Tuesday, 11 November 2008

That Special Kind of Asshole

Warning: The views expressed by this author are based on observations over a subscribed period of time and reflect the author’s opinion. Everyone else is entitled to their own opinions, even if their opinions are wrong :D

He once told me that I’ll never understand…maybe he’s right. Its easy to say that all men are dogs…rats…pigs…especially when we come across a special kind of asshole that confirms and verifies this kind of conjecture; which in turn perpetuates and encourages these patterns of thought. But I have yet to meet a man who can prove me wrong and to state my case, I’ve based my own opinions on my experiences and observations throughout the years. So I’m willing to go down for this one :D

This is definitely one of my favourite topics of conversation because it doesn’t matter which angle you approach it from, you just CANNOT find tangible, conclusive answers. Most men say that they’ll never understand women and most women will share the sentiment when it comes to men.

T, Birdy and I have spent hours analyzing and dissecting various cases…searching for plausible answers to the impossible question of “Man”. From what I’ve gathered over the years (and I have gathered a lot), these are my stereotypes and generalisations concerning men. Please note that these generalisations refer to roughly 99% of the male population. The other one percent are all either gay or overtly defy the norm.

The Liar
They Lie. Face it, most men are pathological liars, which basically means that they lie so much, they eventually can’t differentiate between the lie from the truth; hence they begin to believe their own lies. Now the degree to which they lie may differ…as so will the reasons behind those lies. Some of them lie because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. Other’s lie because it gets them out of trouble, and then there are those that lie because it becomes so ingrained in their DNA, that they don’t even know when they are doing it. I have yet to meet a man who can be honest, without being tortured by some or other kind of militant group and drugged with a dose of truth serum.
Real-life scenario: Junaid is a professional liar. He was caught lying several times by his fiancĂ© Farhana and yet he continues to lie to cover those lies he already told. He lies so much that Farhana can’t even trust that he tells the truth about the most mundane details of his life, like the colour of his shirt (yes he lied about that too)…it has reached a point where it comes so naturally to him, that she is sure he doesn’t even realise when he’s lying to her. But she stays because she’s an emotional moron bound to him by invisible heart strings.

The Shallow
Most men want an Aishwarya Rai that can cook, or for those not familiar with the Bollywood scene; a member of the Pussycat Dolls. Image is important to guys, especially in the beginning stages, no matter what kind of psychotic persona is attached to that image. It doesn’t matter that she only has one brain cell, has no morals or values and is as shallow as a makeshift pond… as long as she is “beautiful”. Now I do believe a certain degree of chemistry or attraction is necessary and should exist between two individuals, but I’m not talking mammoth “Miss Universe” proportions here. And what I find particularly amusing about this requirement is that most men do not look like Brad Pitt or Wentworth Miller or even Saif Ali Khan, yet they feel entitled to “own” someone beautiful, like a freaking trophy. So in essence you’ll get something that looks like Homer Simpson on steroids making demands on what he expects from his future wife…and the poor woman has to be “grateful” that he chose her, like a sheep at a carnival, by smiling insincerely, swallowing the bile rising in her throat and fighting the urge to vomit all over him. I’m sure this is the only time in her life she seriously contemplates a shot of Uncle Jack (Daniels).
Real-life Scenario: Zaid is almost 30 years old. He’s spent the last 10 years looking for Mrs. Perfect, but to no avail. They were either too ugly, too fastidious or too independent for his liking. Now Zaid is no Don Juan or Casanova. He’s more like a mixture of Tinky-Winky, the gay telly-tubby and Ernie from the George Lopez show, with the personality of a mountain goat. What’s worse is that he can’t even trade off his bank balance, because it belongs to his mother. But he maintains that he is entitled to a super-model wife and he will settle for nothing less.

