Thursday, 18 December 2008

Mother Xmas: Gifts For All

Following in the footsteps and elaborating on OH’s Post yesterday, I have to say that I hate this time of the year. Hot, scorching days followed by humid, sticky nights are not my thing. I particularly loathe hot air.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t like Summer. In fact it’s my second favourite season behind Spring, the Season of Promise. I just don’t like the 38° blistering-desert-like-flesh-roasting-dry-ass type of summers. I love the 26° balmy-but-cool-breeze-sitting-by-the-ocean-or-river-or-even-pool-with-ice-cold-drink-in-hand kind of summers. But I detest this time of year not only because of the weather, but because everything seems to take twice as much effort to accomplish and in double the time. For instance, Work...no one wants to be working and if you’re not on holiday enduring the hordes of people in your face or driving at 0.2km/hour, you’re stuck in an office where simple tasks like photocopying a report is akin to climbing Everest.

I just came from the Mall, actually KFC; went to get a late lunch but it was like a Lara Croft Tomb Raider expedition. There were about a million little rude retards that are usually let out their cages at this time of the year, set free in the school holidays. They infest public places like fleas and lice. Forget going to watch a movie, not without someone kicking the back of your chair, giving a “Special Features” director’s commentary on the movie with their friends, sitting on Mxit or chatting on a phone that doesn’t seem to stop ringing. If you’re slightly claustrophobic, there’s no point in going anywhere really; not without the stifling and suffocating sea of bodies and faces on what seems to be every available inch of earth.

I avoid all kinds of shopping during this period (unless I really have to) and prefer to sit at home because I don’t want to be killed off by some cock-eyed drunk moron either. I'm also usually in the northern hemisphere this time of the year where it is freezing and no one steps out of their homes. I wear clothes that resemble my mother’s curtains, prance around in empty streets like Mary Poppins and enjoy the few weeks of cold weather, which is a relief after soaking up sweltering temperatures in JHB.

I miss some of my friends during this time and I’m usually posting Holiday Cards to all my Christian and Jewish friends locally and internationally. I usually receive tons of cards too, even though I don’t celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah. What I do like about this season is the idea of giving presents. Now I advocate gift-giving throughout the year, and not for any specific reason or occasion but because I generally love giving gifts. I especially love giving whacky, quirky and totally useless gifts. Which got me thinking…if I was a Squa-jillionaire what would I buy for everyone? Well Mother Xmas is in Cyber-Space, dressed to kill with her red fishnet stockings and stiletto “boots with the fur”…let me see what I would have in my little baggie while I look at my blogroll (and in no particular order):

Prixie – A lifetime supply of Godiva chocolates, a private tour of Willy Wonka’s factory (be careful of those Oompa Loompas though) and 25 boxes of blue food colouring.

Edge – Four tickets to every game at the World Cup in 2010 including the Final and dinner with the winning team afterwards, a Spatula and pancake mix.

Dew – Two unlimited passes to all the art museums in Europe and Asia complete with transport, food and accommodation and a Stapler with 200 boxes of staples.

NK – A brand new black Toyota Auris, latest edition, all the accessories, free petrol for six months and a garden gnome.

Saaleha.com – A state of the art fitted kitchen complete with Ambient technologies, granite table tops, marble floors, LG plasma-internet refrigerator, microwave, stove/hub, finest China and porcelain crockery, cutlery, AMC pots etc. and a pair of roller-skates.

Princess – An in depth tour of the Middle East including accommodation, flights, transfers, breakfast daily and a truck load of PVC.

OH – The latest Sony home theatre system, a lifetime of unlimited DVD’s from Musica, HMV, Virgin and Look and Listen stores, a yearly visit to Waterstones’s in the UK and a clown suit.

Seher – A 3G iPhone, up-gradable to newer future models with a lifetime of unlimited minutes and text messages and 30 boxes of paper clips.

Emmy – A lifetime of free flights to SA, car hire, Southern Sun hotel accommodation and a cow.

Aasia – A loft apartment in Sandton, completely furnished to your liking and a lawn mower.

Sofi – The entire UK Woolworths chain, unlimited Pic’n Mix sweets at your disposal and a skate-board.

Tazeen – The latest and most sophisticated camera equipment, your own studio, a photography course, a world tour and a Colgate toothbrush.

