issues of control. They need to control every aspect of their lives, from what they eat to the linear symmetry of their rooms. These control issues usually stem from a childhood incident or event where they were left feeling vulnerable and helpless, hence their need to compensate for that time by ensuring that they never have to experience those wretched emotions again.
Real-life Scenario: When Faisal was a little boy, his Dad walked out after a huge row with his Mom. Faisal can recall the horror of that evening. He had never felt so lost, terrified and anxious and it was a lot for a boy of his age to process. Now as a grown man, Faisal feels established in his career and confident that he’s “made it” even though his colleagues tease him about being anally retentive and continually urge him to loosen up. Faisal tells himself that there’s nothing wrong with a little structure in his life and enjoys the way he has managed to organize every aspect down to the most minute detail. He has a daily routine that involves a 2 hour gyming session as well as preparing a tofu dish from a vegan recipe book. His entire wardrobe, from his shirts to his socks are colour coded and labeled…and updated every six weeks to incorporate any new items that he may have purchased or acquired from that boutique on 5th Avenue where all his clothes are tailor made to sculpt his beautifully defined physique. Maybe one day he will meet the one that will inspire him enough to let go of those reigns…
These guys have chips on their shoulders the size of Everest. They are very angry at the world and find fault with everything in it. They are harsh, brutal, brazen, straight forward, audacious and sometimes cruel and ruthless in their words, demeanor and their general approach to life. They are also somewhat bitter, cold and cynical but are different from the “Crustaceans” because their chilly disposition is a result of hurt, pain and anguish caused by circumstances in their lives that were completely beyond their control. They are also different from the “Crustaceans” in that they are deeply affected, intrinsically, to the core of their souls…so they are openly harsh, hard and cold…whereas the “Crustacean” will tend to hide their emotions. They choose to become infuriated because it empowers them whereas sorrow makes them feel weak and defeated. They have homicidal tendencies and can become murderers if they do not channel their anger and rage in a positive manner.
Real-life Scenario: Rocky’s father passed away on a Tuesday when he was in Std 5 (Grade 7) and he has never been the same since that fatal day. He felt like an outcast amongst his friends, especially since being part of the local soccer team meant that he had to endure seeing them on a regular basis with their Dad’s at soccer practice, meetings and tournaments. Being the only son, he felt responsible for his family, although he knew there wasn’t much he could do for them without leaving school. He began to resent his circumstances, and the world around him. It didn’t help that they were somewhat ostracized by the prejudicial society they lived in. But he thought “Fuck them all”…he was determined to succeed…and he did, although for him it was a hollow victory. He still missed his Dad tremendously.
These men are men of God. Or so they proclaim. They can give the most fiery sermons and bayaans you will ever hear. They are so passionate about their religious causes that they can make you cry like a friggin baby and you always leave their presence believing that you’re an eternal sinner with no hope of redemption, on a one-way road to Hell. But go to Gold Reef City Casino at 21:00pm on a Wednesday night and there, tucked away in the corner at one of the slot machines…guess who you’ll see. Of course, he’s not completely visible beneath the hood of his Drymac that’s zipped up to his lower lip and you’ll have to squint a little to identify him. They are the biggest hypocrites on earth. And what makes them hypocrites; apart from the fact that they don’t practice their religion in accordance to what they preach; is the fact that they will ridicule, insult and degrade all those who are not religiously perfect, while they are guilty of worse religious crimes and offenses. They walk around self-righteously with an air of prestige and they always think they know better than everyone else, they feel important and entitled because God “chose them” to fight His cause. If they only knew the voices they were hearing actually belonged to the Devil.
Real-life Scenario: As a young boy, Shuayb was brought up never to question Islam…especially since his father was a well known Moulana and he was provided with the best Islamic education they could afford. Shuayb always watched his father intently, and enjoyed the respect that his father commanded from the community. He noticed how his father was always nicer and more lenient to Uncle Solly…maybe it was because Uncle Solly donated R5000-00 to the charity fund that Shuayb’s father oversaw…and they always got a nice discount when they went to Uncle Solly’s shop to buy fish and chips, sometimes they didn’t even have to pay. And then there was Uncle Abu Baker…Shuayb’s father didn’t like him at all. He was a poor man and couldn’t donate much, so Shuayb’s father didn’t have much time for him.
As an adult Shuayb ensures that he practices his Islam. He is part of the Jamaat that gives Dawah to other communities and raises money for charity. He also makes his Salaah on time, Fasts regularly and has begun growing his beard. But Shuayb also likes Weed aka Cannabis aka Dagga...he says that its no different from smoking hooka. Shuayb also spends his Saturday nights partying up a storm at the Escort agency in that shady part of town. He loves women, and they love that he’s a regular and always pays up front. They also think that the beard is cute. Shuayb’s favourite one is Candy, a blonde 24 year old Med Student at Wits. She has to work to pay for her tuition…so he reckons he’s helping her get a decent education…that’s Shuayb reaction when justifying his actions. And he’ll emphatically tell you “SIES”…He’ll “NEVER drink or eat Pork” ...and it’s not like he’s gambling…not like his friend Sheikh Abdullah.
These guys are into brand names like its going out of fashion, literally. They will spend copious amounts of money for “names”. Its absurd…ludicrous really. They have to look their best, drive the best cars, live in the best houses etc.…because they have to prove to the world that they are not worthless. They are obsessed with status, because they lack it in spades and are desperate for attention and approval. They like wearing $700 Armani shirts imported from Milan because they think it automatically increases their face value. They are patronizing and condescending to those who cannot afford their aristocratic and bourgeois lifestyles. They often compete with other morons of their stature for points in a game that doesn’t exist. What they don’t realise is that no amount of money in the world can buy “Class”…you either have it or you don’t.
Real-life Scenario: Farhaad grew up in a home where image is everything. His father is rich, because he, like “Riaz The Asshole” is a thief and a criminal. They have a beautiful house which apparently cost R50 Million to build that is situated on a protruding hill, for the whole world to see. They also have numerous sports cars that they park in a massive Garage made with glass doors so that everyone can view their collection. They wear the latest trends in fashion and go shopping every week for new items. They have all the latest gadgets and technologies that they import directly from China. They are the envy of the entire community. Yet, Farhaad always feels like there’s something missing from his life, but his stunted brain won’t allow him to put his finger on exactly what that is. Being a criminal and thief will always come back to bite you in the ass, as Farhaad’s family eventually finds out when the Receiver of Revenue claims that they owe the South African Government R63 Million in outstanding taxes. And if that is not enough, torrential rains almost wiped the entire house off the map…so no amount of money in the world can guarantee your safety.
There are many more sterotypes I can think of...and as situations and personalities become more dynamic, some of the Characters will overlap and share traits or qualities with other Characters. But that concludes my list of “men” for now. Unfortunately, as women, we are genetically programmed to love them regardless of their imperfections, shortcomings and moronic idiosyncrasies...so Ladies, strap on your leather boots, go out there and find your Perfect asshole :D