Last year sometime, I was chatting to one of my aunts about her niece, Nazley, who was (at that time) seeing a guy that the entire family wasn’t particularly fond of. But it was something they’d become accustomed to because Nazley had a history of attracting the worst amongst men, the majority being complete assholes who were only interested in what they could get from her.
At that time it was a bit of a conundrum because Nazley was this beautiful, intelligent, educated, successful woman who just couldn’t seem to find a decent man to settle down with. Then Nazley met the asshole and suddenly they were talking about getting married. He was unemployed but insisted that he didn’t want to wait to get a job before they got married and even suggested that she take over all the financial obligations until he got a job. Her desperation made her acquiesce to this request but it soon became apparent that it was never his intention to get a job after it was revealed that he had actually turned down a few offers that came his way. Thankfully, a few weeks later Nazley saw the light and called it off.
Around that time my aunt asked me my thoughts on why Nazley always picked the wrong guys and why she wasn’t married yet, and my first response to the complex situation was that she was too desperate, too available… which was true because for as long as I’ve known her (since birth) her main aim and objective in life was to get married.
But being too willing or “desperate” wasn’t Nazley’s only problem and I found that for some reason, she never ever believed in herself and had no sense of self-worth. The direct result was that she was always settling for third or fourth or fifth best because she never ever felt like she deserved better. And every piece-of-shit-walking-on-two-legs who showed some interest in her got her affection because she was just too “grateful” that they were interested at all. The irony was that most of the guys she chose paled in comparison to her.
My aunt then asked me with a smirk, “What about you? Why aren’t you married? Don’t you believe in yourself?”. I told her back then that the problem with me was that I believed in myself too damn much. I said “maybe I should stop believing in myself so much and then I’ll get married”. We laughed for the rest of the day.
A few days ago I came across this theme once more whilst reading and commenting on Humayda’s blog. I know I’ve addressed issues surrounding low-self esteem before. The thing with confidence is that it has nothing to do with other people, it’s all about you… its your opinion and perception of yourself being the only one that counts. And that’s where confidence differs from arrogance. See, arrogance is all about other people... it's a façade intent on influencing their perceptions/ views/ opinions about you.
I’ve had people tell me in the past “You think you’re so wonderful” and I’d reply “No, YOU think that I’M wonderful, so you think that I think that I’m wonderful and then you resent me for it”.
My views and opinions and perceptions of who I am are not dictated by others and has nothing to do with anyone. Like I've said before, I'm not looking for acclaim or validation or approval. When it comes to confidence and knowing thyself… knowing your strengths and limitations… I find that many people are either confused or they’re more inclined to believe the negative. Then there are those insecure pricks with low self-esteem that feel threatened and intimidated by the more confident ones so they tend to pick on or slag those individuals in an attempt to shatter that confidence… because making someone else feel bad is the only way that they can feel good about themselves.
When I was younger, my Mother always told me to "reach for the stars, who knows you may just land on the moon"... and a dreamer was born. I always had the most elaborate dreams and fantasies about my life and always found myself at odds with my reality. I was delusional like that. But growing up and looking back, I find that most of those dreams and aspirations have been realised... so I guess dreaming big actually helped me and it built my confidence.
Sometimes I think that maybe I do think too damn much of myself. I'm like the Mule that’s convinced it's an Arabian Stallion. Worse even, I'm convinced that I deserve nothing less than the Arabian Stallion lifestyle and will settle for nothing less. And I’m aware that to some I come across as rude and arrogant. But firstly I value myself too much to actually care what others think (my sense of self and my self-worth is all about me and has nothing to do with others remember?) and secondly I know ME and I know that’s not who I am and their perceptions of me shouldn't influence MY perception of me.
I always see myself as both the Queen and the Peasant Girl. The Peasant Girl is grounded, hard working, honest and has been through some very tough times. And the Queen is more regal, erudite, composed and in control. The Queen in me never lets anyone treat the Peasant Girl in me like crap... and the Peasant Girl is always loyal to the Queen. It’s this dichotomy that drives me and keeps me balanced… makes me confident… and I need both parts to function equally. Too much "Queen" and I'd be an arrogant bitch and too much "Peasant" and I'd be a push-over. So once again, all things in moderation. As you were ;D