Tuesday, 2 March 2010

Confidence Is Sexiness

I was initially going to make this about some of the men I’ve met in my life, but I’m going to include the women too because they’re no different. I meet too many people who lack confidence, in fact I will even go so far as to say that most (note I said most NOT all) of the people I meet are either insecure, arrogant or indifferent.

Insecurity is insecurity, no matter how we try to spin it and the message it sends out is that you’re weak, defenseless, vulnerable, needy, probably clingy and broken. She put it beautifully (there's a reason she's part of my department of social welfare). No one wants someone who’s broken. You don’t walk into a shop and pay full price for half a table, or a broken kettle. So why would you want to commit to a lifetime with someone who’s only giving you half of who they are, when rent and overall maintenance costs remain the same? Sounds like a raw deal to me.

Arrogance on the other hand, is situated on the opposite side of the spectrum and contrary to popular belief, is not the preferred alternative because all arrogance really is = insecurity + resentment + anger. So it’s equivalent to insecurity, or maybe even worse. What arrogance tells the world is that you have issues, huge mofo-chip-on-both-shoulders-issues. And no one wants to be around someone who has a false sense of superiority, who’s overbearing or angry and emo all the time. It becomes emotionally exhausting and mentally draining and literally sucks the life out of a room.

Indifference is just a branch on the insecure family tree. Indifference is to insecurity like lemons are to limes. It says that you don’t care enough about yourself to make an effort. And no one wants someone who doesn’t care enough about themselves to make an effort, because if they can’t muster enough enthusiasm in their own lives, how are they going to make an effort to sustain the relationship?

The key here is balance. If one looks at the centre of this spectrum, between insecurity and arrogance lies confidence. Gym membership: R3000 per annum. Gear from Gap & LL Bean: R1000 per month. Hair cut from Vidal: R250. Confidence: PRICELESS! There really are some things that money can’t buy.

People think that they need to be physically attractive to be sexy. NOT true. I’ve met guys that have absolutely NOTHING going for them in the looks department, but their confidence and energy makes them OOZE sexual appeal and the girls just fall all over them. Sexiness is NOT how you LOOK, but how you FEEL about yourself. With the right amount of confidence, you could dress like a fucking hobo and still be desirable. That kind of energy just carries itself through to others and when you’re intrinsically confident, people want to be around you all the time.

Don’t know how many of you watch “Man” on SABC3 Friday nights? I’ve only seen 10 minutes of one episode and it was clear that from all the straight guys there, the ones lacking self-esteem and confidence have the most trouble meeting women. Kudo’s to that black dude who just walks up to all the blonde-skinny-white-Barbie-chicks, chats them up and either leaves with them or gets their numbers. His self-assurance is really what attracts them.

But what is confidence? In my view, it’s a certain sense of self… you know who you are, you’re comfortable in your own skin, hell you may even like who you are and even if you wish you had smaller ears, it doesn’t change your perception of yourself. Some people get so hung up on stupid things like “I hate my nose” and it eclipses everything that’s good about them. If you’re confident enough, you could have a nose like Pinocchio and no one would notice because there’s a certain radiance that permeates through the souls of confident people. And when you have that kind of self-assurance, you’ll find that people are so mesmerized by the light that they don’t even see the imperfections.

So here’s my thought for today… if you want to be admired for who you are… if you want to be beautiful… if you want to be sexy… if you want to be desirable… if you want to be wanted; then stop wallowing in self-pity, stop second guessing yourself, stop degrading yourself, stop thinking you’re worth-less. Love and Respect yourself (this is gospel people, and I might sound like a broken record but let it sink in). Stop running and hiding from yourself like a coward or a thief in the night and have the courage to embrace who you are (warts and all) instead. You owe that much to yourself.
Stop. Thinking. Shit. It starts with your thoughts and perceptions. Stand up and start seeing what you’re worth. See the beauty and the light, become the fucking light (I sound like Iyanla on Oprah, it’s so corny and tacky that I’m about to puke rainbows). But that is the TRUTH right there!

So many broken lonely people everywhere (and I don’t exclude myself) it’s actually pathetic and very unnecessary. And NOBODY is perfect, so it's senseless to be expecting perfection from yourself and everyone else. Now, let us all grow some balls and deal with it.


