Tuesday, 4 May 2010

Venus & Mars

This is for the ladies… the men too, but more for the ladies.

The absolute truth is that men and women are different. In other words, they are NOT the same. They do not think the way we do, they do not feel the way we do, our needs and requirements are different, and most important of all… they do not process emotions the way we do. If I had GB£1 for every time I came across a woman who has complained about her husband or significant other in terms of the nature of their relationship, I’d be sleeping in Buckingham Palace, that’s for sure.

The biggest mistake most women make is assuming that what is important for us, is equally important to men and the most common example would be with regard to emotions. Women, we are emotional creatures. It’s the one genotype that’s a given within the female species and it’s what makes us the nurturers of the eco-system. This characteristic extends to all facets of a female’s life including relationships, where women express their love for their partners through their emotions.

Now men are different. Men are rarely emotional and more pragmatic and naturally detached. By nature, they’re the hunters, they don’t have time to sit and cower in corners crying their eyes out (well most of them anyway there is an exception, especially with men who love to whine and are act like bitches women). So (real) men are therefore more visual and physical in nature and like women, these characteristics extend to the way they express themselves and their love for their partners too.

So at the core, most men and women “love” each other differently… but this does not mean that it’s not real love. If he gives her apples and she gives him pears... it’s all fruit darling.

To most women, “loving” a man means talking about it… but the problem is that “talking” is not in the genetic makeup of some men. To most men, “loving” a woman means pleasing her physically… but the problem is that if she is not emotionally satisfied, nothing else will do.

The way I see it, the trick is to decipher how your partner chooses to express his / her “love” and accept them the way they are.

Men should accept that if they’re not kind and engaging, women are going to have headaches. Constant headaches. Every day. Huge mofo migraines the size of Texas, for the rest of your lives together.

And it’s very important for women to accept that most men won’t want to explore their emotions in iambic pentameter… not because they don’t want to but because they can’t. They’re not wired that way.

The biggest issues between couples arise when they don’t accept each other for who they are, have unrealistic expectations, or loose respect for one another. I’ve seen too many women who knew EXACTLY who their partners were before they got married, married them anyway, and then spent every single day from then on complaining about it.

So I may be wrong here, but I think that sometimes acceptance goes a long way. Let your man be who he is (unless your marriage is suffering because of who he is, for example, he’s a drug addict and you didn’t know). Let him express his emotions and love for you the way he knows how, and try to accept and appreciate it for what it is without trying to change him and wanting him to become who you want him to be… just so that 20 years down the line, after all the changes you’ve made, you can complain that he’s not the man you married ;)


  1. And women remember everything forever and that it's sometimes ok to be economical with the truth right? ;)

  2. Though one can always find exceptions, men usually show their love and devotion through being bread winners (hunters).

    Let me offer an example from my life:

    The woman points a shrewish finger at him and says, "You never loved me!"

    The man responds, "I pay all the bills, you live in a fine home, wear fine clothes, servants assist you in cleaning, cooking and groom the grounds. You have a car, I take you on nice vacations to places YOU want to go, buy you jewelry and dole out money to your shiftless relatives when they fall on hard times."

    The woman's voice raises by an octave, now shrill, "That's what I mean, you didn't love me!"

    The man shakes his head, divorces the old woman and hooks up with a younger woman, who seems to be content with the sports car, the condo on the beach and a credit card.

    The guy did what he could to show his love and the woman never recognized it. (Kipling's poem THE VAMPIRE sums it up...)

  3. Edge - LOL. I'd want to know everything. But some women can't handle the truth, and thats the truth :P

    LL - That's exactly what I've been trying to say right there :D

  4. I hope it's okay if I come-a-seeking advice.

    I'm good friends with a guy who's very reserved. "Difficult to crack" in his words. Despite the breadth and depth of our conversations, he's mum on his life and happenings. I mean mum. Doesn't say anything, doesn't volunteer zilch. I consider myself to be reserved, but I still go out of my way to share tidbits of my day with him. I don't pry, but I do ask questions when the occasion arises. There's no feedback, if you get what I mean. Our friendship feels very one sided, but on several occasions he's expressed how important our friendship is to him.

    I've known him for three years, btw... What do I do?

  5. chocoholiclily - It's ok that you've come seeking advice :)

    Personally, I don't like / don't trust people who can't be open and honest with me because I'm always thinking to myself "what are you hiding?"... but this is not me...

    From what you've told me, this guy is either a naturally closed book meaning he's like that with everyone including his close friends - or he's just very guarded with you.

    If he is guarded with you it could be for a variety of reasons. Maybe he's treading trepidatiously and it's difficult for him to trust a woman he's interested in... Maybe he with-holds out of fear (maybe he's afraid of rejection and isn't willing to take the risk of opening up to you yet)... or Maybe he's just an ass who lives a double life.

    If this has been going on for three years, and if you're so important to him, I wonder whats holding him back?

    Are you guys on the same page with regard to your "friendship" i.e. that you both have the same and equal amount of regard for each other?

    You have to sit back and think about this carefully, because if he's this way with everyone, than it's just his nature to be reserved and quiet... but if he's only this way with you... you may (MAY) have a problem especially if he hasn't made his intentions known.

    What do your instincts tell you?

    I've been in a similar position before, and it didnt pan out well, so heres wishing luck to you and hoping it works out for the best :)

  6. As a former sociolinguist I feel it's my duty to share one more book with you, dear Azra. Well, at least today. It's Deborah Cameron's The Myth of Mars and Venus: Do men and women really speak different languages?

  7. RCB - I'll look into it :)