The Cheater
Some men love to play games…this includes stringing numerous girls along for fun…because he obviously has issues with one of his parents, so he needs to compensate for it by surrounding himself with women to make him feel “worthy”…because indeed, he is a worthless piece of shit. So he’ll call, then he won’t call…and he feels like he can do whatever he wants to in the relationship because “he’s the man” and he thinks everyone wants a piece of him…then when one of his girlfriends confronts him about his two-timing business and his lack of commitment, he usually twists the story in pure misogynistic form and blames her for his cheating ass.
Real-life Scenario: Riyaad and Sarah have been in a serious relationship for the past three years. Every two to three months, Sarah accuses Riyaad of cheating on her with a different woman, which he does (by his own admission) but he always manages to magically twist the story to such an extent that he inadvertently places the blame squarely on her. It’s her fault that he was with Vanessa last week because she didn’t pay enough attention to him and wasn’t there at his beck and call. Her insecurities are responsible for her begging him to “take her back”…every time.

The Hero
There are those men who really watch too many Bollywood movies and truly believe that they, like Shah Rukh Khan, can “save” the damsel in distress by singing love songs and running through fields of barley and wild flowers. They just try too hard. They say everything they think a woman wants to hear. They have no personalities of their own because they are too busy trying to impress the girl by impersonating the fictitious person they THINK she wants to be with. Unfortunately, life is not a Bollywood movie. His attempts are often mistaken for predatory tactics; are rarely welcomed by the recipient and are almost always met with disdain and contempt. No self-respecting person wants to be pitied, or saved. It epitomizes a pathetic and weak character worthy of the Guillotine.
Real-Life Scenario: When Ridwaan and Sameera met, they had both just gotten out of other serious relationships and were on the rebound. Sameera was depressed because her engagement with Shahid was called off and the situation was a big mess. Ridwaan saw this as an opportunity to get closer to her, preying on her emotional vulnerability. He would call her five or six times a day to see if she was ok. He would tell her everything he thought she wanted to hear. He would say he liked chocolate milkshake, because she liked chocolate milkshake, even though he secretly preferred strawberry. Essentially he became another liar by mimicking her and molding his character to encapsulate everything HE thought that SHE wanted in a man.

The Son
Some men want a substitute mother. One that will wait with arms wide open at the front door when he arrives from work, feed him like he’s two years old and pet him on the head when he got an A for some moronic achievement. They don’t want partners and friends or companions, they want a woman who’s going to tell them to pick up after themselves, or a woman who will actually pick up after them and treat them like babies. They want to crawl home and let their mother’s indulge their every need and the wife is supposed to follow suit. The only difference is that the wife has to sleep with him too because it is illegal, a grave sin and just plain ol’ disgusting for the mother to do so.
Real-life Scenario: Imtiaz loves his mother a little too much and even more since his father passed away. He usually crawls into bed with her if he has bouts of insomnia and spends every weekend hosting garden tea parties for her geriatric friends. The thought of his mother ever getting married again repulses and nauseates him to profound depths. When Imtiaz finally agrees to take the matrimonial plunge, his mother is devastated. He belonged to her, and now some strange woman was going to take her place. Ayesha initially had her reservations about marrying Imtiaz, she had heard that he was very attached to his mother, but she thought that maybe in time, she would come to love her mother-in-law with the same intensity and devotion too. It was to Ayesha’s shock and horror then, when the mother-in-law requested that she not be allowed to sit in her marital bedroom, at all. Since Imtiaz always agreed with everything his mother said, Ayesha was only allowed to sit in the lounge but not allowed to watch TV either. If she didn’t want to sit in the lounge her other option was to stand outside and turn the windmill-like laundry line until all the laundry was dry. This was not the life Ayesha had envisioned for herself. To add to her misery, it soon became apparent that Imtiaz would still retire to his mother’s bed chambers when those bouts of insomnia returned.