  1. there is a most glorious TED Talk on the complexity of Happiness that you might find indulging to watch.

    The thing that's not stressed nearly enough is that it doesn't matter; 60 years isn't nearly enough time to waste. Get up, touch, feel, live, love, be, explore, want, taste, run, be. Fill up your head and heart with as many filling experiences, and get over and forgive and forget the ones that don't matter (not the people, just your ownership of allowing it to affect you).

    That doesn't really apply to this post, I just wanted to say it.

    What might apply, slightly, is that we blame a lot of strutting as needing to react to people / the environment / the slightly phallic shape of tall buildings. You can choose how to respond to anything. the ability of response should be a responsibility.

    and now, lunch :)

  2. I agree 100% with Azra. Confidence is so sexy on a guy, and girl for that matter.
    But its not something that we are trained to have as children…so we need to find it ourselves!!

  3. @M Irfaan, you get my other 100% agreement quota for today.

  4. great post. i needed to hear that today. Feeling a bit sorry for myself today for no reason! :P

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  6. "No one wants someone who’s broken. You don’t walk into a shop and pay full price for half a table, or a broken kettle. So why would you want to commit to a lifetime with someone who’s only giving you half of who they are, when rent and overall maintenance costs remain the same? Sounds like a raw deal to me."

    poor choice of words. Human beings aren't objects you buy or invest in. you may meet the perfect guy or girl and they may be a little broken and you accept it because nobody is perfect and because you see potential in them.

    In regards to confidence I agree with what you're saying. Confidence beat looks and money and all that shit, hands down

    But it's all been said before, what you fail to mention is that for people who lack self-esteem or self-worth or self-anything. It's a big vicious circle that they're trapped in and can't get out of.
    nd tellin them 'you should believe in yourself' isn't really going to help anyone.

    I speak from experience I used be like that maybe 10 years ago lacking self-confidence etc etc and now.. in some ways I'm completely different and in other ways I haven't made as much progress but the insecurity still rears its head here n there but I've learned not to pay attention to it.

    You and I see that the way you feel about yourself is a choice, bur for someone in that position.. they look around and wonder.. why can't I be different.

    Your post is the equivalent of telling someone with depression... the solution is just don't be sad! like it's that easy. It's far more complex.

  7. Actually telling someone to "believe in youself" and to "love and respect yourself" are fundamental to getting the individual out of the trap. It is sometimes only by identifying what we are or what we have that we can break it down and analyse it. Sometimes we are too pansified and too cautious with people (and i say this from a psychological background) when really all SOME people need is a bloody kick up their backside.

    The key is to identify those people who are just wallowing away in self pity to those who are suffering from serious self esteem issues which may have been the knock on effect from various problems in their life.

    Fact of the matter is, too many people let others walk all over them these days, too many people care about social acceptance and conforming to what is desiable/liked as opposed to saying how they really feel or what they think. And when it comes to the arena of relationships it is mindboggling the number of people who have unresolved issues and who are "broken." I dont think we mean someone who is immune to having made mistakes when we talk about being broken or someone who didnt get hurt but i sure as hell didnt want a guy who needed fixing. What the hell is a guy like that gona do for me? If i can deal with my hurt and issues like a matue adult then i expect the same from him.. but then maybe this all boils down to the kind of relationship one is seeking. I looked for one where we inspire each other, strengthen and achieve together.

    It is confidence.. its confidence in knowing that you are capable of making mistakes but more importantly that you can learn from then and become wiser! That you can be firm in your beliefs and views without being a dick about them. That you can respect yourself enough to realise your own worth and that only when you learn to love yourself for who you truly are that people will respect you alot more because youre not always so hung about about your own shotcomings.

  8. What about the ability to fake it. Fake the confidence.
    I've done this plenty of times when i've felt sh*t scared or nervous.

    Embracing who we are is one of life's long lessons.
    Great post for a good read and advice

  9. Irfaan - You're gonna be my babies Godfather. I want to hear nothing more on the matter. lol. This is gospel right here.
    I had read a quote you tweeted from TED the other day and couldn't believe it because I've been saying that for years: "Money can't make you happy but the lack thereof will definitely make you miserable" (well thats my version anyway & I didn't want to tell you coz just now you think I'm full of it :D)

    T - He can be your kids' Godfather too.

    nk - I hope you're feeling better ;)

    Mash - Relationships are like business transactions, it's a give and take all the way and when you're the one doing all the giving, you'll eventually feel like you're coming up short. So yes, in that sense people are objects.

