I’ve been hollering like a freaking Banshee since this morning. I definitely woke up on the side of the bed where frustration is rearing its ugly head again. Cussing, swearing and insouciant misbehaviour is the order of the day. So be warned all ye sensitive maggots.
Firstly, to everyone complaining its cold; HELLO and welcome to the middle of winter. If you look to your west, you will see a cold front approaching, as it always does at this time of the year. It’s supposed to be bloody cold. If it’s hot, we have major problems.
I re-iterate, I hate winter. I can’t even get out of bed without complaining. I’m like a nagging wife, but without the fucking perks of an incompetent husband. To make matters worse, I gave away 80% of my winter wardrobe, because sometimes I’m a crazy bitch and I enjoy throwing stuff out. So as a result, I don’t have much to wear in the cold and I refuse to buy more winter stuff, because I’m in major denial. Think I should move to Durban until September.
And it seems I’m not the only one sailing down that river. So many broken people everywhere you go, all up shit creek with no paddles, no motors, nada. It’s fucking depressing. I strongly advise everyone (myself included) to go and read or re-read THIS POST . And let’s get one thing straight. I’m not sitting here on my fucking high horse looking down at everyone else because I am, after all, one of you maggots. This Promised Land is Great, but it’s fucking hard work, every single day.
Promised Land is not about NOT being disappointed or NOT having problems (thats a whole lotta fucking nots), we all go through the same shit on different days. It’s about dealing with it differently, more positively, more proactively. And while it takes actual “work” to see through everyday, without getting drawn into that magnetic force of emotional wretchedness that’s so appealing, slumps are inevitable.
Every now and then, it’s normal to hate that question. It’s normal to hate those aunts who look at you the way those technicians at Sony look at broken appliances brought in for repair. It’s normal to want to stuff your face with every kind of junk food that can be bought in a 10km radius. It’s normal to want to sit in a corner or hide where no one can find you because you feel like you just want to be left alone. It’s normal to want to slaughter those guys and girls who muck about in their relationships, get divorced once, twice or even thrice, and manage to get married AGAIN (to partners who were never married and adore the shit out of them) all in the span of three months. It’s normal to question how they managed to get hitched THREE TIMES in less than 2 years, when you can’t even manage to incite a fucking decent conversation. It’s normal to want to hack off the heads of your friends who coo about their significant others like fucking birds lost in Trafalgar Square. It’s normal to hate those people who talk about their “husbands” like the fact that they’re hitched gives them some sort of superior status in society, meaning they’re better than you. It’s normal to hate all notions of relationships. It’s normal to hate.
So slumps are normal and to be expected. But what to do about them? I wish I had concrete answers like those paradoxical lollipops the dentist gives you to make it all better (ironic because those lollipops are the fucking reason you’re there in the first place!), but I don’t. All we can do is get up off the floor, dust ourselves off, and carry on. And play that insipid waiting game. And I know, some are saying “I’m tired of waiting, it’s been like 2 decades, where is he already?”...
Unfortunately, you’ll get some who will say “Don’t just sit there, God won’t hand him to you on a plate”…and other’s who say “It’s all destiny, it has been written, don’t worry about it”. Now who the fuck do you believe? (I’m so sick of everyone else worrying more about my love life than I do. I don’t like my current situation, but I’ve accepted it as it is. Now will everyone leave me the fuck alone so that I can eat my grapefruit in peace?!?! Thanks.)
...the answer is “I don’t know”. I don’t have the answers and I’m not sure I want to look for them. No one wants to be told they’re not good enough. Everyone is afraid of rejection. What a sad state of affairs. I really do hate this fucking world. Maybe happiness doesn’t exist. Maybe if we were all meant to be happy, then we wouldn’t be here. Think about it, that’s why there’s a Heaven innit? Things aren’t and cannot be perfect all the time. Sometimes, they’ll never be perfect and maybe it’s for us to just accept that, swallow the truth and stop expecting perfection. Maybe we just have to cease all kinds of expectations from everyone and just live. Then I hear that aunty in the corner saying “Maar elke pot het ‘n deksel” (Every pot has a lid). I’m sorry, maybe, just maybe, some of us are pans or baking sheets and trays.
I’ve officially given up. Hope is a bitch that will never let me find peace and contentment. I just want to live in the here and now, without constantly looking over my shoulder, wondering if I just walked by him and didn’t notice. I’m tired. I’m done. Maybe I’ll change my mind in the future, but this is it for now. Let’s just all fuck off to Phuket and get high on magic mushrooms.