Isheeta – A state of the art personal gym, complete with gyming equipment, trainer, nutritionist and 6 tins of Heinz baked beans.

MJ – A Coca-Cola machine with a lifetime supply of Coke, your own public mosque, an exclusive ticket on a lengthy worldwide all expenses paid tour on the KAJEE EXPRESS (check it out before they delete it) and a pink bunny suit.

BB-Aisha – A voucher for the latest designer bags and shoes in an array of colours, valid for the next 20 years, and 2kg of apricot seeds.

Desert Demons – An all expenses paid six-month tour of Northern Africa and the Middle East, a job as a UN Ambassador and a surf board.

Shoaib – A two-bedroom place in London around the corner from Oxford Street, a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts every month for 3 years and 2 pairs of knitting needles with orange wool.

KS – A lifetime of unlimited books from any Exclusive Books store, latest Sony Vaio 120MB, 16G Sony Flash Drive and a parachute.

Mubi – A holiday to Belgium with all-you-can-eat chocolate tours, a voucher to import your favourite Belgian chocolate to your home town for the next 10 years and a screwdriver.

Killa – PS4 on pre-order, unlimited Big Macs for 10 years, Brad Pitt’s shield in Troy and 100 boxes of tampons.

EMCT – A free baby-sitter on call 24 hours day for the next 10 years, regular weekend all expenses paid breaks away to the coast and US$7 in change.

Qdee – A Nine-West voucher valid for the next 15 years, a DVD recorder and a tent.

Kay – A European, Asian and Middle Eastern all expenses paid tour of old and contemporary bookshops, unlimited baggage allowance and an electric saw.

Sameerah – An all expenses paid visit to New York City USA, an all-you-can-buy scrapbook shopping spree at Borders, unlimited baggage allowance and 40 meters of steel piping.

TCQ – A 4 bedroom, fully furnished house in Constantia Kloof, a year long supply of fruit and vegetables from Fruit and Veg City, and 50 little army men toy figurines.

Waseem – A six week tour with any Soccer team of your choice, unlimited paintball for the rest of your life and the story of Cinderella in 12 different languages.

Nooj – A luxury yacht with all the amenities, an exclusive ticket on a lengthy worldwide all expenses paid tour on the KAJEE EXPRESS and 30 floral print chiffon dresses.

Parasputin – A fully furnished house in the Swiss Alps, unlimited rail passes and a flute.

Afrocentric Saaleha – An unlimited all expenses paid pass to all photographic museums and exhibitions around the world, a free book of your choice every month for the next 10 years and a Nissen Almera engine.

Safiyya – An unlimited pass to Fashion week in New York, London, Paris, Milan and Tokyo, VIP backstage passes and a baby bottle.

Hasina – An all expenses paid shopping trip to Dubai, unlimited baggage allowance and 12 Geese.

Zesty – A custom made Ferrari Adonai especially imported from Italy, a car-seat for the baby and a baseball glove.

Fatima – A two bedroom fully furnished apartment in the overseas destination of your choice, free tickets to SA twice a year for the next 10 years and 20 green light bulbs.

Trinity – A tall glass of Moosa :D and a lifetime supply of earbuds.

Blue – A Slush Puppy Machine, free unlimited Levi Jeans for the next 20 years and a yellow tutu.

UJ – An all expenses paid 10 month tour with the Formula 1 guys, Halaal food in every country and a plastic tiara.

Lone Writer – A fully furnished lodge in the Drakensberg mountains, an X5 to get there, a stable housing 5 horses and a pair of ballet shoes.

WIP – An all expenses paid sabbatical for the length of time and destination of your choice complete with Spa treatments and retail therapy, new tyres for your car and stone statue of Julius Caesar.

SG – An all expenses paid trip for two to the Auto Expo in Germany every year for the next 10 years, free test drives and 12 Barbie dolls.

Stunna – A month in the life of a high roller including first class flights to any destination, 5 star accommodation, Armani suits and P Diddy’s bling and 17000 matchsticks.

So there you have it ladies and gentlemen. Your wishful-thinking Xmas presents from moi for 2008. Feel free to barter or exchange gifts with other bloggers if you want to. I have some more blogger gifts for anyone I may have left out in this tiny bag of mine, just send a shout out.

PS. There are some places left on the KAJEE EXPRESS…make your bookings now.

