Following in the footsteps and elaborating on OH’s Post yesterday, I have to say that I hate this time of the year. Hot, scorching days followed by humid, sticky nights are not my thing. I particularly loathe hot air.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t like Summer. In fact it’s my second favourite season behind Spring, the Season of Promise. I just don’t like the 38° blistering-desert-like-flesh-roasting-dry-ass type of summers. I love the 26° balmy-but-cool-breeze-sitting-by-the-ocean-or-river-or-even-pool-with-ice-cold-drink-in-hand kind of summers. But I detest this time of year not only because of the weather, but because everything seems to take twice as much effort to accomplish and in double the time. For instance, Work...no one wants to be working and if you’re not on holiday enduring the hordes of people in your face or driving at 0.2km/hour, you’re stuck in an office where simple tasks like photocopying a report is akin to climbing Everest.
I just came from the Mall, actually KFC; went to get a late lunch but it was like a Lara Croft Tomb Raider expedition. There were about a million little rude retards that are usually let out their cages at this time of the year, set free in the school holidays. They infest public places like fleas and lice. Forget going to watch a movie, not without someone kicking the back of your chair, giving a “Special Features” director’s commentary on the movie with their friends, sitting on Mxit or chatting on a phone that doesn’t seem to stop ringing. If you’re slightly claustrophobic, there’s no point in going anywhere really; not without the stifling and suffocating sea of bodies and faces on what seems to be every available inch of earth.
I avoid all kinds of shopping during this period (unless I really have to) and prefer to sit at home because I don’t want to be killed off by some cock-eyed drunk moron either. I'm also usually in the northern hemisphere this time of the year where it is freezing and no one steps out of their homes. I wear clothes that resemble my mother’s curtains, prance around in empty streets like Mary Poppins and enjoy the few weeks of cold weather, which is a relief after soaking up sweltering temperatures in JHB.
I miss some of my friends during this time and I’m usually posting Holiday Cards to all my Christian and Jewish friends locally and internationally. I usually receive tons of cards too, even though I don’t celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah. What I do like about this season is the idea of giving presents. Now I advocate gift-giving throughout the year, and not for any specific reason or occasion but because I generally love giving gifts. I especially love giving whacky, quirky and totally useless gifts. Which got me thinking…if I was a Squa-jillionaire what would I buy for everyone? Well Mother Xmas is in Cyber-Space, dressed to kill with her red fishnet stockings and stiletto “boots with the fur”…let me see what I would have in my little baggie while I look at my blogroll (and in no particular order):
Prixie – A lifetime supply of Godiva chocolates, a private tour of Willy Wonka’s factory (be careful of those Oompa Loompas though) and 25 boxes of blue food colouring.
Edge – Four tickets to every game at the World Cup in 2010 including the Final and dinner with the winning team afterwards, a Spatula and pancake mix.
Dew – Two unlimited passes to all the art museums in Europe and Asia complete with transport, food and accommodation and a Stapler with 200 boxes of staples.
NK – A brand new black Toyota Auris, latest edition, all the accessories, free petrol for six months and a garden gnome.
Saaleha.com – A state of the art fitted kitchen complete with Ambient technologies, granite table tops, marble floors, LG plasma-internet refrigerator, microwave, stove/hub, finest China and porcelain crockery, cutlery, AMC pots etc. and a pair of roller-skates.
Princess – An in depth tour of the Middle East including accommodation, flights, transfers, breakfast daily and a truck load of PVC.
OH – The latest Sony home theatre system, a lifetime of unlimited DVD’s from Musica, HMV, Virgin and Look and Listen stores, a yearly visit to Waterstones’s in the UK and a clown suit.
Seher – A 3G iPhone, up-gradable to newer future models with a lifetime of unlimited minutes and text messages and 30 boxes of paper clips.
Emmy – A lifetime of free flights to SA, car hire, Southern Sun hotel accommodation and a cow.
Aasia – A loft apartment in Sandton, completely furnished to your liking and a lawn mower.
Sofi – The entire UK Woolworths chain, unlimited Pic’n Mix sweets at your disposal and a skate-board.
Tazeen – The latest and most sophisticated camera equipment, your own studio, a photography course, a world tour and a Colgate toothbrush.
