Monday, 16 November 2009

Mail Order Bride, Anyone?

I received a very interesting piece of spam mail the other day – well it was in my inbox but it was spam nonetheless – so I thought I’d share. What is it about spam anyway? Like why send me an email about a Codeine and Vicodin sale in Alabama, USA? Surely if I wanted anything, from pills to a plumber, I won't be going all the way to Alabama. I find it hard to believe that anyone goes through their spam mail, reading through an endless stream of absolute shit. It would be like navigating the city’s dingy rat infested sewer line instead of the streets. I’m sure that 99.999% of people don’t even read that crap and the other 0.001% don’t check their email.

Anyways, back to this email. So the title in the subject box was “Confirmation: Your trip to New York” and I was like, huh? I’m going to New York? I don’t recall booking the ticket. Well maybe I did and forgot about it. Let me look in my planner, nope nothing there…and my bank statement…

And then I opened the mail and read on. Here it is, word for word, with my thoughts and comments added, because I’m a drama queen like that:

Dear Ms A

I've shown your picture to all my colleagues and friends and they are just as excited as I am (Wha? Who’s this? Shit don’t tell me it’s one of those people I met and can’t remember. Excited? They are? About what?). Oh my little Knuddel I can't wait (Bwahahahahaha, WTF? I have never, nor will I ever be anyone’s Knuddel). I've decided that, after our wedding, (Wedding? Did I miss something? Ok, so at least I know that I definitely didn’t meet you and forgot about it) there will be no need for a honeymoon (What? I don’t deserve a honeymoon? Who wants to marry a stingy ass like you anyway). I'll rather spend the money on renovating the kitchen, especially for you (Of course you would, why bother with a wife when you can get a real life slave).

I've booked your one-way ticket to New York and will be waiting for you at the airport on the 14th (Thanks, but no thanks. I’d like to think that I’d NEVER be this desperate).

Yours forever,
Gustav




I won’t slate the mail order bride system, because everyone has their views, opinions and preferences. But I will say that the idea of being sold off into slavery, in the 21st century, is definitely NOT for me. I would rather be the third wife of one of those old rich bastards…and even that is reaching. I love and respect myself too much :P

5 comments:

  1. Poor Gustav :D He must be so heartbroken noone showed up on the 14th

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  2. Hahahaha, damn Azra, Gustav sounds like he was totally into you...hell, not every guy offers to renovate a kitchen for unconditional slavery sex!

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  3. How could you let this one get away?! :P

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  4. Waseem - Seeing as how confident he is, I'm sure he'll find someone else to pitch up on the 14th of the next month :P

    Meatbag - Imagine that, a new kitchen for your genitals. How lovely hahahaha!

    Arslan - He won't miss me :D

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  5. lol...it reminds me of those spammers saaleha spammed in returned.

    hope gustav handles rejection well....lol...

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