43 comments:

  1. haha! that would've been much appreciated :D I think the garden gnome will be creepy tho ..

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  2. Ha, I see u share my sentiments when it comes to kids. Love my christmas gift, that would be so awesome except I dunno what I'd do what the Julius Caeser statue? This was fun to read, will comment on everyone else's "gifts" later.

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  3. Oh yeah! I could use a pair of rollerskates.

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  4. Schweet AZRA...you hit the nail on the head right there...

    Now let me see what SANTA has for you...lol

    I think I would give you a 1 year voucher from "air chauffers". And because you got me a gift I will get you the super deluxe voucher which includes a helicopter chauffer service including mobile helipad and a handsome male executive assistant who has an IQ of 120 and who is also fluent in spanish...

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  5. Oh bless you Azra, I love my gift!Very thoughtful of you.

    And the saw...well I might have to hack a head off some unfortunate creature sometime or I could trade the saw for your julius caesar statue WIP... ;)

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  6. Thanks :) I admit to have cast a few envious looks at Edges gift though. I'm so horrible at buying gifts though.

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  7. And from me to you:

    The afore-discussed Island life, complete with plantation fields, do-nothing days and azure ocean. oh and the hot dude to marry...

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  8. oh mY word. i cant stop smiling :P

    and since khadija's already given u an island, and u already have your own planet... im just gna present you with company on ur travels of the queendom until i come up with a better idea :)

    santa could give his little helpers the boot after he reads this list, btw! he should offer you the brand ambassador position with your own sleigh and a hundred reindeer...

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  9. AWWW man, i LOVE mother xmas..


    and then when you came over we could spend our entire time in the very same stores just reliving our childhood! :D

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  10. i love it i love it i love it i just simply love it!

    BUT could i have some money to buy the stuff from the ramp :)

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  11. How did you know I loved soccer? Kewl gift Mother Xmas... now what to get you Squa-jillionaire.... got it since you an F1 fan ill get you this .... *A $16 million Ferrari package. Anyone can buy a Ferrari these days, as long as you wait a year. But this super-VIP package includes a F1 Ferrari (which was driven in a race), two VIP passes to all 20 Formula One races next season, an all-access pass to the Ferrari paddocks and pits, a private dinner with Schumi and tea with Bernie Ecclestone. All in all a great package for those with “scarlet fever.” (and if you dont support Ferrari but rather a proper team like Mclaren which I do this package is exchangeble... but I figure you for a Ferrari girl for some reason)

    Oh and I have been known to whip up a pretty good flapjack havent tried pancakes yet so I better start practising

    And please sign me up for the Kajee express I am so on.

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  12. Ahh figured out the soccer connection its the photo :)

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  13. Azra,

    that was the best and most thoughtful gift i ever received. I cant that enough. Seriously.


    You are the best.

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  14. AAh! Best imagined gift ever!

    Thankyou:)

    Mine to you:

    A yacht to cruise around the world. Oh and someone who knows how to steer it:)

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  15. U forgot the LIGHTSAVER.. Why do people always forget the LIGHTSAVER.. Even effen SANTA forgot it for 21 odd years.. The lightsaver app on the iPhone is the closest im gonna get to one.

    O and fyi - I dont eat the BIG MAC :P

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  16. Duracell?

    Keeps going and going and going.

    Own public mosque is an oxymoron if I ever heard one. i just want a mosque where everyone can congregate - regardless of ideological differences.

    Oh - Wikipedia has this to say about the soon to be removed page

    It is proposed that this article be deleted because of the following concern:
    See WP:MADEUP
    If you can address this

    concern

    by improving, copyediting, sourcing, renaming or merging the page, please edit this page and do so. You may remove this message if you improve the article or otherwise object to its deletion for any reason. To avoid confusion, it helps to explain why you object to the deletion, either in the edit summary or on the talk page. If this template is removed, it should not be replaced.

    The article may be deleted if this message remains in place for five days.Prod, concern: See WP:MADEUP This template was added 2008-12-18 12:37; five days from then is 2008-12-23 12:37.

    If you created the article, please don't take offense. Instead, consider improving the article so that it is acceptable according to the deletion policy.

    If i was santa claus and I had to give you a christmas present i'd get you a blender. I like blenders. Chrome ones. The ones that you see working perfectly everytime at the home exhibitions. Not the lousy ones you end up buying at Game.