The Commitment-Phobe
Some men just enjoy the thrill of being single, to be free and unaccountable for their actions. They can come and go as they please, see whoever they want to and do whatever they want to, at their leisure, without reporting to anyone. They regard the sanctity of marriage as immoral, abnormal, and a transgression against the true nature of man. To them, marriage is a sick and twisted game invented by women to forever imprison the male species. They prefer to be single and go from one meaningless relationship to another, until they are repulsive old men that wear their shirts buttoned down to their hairy potbellies, gold chains strewn across their thick necks reprising the Mr. T look, three strands of hair desperately trying to cover the emerging mass of baldness and an annoying swagger accompanied with an arrogance that only a rich crack-whore can afford. They usually die from coronary heart disease from all the steaks they consume, under some 22 year old student who only bothers so that she can afford the latest Prada pumps. And if they ever do get married, they transform into The Cheater.
Real-life Scenario: Uncle Abu is a rich prominent businessman and a big-shot in his community. He carries himself with that false sense of authority so well, that people automatically believe that he has to be someone important wherever he goes. He is loud and obnoxious and his poor wife cringes every time he opens his mouth. He contributes generously to fundraisers and is an active participant in his daughter’s school for all the wrong reasons, namely 16 year old Naseema. They have been doing the nasty for some time now, she gets the latest Nokia and he carries another badge on his coat of “accomplishments”.

The Sponge aka The Leech
Life is a playground for some men. Why should they take any responsibility? This is the 21st century after all and women’s liberation is there for a reason. These men are allergic to that little minor inconvenience of every day life called work. They see no point in it. Why should they slog the day away, when there’s a perfectly good woman who is desperate enough to want to do it for him. He has goals and aspirations too. One of them is to watch the game he PVR’d last night (he hopes she pays the account on time this month - doesn’t want to have to go through another period of having to do without his favourite channels), and he has to make sure that there is enough meat so he can have a little braai with some of his mates later on in the afternoon. His afternoons are “stoep-time”, he can watch the whole world go by with his coke in hand. Maybe tomorrow he’ll get going on that business proposal he’s been trying to get off the ground for the past 6 months. But first, he has to make sure that he as enough money for the poker tournament tonight, where’s that damn woman?
Real-life Scenario: Dawood has been depressed ever since he lost his job all those months ago. He has lulled himself into a comfortable state of laziness and simply doesn’t have the energy to get back into the game. He relies completely on Hajira to keep them afloat financially. However, the problem is that with inflation, and the current global economic crises, prices have increased so dramatically that one income is no longer sufficient for their household. Hajira is frustrated and takes it out on Dawood every night after work. She hit him with a pot last week and adding to his depression and emotional slump, the emasculation does nothing for him. Yet he cannot seem to find the courage to go out there and make it happen…find a job and support his family. She can’t leave him, she has no where else to go.

The Know-It-All
These men are the bane of my existence. They are true misogynists in every sense of the word and their arrogance knows no bounds. They tread the earth with a sense of entitlement reserved only for Greek mythical gods and US Presidential candidates and they have the uncanny ability to turn everything they touch into shit. They don’t know how to listen to reason or engage in normal debates because they always have to be right and possess a general lack of respect for the world at large. They are narcissistic creatures and are obsessed with little pieces of information, just so that they prove that they are superior in some way or form. In reality, they are ignorant assholes with low self-esteem that know absolutely nothing, and have to compensate for that by bullying their way to the top, often puffing out their chests like one of King Kong’s relatives.
Real-life Scenario: When Naeem married Yumna four years ago, he didn’t know that her family didn’t like him. They said that he was arrogant, self-centered, vain and a know-it-all. He is the kind of guy that will do physical research in terms of reading newspapers, journals etc., then form an elaborate plan to execute that knowledge in a carefully structured argument, where everything from the time to the venue in which the argument would take place is pre-determined. According to him, he’s ALWAYS right and always knows better. He will argue to his death if he could, about things he has no real knowledge of. He’s the kind of guy that will come across a slight reference to Pavlov’s theories in Psychology in a “Dear Aunt Beatty” self-help column and then attempt to argue his point with Professor X, the Head of the Psychology and Psychiatric Board of South Africa…and in such a manner, that he will throw his toys out of his cot like a 2 year old boy just to illustrate his ignorant and juvenile opinion on a subject he has no knowledge of.