    Bottom line, there comes a point in every persons life when we have to step back and evaluate the situation carefully. Because there is only so much TALKING we can do...most people spend the majority of their lives just TALKING - (the "I wish's" and "I wants") - when are they going to actually get up off their asses and DO something / ANYTHING about it?

    Like Irfaan said, 60 years isn't nearly enough time to waste. So if you spend 30 years of your life wallowing and TALKING and not DOING anything about it, not dealing with the situation - thats half your life gone right there.
    And in a sense, self-pity and insecurity is very narcissistic because its all about "me, me, me, me" and the person get's sucked into the vortex of their own existence, not conscious that there is an entire world out there and most of them have problems that we can't even fathom.

    Zahera - I'm with you 110%. Alot of people don't need babying, they need a foot up the arse and to be told to wake up.
    And people are all too ready to please others, often at their own expense. I see this EVERYWHERE. People are so afraid of being disliked or ostracised from the crowd that instead of standing up for what they believe in they would rather cower away, because they don't want to risk rejection or marginalisation.
    And you're 100% on the marker - "broken" meaning unresolved issues... not shortcomings. Issues are like germs, they follow you everywhere. So if there's baggage, it will definitely influence your relationship and most likely in a negative way.

    fathima - indeedy, it's all about embracing who you are. I always say, don't wait to learn the lessons, because life has a way of letting you choose to learn the easy way or the hard way... most people choose the hard way and end up with wasted time and a million regrets :P

  10. Think we need to clarify my meaning of “broken”. I meant it, as Azra and Zaheera understand it… “"broken" meaning unresolved issues... not shortcomings.”

    @Mash - “what you fail to mention is that for people who lack self-esteem or self-worth or self-anything. It's a big vicious circle that they're trapped in and can't get out of.
    nd tellin them 'you should believe in yourself' isn't really going to help anyone” – You are 100% right…you know why? Because this is something that you either get or you don’t. Often those who suffer from the issues don’t get the concept of ‘changing your stars’ (if you don’t know what does that mean…watch a knight’s tale). And only when you’ve changed it, can you understand the state it was in before that.

    I don’t see confidence as something that you either have or you don’t.

    Let me explain: I don’t see it as something solid like a stone. I see myself (and people in general) as a glass and confidence as milk that gets poured into it. Sometimes the glass gets tipped over and the milk gets spilled, sometimes it over flows, sometimes by moving it, milk falls out. It is something that we have to constantly work towards. We are not born with our glasses filled. And the “broken” ones are the ones that’s milk is all spilled and the glass is broken as well. Can you drink from a broken glass is what you should ask yourself, without hurting yourself in the process. Some people can do it. I for one can’t. The “fixed” people are those whose milk has spilled and they go about filling their glasses silently and not announcing to the world, “hi, my milk has spilled” and crying about something that they had no control over and that happened like 10 years ago.

    @Azra, I would agree to multiply his DNA. LMAO – Please note that the point is the outcome and not the act!!!

  11. Full appreciation for the way in which you whole-heartedly share your awareness... I think it's important to send out these positive affirmations; because we all need them at various times and they tend to boomerang around us if we've gifted them to others in need.

    On another note, we tend to attract people who are alot like ourselves, and we tend to dislike the aspects in them we may very well dislike in ourselves... something to think about; its important to be aware of the flaws and potential in yourself, know what you are willing to put up with and what you're not.

    If you believe that another person should arrive in your life to magically 'complete' you, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment. If you are willing to partner with someone who honours the same path of walking the uphill of growth a day at a time with you, grand things might await you... who knows? :)

    Enjoyed this, Ms A. Love n light, S

  12. Shafinaaz - we definitely attract people who are like us because we're constantly projecting our expectations onto people until they tick off all our requirements on our lists. And yes, we do hate in others what we secretly hate in ourselves ;)

    Like T said - you have to fill your kitchen before you invite people over for supper. Those empty voids don't disappear when there is someone on the scene, they just go on holiday and come back refreshed :P