    Yeah - A Blender for azra :D

    why the tampons for killa?

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  17. what the fuck is a lightsaver? dont you mean Lightsaber son?

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  18. I usually have the quarter pounder deluxe with large fries and a sweet and sour dip. MMMM :D

    The Milkshake is pretty good

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  19. "I especially love giving whacky, quirky and totally useless gifts. Which got me thinking…......."

    Do like the idea of regifting?
    Just saw a news item in states.

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  20. I thought about what to get you and i decided ... ne of those scnted candles, its a nice generic gift to give girls, and ill put it in a gift bag which is like a gift on its own, am i right?

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  21. Awwww Thanks Azra :-)
    That is the bestest imaginary gift I have ever received...
    Now I will just have to think about what I would get you if I were a jillionnaire...
    To be continued...

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  22. hahaha Squa-jillionaire eh!!! Bravo my friend Bravo!

    Much appreciated, i mean an iphone is what i have been honking on for the past so many months and you just solved it virtually for now at least :D
    love you loads my dear..
    for a virtual season wrap up momentoooooooo i have for you loads of faith and loads of happinesss and a whole continent worth of CONTENTMENT!!!!
    i sure hope it adds up to teh sparkles of your life..
    AMENNN!!!

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  23. NK - I love giving useless gifts :)

    WIP - You can exchange the statue with Kay's saw :)

    Saaleha.com - The kitchen is exchangable for a Dolce and Gabbana contract - to design Moleskin covers :)

    Stunna - Thanx. But you didn't have to get me anything...although I won't turn down Mr. Spanish :D

    Kay - you can negotiate with WIP. Thanks for th Island life! But you have to come with :P

    Waseem - Thanks for your gift idea. I'll ask Edge to give you one of the unlimited passes to all the games ok?

    KS - You have to join us on the island too...bring your tywriter, theres no electricity there...not yet.

    Sofi - Island life sound appealing? Although we'll have to ship in all the Pic'n Mixes because I need my chocolate :D

    Safiyya - You don't need any money because for you, everything is free. You just have to choose :)

    Edge - Thanks for the Ferrari package :) Yeah I'm a fan...maybe its all that Red. Please give Waseem one of your 4 tickets...he's very funny and will make great company to all the games :)

    Tazeen - We are kindred spirits :) Join me on my island life when you return from your world tour escapades :)

    Dew - AAwww thanks! I love boats and sailing! Thanx.

    Killa - Must always be picky...you can have any damn thing from MickyD's ok. And the tampons are for that potty mouth when you become so moody...to soak up all the shit.

    MJ - Yeah I know what Wikipedia said, thats why I told you to read it before they delete it.
    Public Mosque - meant to say that you build one for all your kindred spirits with the pierced eyebrows and mohawks to pray in peace without a million stares from the sanctimonious beards.

    Men! Always have to be so damn technical!

    Daanish - I still have a Pool table, Xbox, Game Arcade, Soccer Stadium, BMW325i, Bungalow in Bora Bora, Go-kart racetrack and a dozen white roses (amongst some other things in my bag)...so choose what you want :)

    TCQ - My pleasure...don't worry about gift for me. I dont give to get and I like giving more than receiving :)

    Seher - Thank you so much dear for the continent of contentment and happiness :)

    For all you bloggers, I wish you Peace, Safety, Wealth, Health, Contentment and Happiness too in the coming 2009! InshaAllah Ameen.

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  24. awww azra- thats just wicked! I will have you know though, that I aint driving in SA. They'll freaking run me over. SO your drive and I'll just strap on the seat belt, sit back and relax :) Not to sound unappreciative or anything. I must admit Im going to totally sulk if Edge doesnt take me along as one of his 3 people to the matches.

    Khadija had to get in there first with the Island, damnit! i'd get you a gift that would start with you and all your blogger mates flying to Oz for a month which we'd travel around the country having a blast with me as your tour guide. I promise you'll see the most beautiful scenery, meet the nicest people, have the best coffee and chocolate and meet some deadly animals and insects.
    Hope to see you soon!

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  26. my thinkin is tampons for nose bleeds, of course :P

    in other news... IsLaNd, you say? i dont hav no typewriter... will bring along my new vaio xmas pressie with a bag of loaded ammo (charged batteries) when they run out, will plug in to the supercharged atmosphere. it works in the movies...

