Thursday, 11 December 2008

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

The Good: When I’m good, I’m fucking great…seriously, I’m not just tooting my own horn.
The Bad: I always see the good and the bad in people's characters...and I rarely trust them.
The Ugly: Hell Hath No Fury Like Azra Scorned.

The Good: I love my parents.
The Bad: They drive me insane.
The Ugly: I can’t afford to move out on my own so will probably have to endure their quirks for the rest of my life or until I get married...will then have to deal with the husband's quirks.

The Good: I want to travel the world.
The Bad: The current economic crisis is not going to make that any easier.
The Ugly: Being mistaken for a terrorist at every airport isn’t going to make that any easier either.

The Good: I’m currently being relentlessly pursued by a guy on Facebook.
The Bad: The only reason I entertain his conversations is because he hasn’t used the dreaded “S” (sweety) word yet and uses proper English…none of that mobile talk i.e. “u r so nyc, id lyk 2 c u”
The Ugly: He is 20 years old making me 6 years his Senior! I’m a lot of things, but a child molester isn’t one of them.

The Good: I’m going to pursue my MBA next year, iA.
The Bad: I have to choose between applying at NWU or for a scholarship at Amsterdam University.
The Ugly: Both application deadlines are in January, all personnel are on leave for Christmas so no one can process the application, both cost a fortune and there’s no guarantee that I’ll be successful.

The Good: I’m glad that I’ve had the opportunity to meet some very interesting, charming and intelligent people in the past year.
The Bad: I miss those friends that live in yonder…they were in my life for a brief time…but live on in my heart and on Facebook.
The Ugly: It will never be the same again for some of us. You get to a point where your friendship has reached the end of its life cycle and then its time to move on.

The Good: I managed to get rid of any toxic relationships/friendships that I had at a very early age.
The Bad: I somehow lament my wasted youth and often feel like I lost out in a lot of things.
The Ugly: “Regrets are a waste of time…they’re the past crippling you in the present” so there’s not much I can do about some things now.

The Good: I have a feeling that I will eventually get married,
The Bad: even though it doesn’t seem that way most of the time.
The Ugly: I feel sorry for the poor soul that has to endure my personality.

The Good: I want at least 4 kids…maybe 6 if I can afford it.
The Bad: Even though I’d love my kids to death, I’m a disciplinarian by nature.
The Ugly: My kids are eventually going to need therapy because their mother will try to be less controlling but won’t succeed because she loves them too much.

The Good: I’ll be a fantastic wife…devoted, honest, loyal, kind, compromising, accommodating, loving, nurturing, not materialistic or demanding, no nagging or tantrums etc. I’d climb mountains for him, walk through deserts, swim the deepest seas, move planets, cut my heart out…that kind of thing.
The Bad: I won’t tolerate substance abuse of any kind i.e. drugs and alcohol; Abuse of any kind i.e. physical, mental, emotional and MOST of all…Infidelity.
The Ugly: I don’t take too kindly to men who beat their women. In fact, if future hubby ever tried that shit with me, he’d probably land up in the ICU at Garden City Medi-Clinic because his wife tried to extract his spine from his rectum.

Azra becomes a demon at the mention of infidelity. She wouldn’t kill him; that would be too easy. But judging from what she would have in mind, he would be begging for death to envelope him. She would pretend that nothing happened for a full month…everything would be hunky dory while she gathers her ammunition and tools. She’d cancel any insurance that they had, especially on the house and household items and then one day, when everything has been bolted and the trap has been set, she would get him off-guard. She would begin his torture session by binding his hands to his feet, from the back with 2 sets of handcuffs…not the old ones with the chain in the middle…the ones with the steel shaft because there’d be no room for him to maneuver. Then she would peel the skin from his face with a carving knife and rub salt and lemon in the wounds. The scars on his face would serve as a reminder of his cheating ass every time he looked in the mirror. Then she’d clip 2 of those little clamps attached to 50 000 volts of electricity to his balls and proceed to shock the shit out of him at the exact times of the day or night that he engaged in his adulterous trysts. Then she’d dip his electrocuted shriveled winky in some crushed glass…like decorating a biscuit. Then she’d wash his body with petroleum and set him on fire…just long enough to suffer damaging burns. He would suffer a week for every day he was unfaithful…a week of fun and games for every day he pranced around arrogantly thinking that he could do as he pleases and that he would get away with it. Of course she’d stop occasionally to feed him and give him water…she wants him alive and well enough to remember everything. When the time is up…anywhere between one week and 10 months later…or longer…depending on how guilty he felt during his rendezvous’ to bring it to an end…she would take his battered body in a wheelbarrow and place him in a strategic location so that he can watch his house burn down with 2 tons of Hydrogen…the most volatile gas around that emits a colourless flame. There’d be no insurance pay-out since the insurance was cancelled a few weeks earlier and all his possessions would perish in the fire. She would of course plead temporary insanity, but then there would be no need because she knows all the right people :D

21 comments:

  1. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=psycho%20bitch

    ReplyDelete
  2. lol dont mess with Azra. Make sure the guy you plan on marrying reads this post first, I doubt cheating will ever cross his mind afterwards.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I can so relate to "I love my parents"... Darn Luck!

    Ok now the good: 'Im currently being relentlessly pursued by a guy on FB'... holy cow bull tweet tweet.. hehe.. and hey AGE DONT MATTER. if he wiser than the asses who have been out there and worked hard on their butts that doesnt make them better does it. The young guys have more of integrity than the old lot.. trust me :D

    but yes teh conversation sounds a bit off... like i said acronyms annoy me .. esp the ones wrong placed sheesh!