Isheeta – A state of the art personal gym, complete with gyming equipment, trainer, nutritionist and 6 tins of Heinz baked beans.
MJ – A Coca-Cola machine with a lifetime supply of Coke, your own public mosque, an exclusive ticket on a lengthy worldwide all expenses paid tour on the KAJEE EXPRESS (check it out before they delete it) and a pink bunny suit.
BB-Aisha – A voucher for the latest designer bags and shoes in an array of colours, valid for the next 20 years, and 2kg of apricot seeds.
Desert Demons – An all expenses paid six-month tour of Northern Africa and the Middle East, a job as a UN Ambassador and a surf board.
Shoaib – A two-bedroom place in London around the corner from Oxford Street, a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts every month for 3 years and 2 pairs of knitting needles with orange wool.
KS – A lifetime of unlimited books from any Exclusive Books store, latest Sony Vaio 120MB, 16G Sony Flash Drive and a parachute.
Mubi – A holiday to Belgium with all-you-can-eat chocolate tours, a voucher to import your favourite Belgian chocolate to your home town for the next 10 years and a screwdriver.
Killa – PS4 on pre-order, unlimited Big Macs for 10 years, Brad Pitt’s shield in Troy and 100 boxes of tampons.
EMCT – A free baby-sitter on call 24 hours day for the next 10 years, regular weekend all expenses paid breaks away to the coast and US$7 in change.
Qdee – A Nine-West voucher valid for the next 15 years, a DVD recorder and a tent.
Kay – A European, Asian and Middle Eastern all expenses paid tour of old and contemporary bookshops, unlimited baggage allowance and an electric saw.
Sameerah – An all expenses paid visit to New York City USA, an all-you-can-buy scrapbook shopping spree at Borders, unlimited baggage allowance and 40 meters of steel piping.
TCQ – A 4 bedroom, fully furnished house in Constantia Kloof, a year long supply of fruit and vegetables from Fruit and Veg City, and 50 little army men toy figurines.
Waseem – A six week tour with any Soccer team of your choice, unlimited paintball for the rest of your life and the story of Cinderella in 12 different languages.
Nooj – A luxury yacht with all the amenities, an exclusive ticket on a lengthy worldwide all expenses paid tour on the KAJEE EXPRESS and 30 floral print chiffon dresses.
Parasputin – A fully furnished house in the Swiss Alps, unlimited rail passes and a flute.
Afrocentric Saaleha – An unlimited all expenses paid pass to all photographic museums and exhibitions around the world, a free book of your choice every month for the next 10 years and a Nissen Almera engine.
Safiyya – An unlimited pass to Fashion week in New York, London, Paris, Milan and Tokyo, VIP backstage passes and a baby bottle.
Hasina – An all expenses paid shopping trip to Dubai, unlimited baggage allowance and 12 Geese.
Zesty – A custom made Ferrari Adonai especially imported from Italy, a car-seat for the baby and a baseball glove.
Fatima – A two bedroom fully furnished apartment in the overseas destination of your choice, free tickets to SA twice a year for the next 10 years and 20 green light bulbs.
Trinity – A tall glass of Moosa :D and a lifetime supply of earbuds.
Blue – A Slush Puppy Machine, free unlimited Levi Jeans for the next 20 years and a yellow tutu.
UJ – An all expenses paid 10 month tour with the Formula 1 guys, Halaal food in every country and a plastic tiara.
Lone Writer – A fully furnished lodge in the Drakensberg mountains, an X5 to get there, a stable housing 5 horses and a pair of ballet shoes.
WIP – An all expenses paid sabbatical for the length of time and destination of your choice complete with Spa treatments and retail therapy, new tyres for your car and stone statue of Julius Caesar.
SG – An all expenses paid trip for two to the Auto Expo in Germany every year for the next 10 years, free test drives and 12 Barbie dolls.
Stunna – A month in the life of a high roller including first class flights to any destination, 5 star accommodation, Armani suits and P Diddy’s bling and 17000 matchsticks.
So there you have it ladies and gentlemen. Your wishful-thinking Xmas presents from moi for 2008. Feel free to barter or exchange gifts with other bloggers if you want to. I have some more blogger gifts for anyone I may have left out in this tiny bag of mine, just send a shout out.
PS. There are some places left on the KAJEE EXPRESS…make your bookings now.