Wednesday, 20 January 2010

To Infidelity And Beyond

I was reading Hamish’s post on Cheaters and found it quite amusing. About 3 decades ago, cheating was largely reserved for men and regarded as a rite of passage to some…the old clich├ęd wife at home with the kids while the husband is out of town on ‘business’, with his trophy mistress. I find that these days, infidelity does not discriminate and both males and females have taken this country’s policy of equal opportunities to a whole new adulterous level. It has even surpassed the likes of Louis Vuitton and Prada to become this decade’s fashion ‘must’. It’s quite sickening really, to watch moral decay in real-time. I know at least 50 people in a 2km radius that have cheated on their significant others at some point in time. It’s sad that people don’t have any values anymore.

This is the part where I blame both men and women. I find that contemporary male cheaters tend to replace their wives with ex-porn stars or one of their daughter’s teenage friends. But it gets worse folks, because as we move into the 21st century, men have suddenly acquired a certain shallow and unrealistic penchant for all things supermodel. So the wife HAS to be an Alessandra Ambrosio or an Aishwarya Rai that cooks, any thing less is unacceptable. Sorry for all the Ellen Page’s and Vidya Balan’s of this world. And of course, anything that’s aesthetically pleasing to the eye always comes with a price and a very high price too. Money attracts beauty and beauty attracts money, it’s a symbiotic relationship giving birth to acquired status devoid of any real emotion.

Eventually the Alessandra gets bored because she only really married him for the money, is uneducated and can’t relate to his friends. Add to that her lack of basic skills, other than pouting for the cameras and shopping, and before you know it she develops a very keen interest in the garden gnome that comes around once a week or one of the husband’s friends who always compliments her on her ability to find the best caterers for their little soirees. Less extreme cases always involve an abusive husband of some kind. He’s either physically, verbally or emotionally abusive, inattentive or emotionally unavailable and she’s too willing to run into the arms of another trying to fill adolescent voids with Mills and Boons’ fantasies because her father never loved her.

For me, the most amusing cases are the quiet ones. She’s the girl in the headscarf at Varsity that refuses to sit near the boys during classes while she gossips and looks down upon other non-hijaabi-fied girls with two of her closest friends. Come full moon and she pulls a Vanessa Hudgens by smsing stark naked pictures of her merchandise to one of those boys accompanied with pornographic text (true story). He’s the guy that sits in the corner texting furiously on Mxit. He hangs out with a raucous group of guys and hides behind them when they chat to girls because he’s shy and slightly insecure. He’s the Lance Bass of the group and hardly gets any attention from anyone, let alone females. Most people think that the loud and obnoxious one who enjoys whistling at passing women and humping trees is the man-whore of the group, but they’re often wrong. It’s always the quiet, unassuming ones – the devil in sheep’s clothing. Then one day this non-gay Lance gets married, Dr. Jekyll becomes Mr. Hyde and his new status gives him ‘dom krag’ – a false sense of confidence – and it’s not long before he’s chatting to anything with a Vajayjay and inviting them out on long non-scenic drives.

The worst of the male and female lot has to be those spouses that have it ALL and still cheat. They’ve got nothing to complain about, no plausible excuses. Their partners are close to perfect but they soon tire of the monotony of serenity because they are drama whores with more than just a flair for theatrics. They’re like crack addicts and get their adrenal fixes from their fear of getting caught. It’s all a big poker game until they raise the stakes, come up short and have to face the ramifications of gambling with their families lives. And sadly as everyone knows, the House always wins and they eventually walk away with nothing. A few of the lucky ones will get a second chance attached to distrust and trepidation, but it’s never the same again.

What I found particularly intriguing in Hamish’s post was his preferred course of action – the ‘What Would Hamish Do’ (WWHD) – if he caught his future wife cheating on him, documented impeccably, mostly in legal terms. In terms of legality, and if I were in Hamish’s place or any other male for that matter, this is what I’d do (inspired by a true story).

The first thing I’d do is tap all the telephones she uses and record every conversation…it’s relatively easy and inexpensive. Thereafter, I’d sell most of my assets, which include any businesses and property and pay off any large debts incurred over time. The ownership of any asset I choose to keep, including my house and car, will be transferred onto a relatives name…parents or siblings. Then I’d officially declare bankruptcy, so that she’s more than welcome to have half of nothing. I’d eventually find a sleazy phone sex conversation (or something similar) recorded from the tapped line and make several copies of it, as well as transcripts. I’d then send a copy to court, and another to the Muslim Judicial Council for review so that any false claims she may be tempted to cite will be dismissed under the weight of the evidence. For added kicks, I’d find a radio station willing to air the conversation – preferably the most popular Islamic radio station in the country. Any and all children from the marriage will be sent for paternity tests.

From a female perspective, if my husband ever DARED to cheat on me I’d employ similar tactics, as well as other not-so-lawful activities. But I’ve mentioned that before ;)

14 comments:

  1. Spineless cretins. death to liars and cheats.

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  2. Regardless of whether or not I would be faithful, I'd hate to be your wife :)

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  3. Hear, hear death to cheaters
    And Humaira i'd love to be Azra's hubby .. at least you'd know what to expect

    On another note, who decided that Vidya Balan is not gorgeous? Way nicer than Alessandra!

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  4. I would hate to Azra's wife too. Especially since I'm a guy. That would be sad.

    Ashwariya is not the benchmark. Eurgh. People who rate should be shot too. She's uber reptilian.

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  5. Love the post! In theory I agree to everything said. In practice for me, it's never going to work. I would have had him tortured way before that. I'd even play the grieving widow really well :)

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  6. looooooolll @ man whore and humping trees! yet again thanks for my morning laugh Azra :-P

    Ash rai is hugleh man- she looks like a cross between a cat and alien! Vidya on the other hand- beautiful and classy.

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  7. hamish - & nothing less.

    humaira - I'm alot of things, but lesbian isn't one of 'em ;D
    The reality is, I operate on two extremes. When I'm nice I'm supernice, give me coal and I'll give you a diamond...but f@#$ with me, and I'll put the devil to shame :P

    UJ - You're right about that, people always know where they stand with me. I hate hypocrites and two faced bitches :D
    PLUS - According to Machiavelli, one of the rules of war is to always tell the truth because people won't believe you anyway ;)

    OH - Aishwarya is just a symbol of the 'type' men go for. The skinny white bitches :D

    Fatima - Do you expect anything less? :)

    shameema - I find that timing is everything. It has this wonderful ability to magnify the situation and make it seem so much worse ;)

    Zahera - It's true :) Most of the loud rude ones are all about talk and no action. But the quiet ones are the dangerous ones.
    Again, Aish is just a symbol of the type men go for :P

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  8. PS. Does anyone know how I send a virus to the email of the F@#$er who had the audacity to advertise his sleazy sh1t on my blog?

    I'm serious.

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  9. The gobshites? lol yeh i know what youre on about. And yes i also know Ash is just a representative of mens extremely bad taste :-P

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  10. Never found Ash remotely good looking.

    And if you cheat make sure it's a step up from what you already have otherwise whats the point?

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  11. Zahera - I blame the media for conditioning people to have these unrealistic expectations.

    Edge - I think the whole point is NOT to cheat :P If people are not happy in their relationships, they should call it quits and move on - Not harbour resentment and hurt those around them.

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  12. it is proven that men lie more and women cheat more! AFFARIER SEX! is the new New Black

    and vidya is really classy - although i hate her when she goes too revealing on the movie sets - in almost all movies!

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  13. very nice blog .. I liked the theme too! never thought they were going to write about it:) thanks

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