    For MBA... you have all my prayers. No vacation will steal your chances. You will get through.. GO GO GO!! :D

    The Good: of meeting interesting, charming and intelligent people... yup yup.. and obviously they cant replace teh old.. but every chapter can have a dedication cant it?

    Toxic drained? good girl :) you make me want to get rid of mine!

    I hope you get married. We all ned our homes and a guy who can spoil us to the core. And dont call him poor soul, cuz when he gets you, he'll be richer than the richest man in the world. hugs!!!
    i mean it!!!!

    kids dont have to be afforded.. you will make a terrific mommy.. sigh.. i wish i could suck all your negative thoughts girl. you so need someone fast.. MAY NEW YEAR BRING THE MARRIAGE AND THE NEXT ONE KIDS AFTER KIDS.. AMEN
    GOD HEAR ME!
    *PLEASE

    WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOO so you will make the perfect wife. I so know you would. I will share with you my list of perfections :D though wrote it months ago.. i am still at heart the same when i wrote it.. and the bad and the ugly have been rightly quoted!

    p.s. your torture cells made the little pores at the back of my neck twitch .. like serious twitch. it is kinda cold where i sit and this heat just enveloped me out of no where.. O U C HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

    BRILLIANTTTTTTT POUR!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. HAHA - This is some crazy stuff

    Feisty lady i must say ;)

    ReplyDelete
  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  6. This is D@RN Good - Cosmo Stuff...Hmm you've given me some idea's now! LoL poor Hubby - he best watch out!

    ReplyDelete
  7. What an entertaining read. I also hate abbreviated words if its not on IM. I cant believe people email in that lingo. Sheer laziness.

    I think you'd make a good stand up comedian.

    ReplyDelete
  8. sweety is the pits!
    i'm off on training for the kajee express tomz dont foget me!:)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Saals - I forgot to mention that I'd pull each of his toe nails out with a plier...LOL

    Shoaib - Hmm...so are you saying that you'd give your cheating partner a cup of tea and a foot massage?

    Sameerah - LOL...you know, I'm nothing like the Demon Azra...actually very easy-going and jovial all the time...and Demon Azra only comes out to play when there has been heart-wrenching betrayal or a gross violation of her rights. I'll be sure to let the man who wants to marry me read this :)

    Seher - The guys seems nice, but not for me..I'm very wary of younger guys...especially our younger generation here in SA...they like come from another planet compared to our generation.
    Don't worry Demon Azra is caged, and only let out to deal with assholes LOL.

    EDGE - LOL...That was just an overall view..I didn't mention some of my other torture tactics lol.

    Princess and Nafisa - Thanks :D
    I hate IM lingo on a normal email or message. I can understand if you're chatting on IM...or on Mxit...but I hate when people think that they can write letters like that.

    Nooj- Happy training...we could never forget about you, even if we tried :D

    ReplyDelete
  10. I love this post. Even better though is your idea of what should happen to him. I know you might want all the pleasure but if you ever come across someone like that and need help, give us a yell :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Congrats on deciding to go the MBA route---I'm sure you will do great!

    LOL :-) That is what a cheating bastard deserves...if I ever find myself in that situation, I'm gonna call you to help me implement the torture plan :-)

    ReplyDelete
  12. seems like every woman wants to skin em alive!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Haha well at least if he reads it, he can consider himself warned! U've put alot of thought into how ure gonna make him pay, scares me a bit :P

    ReplyDelete
  14. LMFAO!!!!! yup that is some funny shit

    ReplyDelete
  15. Emmy - lol...thanx, I'll keep that in mind.

    TCQ - Thanx..lol...call me anytime, I'll have your back :)

    Seher - Looks like it :)

    WIP - Torture is reserved for cheaters, wife-beaters, child molestors and infidels :)

    I don't actually advocate violence...in fact, I'm totally against it...but some men need to be made an example of. I have some other fucked up ideas...but I'll keep them hidden in the dusty corners of my mind for now :D

    Trinity - Yeah :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. you actually believe that there is a man out there with enough balls to love and accept you the way you are???

    Come on azra, you are way smarter than that.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Read Eleven Minutes and The Witch of Portobello (both by Paulo Coelho of The Alchemist fame) I loved all of them... but the first two describe multi-dimensional 'womanity' in some awesome ways :)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Azra - i loved the good, bad and ugly .. as for younger men.. it's purely a question of style. Age really is just a number, if the guy has a sufficient level of maturity what does it matter?

    Your torture scene reminds me of Hostel, you sure you didn't help with the script writing?? It sure scared the hell out of me.. but you gotta wonder as any individual in a relationship .. if your partner is straying how much of it is your fault?!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Tazeen - LOL...a girl can hope can't she?

    KS - Multi-dimensional indeed...this is the thing with people...they always assume or think that you have to be good or evil, they don't see people as encompassing different characteristics...its not about being either/or...we all possess varying degrees of each in our personalities and we are all capable of things we wouldn't ever think of given the applicable circumstances. So its easy to say "I'd never do that"...how do you know? Were you ever in that position? Things change all the time. Thats the only constant in life.

    UJ - Thanx. LOL. I agree maturity is key...
    I've never heard of Hostel - is it a movie or series?
    I won't negate the fact that sometimes both partners are to blame...but there are numerous cases where the man has issues - whether they be commitment or self-related i.e. he doesn't believe he's worthy enough of his spouse so he sabotages his relationship by cheating and hoping she finds out. There are alot of factors. Some men cheat purely because they can...its a cheap thrill. Some cheat because they have issues with their sexuality. Theres many reason, and yeah sometimes the woman contributes or exacerbates the situation...but other times, its purely him and his ego.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I feel I shud refer to u as sw3ty from now on.

    ReplyDelete