The Indecisive Contradictor
Most men love bitches; it’s as simple as that. No matter WHAT the Man says, he’s looking for a wife that’s going to make him miserable. They will preach about what they want and expect out of a relationship, often citing their friends’ relationships as examples and learning curves, but at the end of the day, it means nothing. They almost always end up pining for the one that is exactly the opposite to their defined criteria and in some sadistic and masochistic way men enjoy this. They like to be treated like shit and they derive a sense of satisfaction from complaining about it.
Nothing is worse than a man who doesn’t know who he is or what he wants.
Real-Life Scenario: Ahmed and some of his friends say that ever since a few guys in their clique got hitched, it’s like all the wives have ruined their lives. But secretly Ahmed yearns for the same punishment. He wants to be whipped into shape. Malik can’t go fishing this weekend because his wife said No and she’ll bitch and moan until the cows come home. Shaheen can’t eat junk food anymore because his wife says it’s bad for his health and she insists on cooking for every meal, because Ghee laden kari-kitchri is so much healthier than Kentucky Fried Chicken.

I’m sure there are other stereotypes that I have forgotten to mention. But this is it for now. I’ll leave you with this…We are all imperfect, so there’d be no sense in expecting perfection from others. All we can do is work on perfecting our own characters, and hope that we find that special idiot…that special asshole whose faults we can tolerate...the one who can tolerate our faults as well. So yeah maybe he’ll be a Dog, but at least he’ll be MY Dog :D


  1. haha, LOL stuff, quite literally.
    thanks for the smile between my deadlines.

  2. Lmao u could write a book on this :) Very entertaining. The Son and the Indecisive Contradiction had me doubling over.

    Sadly I recognise some of these guys from my own or friends' experiences.

    I guess it's all about finding someone u can actually tolerate for the next 50 years, with all his imperfections and quirks. And someone who's willing to put up with all of yours. Here's to finding that special kind of asshole :)

  3. :D

    why can't we all be The Bitch :(

  4. Azra, great stuff :) hmm I see this in some of my friend's hubby but the one that got to me was The Sponge, poor friend does not know what she got herself into when she got hitched to the oke. promised her a million things and she got zilch, Poor Girl Friend!

  5. errr... am i the only guy writing back?
    with my due apologies to the guys community i wouldnt disagree to most of it. i think i fall in the know it all category... i used to be in one of the other categories once but have grown out of it :P
    a couple of points though
    1. i dont think Wentworth Miller is good looking.
    2. i would prefer charlize theron over ashwarya rai or pussy cat dolls...
    men are from mars, women are from venus anyone?

  6. I'm sure you'll find a couple of people out there who will choose to put me in one of your categories but I think I fall in the 1% who overtly defy the norm

    I'm willing to prove it Azra


  7. I just laughed upon reading this..

    The real life scenarios brought a good value added service..

    Im afraid to think in which category your breed (females) would slot me in

  8. Lol...how could I have missed your blog in my blog-stalker-modes?

    Really entertaining post...so truthful too! :D

  9. Ha! We are all dogs I tell you. Junaid that lying bastard :) Poor Dawood.

    I can see little bits from each one in me - I try not to be a know it all - I learnt that eventually lies come back to bite you. I do think that looks are important. I dotn cheat though - I am waiting for my chance to be a hero. Others dont apply though.

    So which category do I fit in?

    Great Post dude

  10. oh man this is funny. it woul make such a good lifestyle article. why dont u submit it to a magazine or something?!

  11. haha

    funny, i actually know a couple who got divorced because of mommy dearest.

    but, but, but, there is always a man who despite being everything and more thrills you to bits and makes you fall deep deep in love ...

