I was initially going to make this about some of the men I’ve met in my life, but I’m going to include the women too because they’re no different. I meet too many people who lack confidence, in fact I will even go so far as to say that most (note I said most NOT all) of the people I meet are either insecure, arrogant or indifferent.
Insecurity is insecurity, no matter how we try to spin it and the message it sends out is that you’re weak, defenseless, vulnerable, needy, probably clingy and broken. She put it beautifully (there's a reason she's part of my department of social welfare). No one wants someone who’s broken. You don’t walk into a shop and pay full price for half a table, or a broken kettle. So why would you want to commit to a lifetime with someone who’s only giving you half of who they are, when rent and overall maintenance costs remain the same? Sounds like a raw deal to me.
Arrogance on the other hand, is situated on the opposite side of the spectrum and contrary to popular belief, is not the preferred alternative because all arrogance really is = insecurity + resentment + anger. So it’s equivalent to insecurity, or maybe even worse. What arrogance tells the world is that you have issues, huge mofo-chip-on-both-shoulders-issues. And no one wants to be around someone who has a false sense of superiority, who’s overbearing or angry and emo all the time. It becomes emotionally exhausting and mentally draining and literally sucks the life out of a room.
Indifference is just a branch on the insecure family tree. Indifference is to insecurity like lemons are to limes. It says that you don’t care enough about yourself to make an effort. And no one wants someone who doesn’t care enough about themselves to make an effort, because if they can’t muster enough enthusiasm in their own lives, how are they going to make an effort to sustain the relationship?
The key here is balance. If one looks at the centre of this spectrum, between insecurity and arrogance lies confidence. Gym membership: R3000 per annum. Gear from Gap & LL Bean: R1000 per month. Hair cut from Vidal: R250. Confidence: PRICELESS! There really are some things that money can’t buy.
People think that they need to be physically attractive to be sexy. NOT true. I’ve met guys that have absolutely NOTHING going for them in the looks department, but their confidence and energy makes them OOZE sexual appeal and the girls just fall all over them. Sexiness is NOT how you LOOK, but how you FEEL about yourself. With the right amount of confidence, you could dress like a fucking hobo and still be desirable. That kind of energy just carries itself through to others and when you’re intrinsically confident, people want to be around you all the time.
Don’t know how many of you watch “Man” on SABC3 Friday nights? I’ve only seen 10 minutes of one episode and it was clear that from all the straight guys there, the ones lacking self-esteem and confidence have the most trouble meeting women. Kudo’s to that black dude who just walks up to all the blonde-skinny-white-Barbie-chicks, chats them up and either leaves with them or gets their numbers. His self-assurance is really what attracts them.
But what is confidence? In my view, it’s a certain sense of self… you know who you are, you’re comfortable in your own skin, hell you may even like who you are and even if you wish you had smaller ears, it doesn’t change your perception of yourself. Some people get so hung up on stupid things like “I hate my nose” and it eclipses everything that’s good about them. If you’re confident enough, you could have a nose like Pinocchio and no one would notice because there’s a certain radiance that permeates through the souls of confident people. And when you have that kind of self-assurance, you’ll find that people are so mesmerized by the light that they don’t even see the imperfections.
So here’s my thought for today… if you want to be admired for who you are… if you want to be beautiful… if you want to be sexy… if you want to be desirable… if you want to be wanted; then stop wallowing in self-pity, stop second guessing yourself, stop degrading yourself, stop thinking you’re worth-less. Love and Respect yourself (this is gospel people, and I might sound like a broken record but let it sink in). Stop running and hiding from yourself like a coward or a thief in the night and have the courage to embrace who you are (warts and all) instead. You owe that much to yourself.
Stop. Thinking. Shit. It starts with your thoughts and perceptions. Stand up and start seeing what you’re worth. See the beauty and the light, become the fucking light (I sound like Iyanla on Oprah, it’s so corny and tacky that I’m about to puke rainbows). But that is the TRUTH right there!
So many broken lonely people everywhere (and I don’t exclude myself) it’s actually pathetic and very unnecessary. And NOBODY is perfect, so it's senseless to be expecting perfection from yourself and everyone else. Now, let us all grow some balls and deal with it.