... apparently… or so they say. When we were in Cape Town this past December, my sisters and I had a very interesting conversation with one of our uncles (I’ve explained the nature of our relationship before, he’s not really my uncle but they’re like family). Now if you don’t know this man, you’ll think that he’s two olives short of a Martini, or in other words, a fucking nutter. Eccentric, very straightforward and blunt to a fault, my uncle is one HELL-of-a-character. There is NO ONE like him on this earth.
Firstly, he’s in his mid 40’s but for some reason, he thinks we’re buddies… that I’m one of the guys. So whenever we go out (& it doesn’t matter whether it’s in a restaurant or at the market) and he sees an attractive girl, he’ll nudge me with his elbow saying “Kyk dié goose, look! look! *nudging & pointing* Sy’s mooi né?” (look at her, she's pretty). I’m always giggling and saying, “yes she is, but I don’t look at girls!”.
On one of the days we went traipsing around the Cape in his Chrysler with the V8 engine, revving and setting off all the car alarms as we drove by, Mother wanted to buy some fresh fish so he pulled off the road and parked on the pavement (facing a wall). While Mother and aunt went a-haggling (the Chrysler has a HUGE interior so Mother, my sis and myself were seated at the back, while little sis sat in the middle of aunt and uncle up front) we were engaging in some light conversation.
I can’t recall exactly what we were talking about, but before we knew it, there was this guy who unzipped his pants and started peeing on the wall. So my uncle hooted and told him to have some manners and that there were ladies in the vicinity. This guy dismissed him and said that he’s not bothered that there are women around and that “it means nothing” to him. My uncle then said (more monologuing to himself) “Kyk-die vark met sy klein piel” (look at this pig with his small dick), and my sisters and I were off, sniggering as usual.
After that, conversation just seemed to flow. Actually, it was more of a monologue because my uncle spoke while my sister and I were trying to pick ourselves up from the floor of the car, after having fallen over each other in the back seat, clutching our stomachs from laughing so much, wiping away the tears rolling down our faces (this is a common occurrence when you spend time with this man). I was convinced that I was going to die laughing that day. Poor little sis up front had moved from the middle seat to the passenger seat on the side, sliding down in her seat (while waiting for aunt and Mother to return), blushing something crimson, grinning and shaking her head, while the two of us at the back were trying to regain our composure. Strangers would have thought that we were both having epileptic seizures at the same time.
Absolutely dead serious, my uncle gave us a detailed account of how he observes other men when he uses public restrooms, out of sheer curiosity, and then compares the sizes of their winky’s, often confronting them. Their conversations usually go something like this:
Uncle: (asking the one falling short, in his Capetonian accent, frown & genuine curiosity plastered on his face) “Hey, why’s it so small?”Guy: (in another Capetonian accent) “FUCK YOU!”
Uncle: “But why’s it so small?”
Guy: “Jou ma se p@#$!!” (your mother’s vagina in crude Afrikaans)
I can never forget that frown and curiosity on his face as he narrated the story, very matter-of-fact and even now, as I recall it, I still laugh like I did when we were there. My uncle then went on to say that he finds it very unfair that women don’t get to see their future husband’s genitalia before they get married, because they never really know what they’re getting out of the deal. He said he can’t imagine that a woman has to invest so much of her time and emotion in a guy just so that he can disappoint her on her wedding night.
He carried on monologue-ing: “Imagine, it’s the wedding night and everyone is gone home and she’s so excited and gets all dressed up sexy waiting to meet Mr. Anaconda, then out comes die klien wurmpie (a small worm) huh? And she must be thinking ‘what the fuck am I going to do with that?’. What kak is that? Tsek”(what shit is that? fuck off).
My uncle then went on to explain that when his 18 year old daughter wants to get married, he’s going to insist that the guy drop his pants so he and my aunt can evaluate the package (this is where my parents get all their ideas from). Then he’s going to tell his daughter “Right Aashieka, tell me, what do you want? Small, Medium or Large?”.
I can tell you this much, I only ever see them once a year, sometimes once in two years. And every single time he doesn’t disappoint because his eccentricities and brand of crude humour never ceases to amaze me.