  12. hmmmm no disrespect but rather sickening to read, does it not bother you to know so much about so little?
    I mean human beings are just too diverse.
    one of the most difficult things for people i think is to remain focused on the fact that there are not pathetic men and women among us but pathetic people, and that it really is easier to paint over a crack with the nearest brush than to take a break and breathe before the next stroke is made. its a whole lot weaker too.

    and nooj: this world can really do with less animals and more humans. stay the lady you are.

    Men love Women.
    Dogs love Bitches.

    people need to stop confusing the four.

  13. Saleeha - Glad I could help.

    WIP - I'd love to write a book...lol...and we all know them...

    Nooj - Some of us are too nice :)

    Princess - Some of us are victims and we dont even know it...

    Sami - Wentworth Miller is beautiful ok!?! LOL

    EOW - I'll take your word for it

    Killa - I'd put you with the Cheaters :D

    Fatima - Welcome and Thanx :)

    MJ - You're a whole other Post on your own LOL...

    Prixie - Thanx...Yeah I'd like to submit it to a mag or something...but I feel like its incomplete...maybe Part 2 coming up ... :)

    Tazeen - I wish I can find that man LOL :D

    CS - If you read carefully, you would have seen that I used words like GENERALISATIONS and STEREOTYPES in this post. I also mentioned in the end that there are "OTHER STEREOTYPES" that I hadn't mentioned...Believe it or not, but this was done intentionally, for people like you. I know more than anyone the nature and diversity of people...its what I currently do for a living. Of course you would find it offensive, ask yourself how many of those characteristics you identify yourself with (honestly)...its called Projection...you find fault with that you secretly identify with.

    Take it for what it is...you don't have to over-analyse everything in this world. Laugh, have a little fun once in a while.

  14. CS_ I understand u being wary of stereotypes. At the same time, one reason this was so humorous was because it resonated with most of us in one way or another, we had all experienced some of it. So even though it's wrong to have these judgemental assumptions, for most of us it's become a coping mechanism. If we all had to fan the idealist hopes you describe, the disappointment would be painful. So I salute your bravery in a scary world, but would rather stick to these rigid cognitions than risk my hope being collateral damage...

  15. Babe
    Control of

    *not my own acronym, but worth sharing, i thought*

    BRILLIANT imagination as always, dudette!

  16. OMG! I'm so glad that I don't have to worry about encountering any of these guys anymore. I know guys that fit the description on ALL of these...and more (sadly!)...

    Anyhoo, I once received a mug with the following inscription on it : 'You have to kiss a few frogs before you get a prince'...

    I agree with prixie...you should publish this :-)

  17. Aahh my morning laugh again! :-D Do love you azra baby!
    Poor Imtiaz! :-P looks like Ayesha gets off worse than anyone! Thats just plain weird and creepy *uurghh*

  18. Hey Nooj:
    Humour is pains path of least resistance. its exactly for not letting these notions go and being so afraid of risk that people become bitches, remain hurt and never find what they want. Remember: we secretly identify with that we find fault in.
    aaaagh at the end of the day there isnt much point in steering a car on a road with no direction.
    peace :)

  19. I cant help it but direct all the assholes to this post.
    hope you dont mind it because i want them to come together and see how they look like in the eye of a woman!

  20. Nah, don't mind...you can direct anyone to this post. The truth does hurt though :D

  21. your blog is nice but i think your work has influenced you a bit too much in the sense that you are categorizing people by a certain trait they displayed at one time or the other, just like you label files with block letter fonts and stack them away in different shelves.

    you're not doing justice to the complexity with which ALLAH created mankind.

    another thing, since you have the habit of including wise quotes from hither and thither, allow me to add to your treasury of anecdotal wisdom :

    behind every gentleman is a good woman.

    i think its time to reflect and wonder if the mothers of such unfortunate men you mentioned were like yourself; having random trysts with random jewish men.

    the truth does hurt.