Thursday, 3 September 2009

What Went Wrong?

So I was going to post one of my favourite stories today, but I’m too perturbed to concentrate. I'll be all pure and holy and sanctified on another day, maybe tomorrow. It’s true what they say…that you’ll never forget your first love. I wish it wasn’t but it is. It’s frustrating for me because I don’t love him anymore. And I know he doesn’t love me. But it’s like we just cannot escape each other! It’s like this divine force just keeps pushing us together at the most inconvenient of times. *SIGH*

Almost 18 years, (yes 18 years! my whole bloody life) on and every single year I go for months without even so much as thinking of him. And every single year, at some point when I’m at my most nonchalant, or when I’m at my finest it hits me like a friggin bus. He comes to me, at some point every single year…either in a dream, or accidentally in person, or on Facebook or on email bleh. I’ll accidentally bump into him at the market, or drive by him in the street. It’s like just when I think I’m fine, I see him and it’s not fine anymore. His trepidation indicates that he probably feels the same.

So what’s the big deal, why don’t we give it a shot I hear someone say. Even if by some miracle we had to, it would never work. I’m serious, I mean it, it would NEVER work. For one, he is EVERYTHING I abhor in this society and I’m NOTHING remotely compared to what’s his 'type'. And his parents hate me (yes I met them some time ago)…and well, even in the most ideal of settings, things have happened in a circle of events that just won’t permit the smoothness of a decent relationship. Maybe if I was who I was 15 years ago, and if he wasn’t such an asshole, there’d be that chance.

But I stay bothered and torn, worse even because I can’t understand why. Ugh, I guess there'll always be a part of me that will care about him. I wish he would just move on with his life already…maybe if he got married, it would break this repetitive paralyzing cycle we're in, maybe the spell will be broken. I keep thinking, maybe in another life, maybe if we were different people. And still I can’t escape. It’s like being trapped and there’s no way out. It’s exasperating and draining.

I grow increasingly weary of this perpetual cycle. I wish we could both move on because I can’t do this anymore. And so I’ve decided that at the end of Ramadaan, I will move on. I will get my lists ready and my pro-active search will begin. This madness has to end. I have to take the plunge. Wish me luck people.

Now if only that divine force would heed my request.

15 comments:

  1. You ask what went wrong. From your explanation of the situation, I ask, "What went right?"

    The fact that this guy is obviously under your skin to spite that the situation is impossible needs to be examined a bit more closely before you "break out the lists and move on".

    The world around you is a reflection of your reaction to the world around you.

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  2. Even when he got married, i'd still dream about him once a blue moon. Not cool. Words unsaid did this i think. Hope u manage to break free and move on.

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  3. Its the way of the universe. No getting away from certain things I guess.

    It's EINA thats all I can say

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  4. Azra, it seems like everybody, myself included is in a bad frame of mind today...it's something in the air, I guess...hehehe

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  7. I think of my ex every once in a while... nothing intense about it for me. though the situation has it's own complications

    technically you could describe her as my first love but nah she wasn't at all.

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  8. LL - I think Fathima hit the nail on the head with the "words unsaid". It's not that I want him or even like him, its just everything was left in mid-air...we didn't 'end' things so to speak. So that lack of communication, that lack of closure haunts me.

    Fathima - I think I need to speak it out with him, all these words left unsaid won't get us anywhere. Like I said, its not that I even want him. I think most of the time I just lament "what could have been"...but I know it will never be. I don't miss him, I miss who he could have been. Does that make sense?

    Edge - Closure is all I need :)

    OM - lol, yeah its one of those days. Hope your day is improving :)

    Mash - Of all the guys I've met over the years, he's the one that has stuck in my mind. The first one. And you know, he's such a collossal asshole most of the time...but like I said previously, its not who he is that has me caught up in a daze, its who he could have been, who 'we' could have been together. I think the guy I fell in love with all those years ago and the guy he is today are two totally different people.

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  9. I think it's really hard to have closure over your first 'love'. When things ended with my ex, I was numb. His Dad made him choose me or them, and he chose family.
    The kicker was that about a month later his family sent us an invitation to his wedding. Whatever their intentions were behind that act only Allah knows, and that's when it hit me that I've been saved from marrying into a freako family, and from a guy who couldn't get his priorities right. (I'm not suggesting he wasn't wrong, but the reasoning behind rejecting me was so backward)
    That was almost a decade ago, and while I have met, dated, gotten to know other people, I guess I ahev moved on, but I haven't forgotten him. And strangely, it was him that initiated contact with me, and meeting him by chance at a social function confirmed to me that I had had a lucky escape.
    The most difficult part is to let go of emotions, and until that happens I don't know if it's worth looking for a new relationship...or maybe a new realtionship will make it all go away?
    I still have the bill from our first proper date, my train ticket to see him. I have no idea why i hold onto these things.
    I hope you find peace Azra.
    To new beginnings Inshallah.

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  10. Honestwaffle - InshaAllah Ameen! I can't believe the nerve of them, inviting you to his wedding!!! Don't worry I was once humiliated like that too. I don't get what goes on in their minds.
    As for him, I'm more than ready to put him in the past. I just need to figure out how, or should I say, when. I need to speak to him, thats for sure. I'm very vocal like that, and wont rest until its out in the open.

    You still have the ticket? Burn it, it will make you feel better :P

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  11. A bonfire to say goodbye to the past? Sounds like a plan batman.

    I never really spoke about the way things ended to him, I did write him a very long email, as I wanted to be sure I wouldn't lose my composure when speaking to him. Honestly for such a long time I was so heartbroken over it all, and yet looking back now I can't believe I ever wasted my tears on somebody like that.
    His Dad passed away a few years ago, and I did feel a small tinge of guilt, considering what I had thought about him whilst things were going on with my ex.
    I soon got over it though.
    I haven't seen his family in a while, his sister is married into my family, but I know I don't feel anything towards them anymore. I'm happy. Searching for the one, but nonetheless happy.
    Besides when I see how fat they have gotten it makes me smile!

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  12. I know exactly what u mean when u say u cant escape him - it's almost like my ex just happens to be this part of my life that refuses to stay in the past. We also pretty much just left things "hanging" and sometimes it really irks me that I never said the things IO should've.

    @Honestwaffle it always takes time to see exactly which bullets we dodged. I couldn't understand it then but now I'm grateful that things turned out the way they did. The Almighty knows best :)

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  13. Seems like u have escaped just in time from being hooked up with someone u cant stand fr the rest of ur life.
    Better to run into him occassionally that have all the corny stuff called love letters u'd written to ur ex getting posted in his blog. It has happened to me, along with a analysis of all the things i'd done to ruin his life.

    Stumbled into your land of adventures some time back and since then I have been a fascinated follower. totally engrossing and delightful :)

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  14. honestwaffle - Here's wishing you the best, tha tyou find someone more than worthy of you without having to compromise who you are.

    closetblogger - Weird how theres so many of us. Here's wishing we all can move on to better fish in the sea :)

    mikimbizi - Geez that sounds horrible...that he actually blogged about it! I would have been mortified!! I can't believe some men, typical. Thanks for visiting :)

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  15. yep it makes sense in a skewered way. it's like rationality flies out of the window when you need it the most.

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