Wednesday, 22 July 2009

Super Stalker

Because I'm highly pissed off these days (like PISSED y'know. I'm talking seething-fire-spitting-smoke-exhaling-mammoth-hell-hath-no-fury-like-Azra-scorned proportions here); for reasons that I can't even vent about on this page (I'll share at a later stage when it's been resolved, I promise); I've decided to venture away from my blood-drenched evil thoughts long enough to talk about my stalker issues.

Hello. My name is Azra and I've always been a stalker, for as long as I can remember. For all I know, I could have invented the concept. I'm not even going to lie and say that I'm a closet stalker because I've always been very open about it. I just can’t resist the thrill that a good stalking session gives me and I only stalk people that I really like, I swear. I’ve become so good at it, that I can stalk anyone, anywhere...regardless of certain pesky variable constraints like time and geographical borders.

The really funny part is that I always find what, or should I say who I’m looking for, and I don’t even know how I do it. The only pre-requisite to one of my stalker-episodes is that the subject should be enticing enough for me to want to pursue the dreary ritual of garnering little tidbits of information…it’s like running a comb through sea sand, looking for that one grain that stands out from the rest.

Now I don’t twit or tweet…not for any specific reason other than I find it a tad bit tedious (I find it hard enough to update my Facebook status ok, and have been reduced to posting lyrics from the songs stuck in my head…or whatever my iPod coughs up), but I must say that this application has worked wonders for the stalker industry. And since I still haven’t convinced a few people that I’m completely Twit-less (they reckon that I should get about Tweeting ASAP), I’ve decided to reconsider Twi-volution after my latest stalking spree proved to be both amusing and informative.

So there I was, rummaging through Donnie Wahlberg’s commentary and Jonathan Knight’s updates on twitter when I came across these messages posted by Jonathan:

7:50 AM Jul 19th from UberTwitter: Happy Birthday to the one who started me on this journey... Love you Mom, see you tonight!

Then barely 8 hours later:


4:14 PM Jul 19th from UberTwitter: To the girls that just showed up at my mother’s door..... Not cool! I haven't seen her in 15 months and don't feel you need to intrude!



At this point I was LOL-ing. Rolling about laughing my ass off, because had I been there, I wouldn’t have went immediately, I would have waited for at least a day…stalker mistake number 1.

But the really entertaining bit for me were in these messages:


5:11 AM Jul 18th from UberTwitter: I think you’re a bit early for the show! It doesn't start for another 12 hours. I see you all hiding in the bushes you weirdo's!


5:12 AM Jul 18th from UberTwitter: Stop trying to look normal. All I see is psycho!

5:23 AM Jul 18th from UberTwitter: Oh how I love twitter! They are holding up a sign saying “not weirdos or psychos, just fans”.


The proliferation of twitter coupled with its user-friendly interface has given rise to the phenomenon of what I like to call "celeb-twats"…because every Tom, Dick and Mary, regardless of their stature in the entertainment business seems to be twittering about, tweeting all kinds of intimate details of their lives. They make it so easy don’t they? I still love Jonathan *sigh* :D

7 comments:

  1. No doubt the internet has lubed up stalking.
    Gone are the days when you'd wait outside madressah until the hafez boys came out, and you'd mill around, pretending you were waiting for someone, while you were really just watching a particular individual quite intently.

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  2. So when are you joining Twitter then? :)

    Saaleha - LOL!

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  3. i dont understand this twitter mania :p :s

    but loved ur post :D i cam here after such a long time only to read abt twittering :p

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  4. i thought i had posted something yday but clearly the powers were working against me.

    lol@ post.

    im a super stalker :D

    lol@sals.

    i have joined twitter too, despite a 3 yr resistance.

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  5. :) well, I can also laugh about it now.
    But when you're 13, matters of the heart are to be taken very seriously.

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  6. lol, sals, i completely agree. i grew up quite late - i recall spending wayyy too long in the library at college (the object of my affections was fondly called.... The Book, for uber obvious reasons) and to my annoyance now, i refuse to read my college leaver book because The Book is mentioned a little too often for my liking by a close friend. beat that!

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  7. hahaha Ladies...its funny because it seems like only the girls will fess up to a bout of the "stalkerz"...men are way too sneaky for that :D

    I remember my ULTIMATE stalking spree...an 8 year old me and an 8 year old Him...I used to walk around on weekends looking for him...I kid you not. And I ALWAYS found him SOMEWHERE...either at the shops or the park or walking with his friends LOL...what can I say, I was INLOVE!

    And the bastard felt the same way, but when he was with his friends it was always a different story - you know the nonchalance and the "I don't like you" glances etc.

    But when we were alone, just talking from across the classroom, or standing next to each other (which in those days were a good 3meters apart, unlike the skanks these days)...when we were alone in those moments, thats where the magic lived.

    It lasted for a solid 10 years - us being like that. And even today, when we see each other, its still the same. My breath still catches in my throat and I feel self-aware etc.

    He was my most significant "relationship" even though we never went out, we never dated, we never called each other nada...its just the Chemistry.

    Unfortuantely for me though...thats where it ends. No hope of it ever being more than what it was :P

    PS: Azra on Twitter, in Theatres August 1 :D

    PPS. Sofi - I even know where Wentworth Miller and said Jonathan Knight live...I mean I have their physical addresses and I know the names of their relatives...I even knew where Wentworth stayed when they were shooting the second season of Prison Break in Dallas. I even got to speak to Jonathans sister once too. I'm hardcore like that :D

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