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  27. A definite 5 star for this post!

    Though I would have LOVED Aragon's sword!!

    Though I love my prezzie!! And more emotional ways than you can imagine

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  28. Edge - Please take Emmy too, she's also very cool and will be great company :)

    Emmy - Thanks for the invitation. I may actually come one day :) Kajee Express to Oz? Yeah sounds cool...very Wizard-Of-Oz-down-the-yelloe-brick-roady. lol
    I can't drive you around here, no problem, I can even organise a chauffer, let me jsut see my bank balance on that Squa-jillion LOL. Damn I really wish I had that kind of money.

    KS - We can get rechargeable-solar powered batteries!

    Trinity - I was going to give you Aragon's sword for your birthday...but if you want it now...

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  29. Ahhh! Divine! THANK YOU! And I shall bestow upon you your OWN PORTABLE ISLAND so you can take it where ever you fancy. and lots and lots of man slaves at your call. tee hee....

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  30. If tampons soak up shit as u say.. That means u gals stick those up the arse..

    Just a thought..

    MJ - LIGHTSABER.. My bad

    Maybe SANTA didnt send due to spelling error..

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  31. I love my gift, that would be sooo awesome, thanx:) the steel piping was funny tho.

    Id get you a lifetime supply of huge handbags to fit anything and everything. Also an around the world in 80 days trip.

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  32. KS - Nosebleeds...of course! lol

    Killa - No, women don't stick them up their arses, do we need to go back to high school for another bio lesson?
    Besides, KS was 100% right...you can use them for all the nose bleeds lol :P

    Prixie - Thanx! I'll soon own half the world at this rate :D

    Sameerah - Thanx :) I love to travel so I wouldnt mind any trip :D

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  33. Hah! I have it! An endless supply of airline tickets to travel wherever you want, accompanied by Wentworth Miller ;-)

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  34. i love you azra-aww, wouldn't that be unbelievable. *drool* but umm, can u throw in UN ambassador job too:-)

    now i have to think of what i'll get you...will get back to you on this

    & ps: this post shows your thoughtful personality

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  35. a big HUG coming your way :D :D :D
    i absolutely LOVED the gift!!!
    m already drooling over the idea of having such an amount of chocolates :D :D and to think of Belgium chocos..yummm!! and i loved my gift so no exchanges :p

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  36. o and the screwdriver would come handy anyway :D

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  37. Habibti, Yaslamoo haal-ideen. - May God bless those hands!

    The surfboard - helo ikthir! Used it on the dunes today!

    Bur seriously and I need a vacation from the desert and the UN! ;-)

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  38. TCQ - Aaww thanks man!! Wentworth Miller? Thats gotta set you back a chunk :)

    BB-Aisha - Since Desert Demons needs a break, I think I could wrangle another UN Ambassador job...will pull my Squa-Jillionaire strings :D

    Mubi - Glad you liked it :)

    DesertD - I've got a lengthy tour of Ancient South America complete with a two week vacation in Costa Rica in one of the inside pockets of my bag. Maybe that will do :)

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  39. Azra,

    oooh all teh greenery in da Amazon! wow! mwah

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  40. Hey Azra, love the gifts ... Merry Xmas and Happy New Year !!! Apologies for the delayed response, I've been on hols, on that note could you add a ski cabin to my xmas stocking. PS. Love the orange wool ... how'd you know ???

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  41. firstly az i amk co0mp0letely and utterly impressed and wil def abuse ur gmail acct every time an occassion to splurge money c0omes up. secondly FLORAL PRINT CHIFFON dresses!!! cumaaaan. i would rather flout hijab laws and wear nothing. and thats saying a lot. is it coz of my blog decor? well maybe there's a repressed hidden urge somewhere inside but yeah best it stays there. for you. i wish an opportunity to be a tour guide for all the rich and famous all over the world. so you can learn dif languages and stay in dif places. but thats what i wanna come out if the kajee express. a tour agency. check my cbox...

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  42. Shoobs - You can have a ski cabin in Austria or Mt. Pilatus in Switzerland.

    Nooj - The dresses are my completely useless gift to you :P

    I love giving horrible, useless gifts :D

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  43. Salaams Azra, I have been away and without internet for some time :( anyway am now back and in full swing. Muharram mubarak...jazakallah that gift would be an awesome one :)

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