Wednesday, 27 October 2010

The Bad Girls Guide: How To Deal With A Psychotic Bitch

I’ve met my fair share of freaks and seen a lot of weird shit in my life so I wasn’t surprised when a family friend, Suraya, approached me for advice. About 9 years ago, her uncle (mother’s brother) got married under mysterious and peculiar circumstances. It happened suddenly, completely out of the blue and through some twist of fate, the newlyweds moved in with Suraya and her Grandmother.

At first, Suraya couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something sinister about her new aunt and all her suspicions were confirmed a few days later, when her aunt sneaked out of the house like a fugitive in the middle of the night, had her brother pick her up from one of the street corners and drove home (to Durban) only to return 4 months later. Her explanation to her husband at the time was that she went home to get medication for Multiple Sclerosis and that she had to see her doctor. And every year since then, it’s been the same story… she disappears for 3 or 4 months at a time and comes back with the same excuse… and inexplicably, her husband never questions or doubts her and accepts everything she tells him.

Now according to Suraya, ever since they moved in things have changed completely. She said that it’s like a dark cloud has settled over the house and she feels melancholy and uneasy all the time. She also said that her uncle is not the same person anymore, it’s like he’s become blind to life and his wife has him by the balls, literally. And to this day, he hasn’t met the “doctor” treating her for Multiple Sclerosis and every time he enquires about it, she’s evasive and changes the subject.

For the 9 years that this woman has been living there, she’s made Suraya and her Grandmother’s life utterly miserable. Under strict instructions from her Mother and other family members to keep the peace and not to retaliate or say anything, Suraya kept her mouth shut. Her Grandmother was the only other person in the house that had to endure this woman’s antics and it wasn’t long before she went digging around into her daughter-in-law’s past and background and came across a whole lot of wicked information… like her daughter-in-law’s penchant for all things related to the dark arts and black magic practices and the numerous men she's lived with before latching on to her son like a parasite.

Suddenly, a whole lot of things began to make sense and when they went to see a spiritual healer for help, it was confirmed that something malicious was indeed brewing in their home. In the meantime, this aunt refused to do anything in the house and often treated Suraya like a slave. She would be mean and vulgar to both women and when they complained to Suraya’s mother or uncle about it, putting her in the spotlight, she would flat out deny it or say that she can’t remember anything. Whenever a dispute arose between her and her husband, she would threaten him with suicide and OD on medication she got to keep up with her MS ruse, spending several days utterly intoxicated until he caved in. In general, she refused to leave the house unless she went to her “doctor” that no one knows, to be treated for a disease she obviously doesn’t have.

A few months ago, things took a turn for the worse when this aunt of Suraya’s wanted to beat up her Grandmother. They called a family meeting and as usual, she denied everything saying that she couldn’t remember what happened and that she was not responsible for anything. Around the same time, her behavior became more bizarre and creepy and when Suraya was at work, she would go into her room, take her underwear (specifically her panties) and wear them.

It wasn’t long before Suraya figured that this woman was taking her underwear and other items of her clothing out of her cupboard, wearing them and then packing them away in her own cupboard. On one occasion, when Suraya saw that she only had 2 panties left in her drawer, she confronted her. Feigning ignorance, this woman cheekily replied “oh this one?” before tugging down one side of her pants and revealing the elastic rim to ensure that Suraya could identify her underwear that her aunt was wearing.

At this point, Suraya became fed up and told her to leave her clothes and underwear alone. But it didn’t stop there. For a few weeks after the confrontation, the aunt continued stealing Suraya’s clothing and underwear, often stating that she’s confused and that all their clothes and underwear look exactly the same. The domestic worker caught her in Suraya’s cupboard several times and when Suraya began locking up all her things, she would steal it on the day the laundry was done… either from the washing line or from the ironing board.

Absolutely livid, Suraya confronted her again, this time in front of her uncle; and again she feigned ignorance, denying everything and her uncle just laughed it off and said that it was a simple honest mistake. Having reached boiling point, Suraya decided then that she had enough of this abuse and that she had kept quiet about it long enough. Using all the knowledge she had on this aunt as ammunition, she confronted her once again, the very next day, telling her that she knew all about her past and her relationship with her “witchdoctor”.

Needless to say, it caught the aunt by surprise and she was shocked into silence because she didn’t think that anyone knew about her past. On her accusation of enticing evil forces and delving into black magic, the aunt just stared at her blankly and defiantly, neither confirming nor denying anything. And that’s when her aunt stopped stealing her underwear, but continued stealing her clothing and storing it in her cupboard.

It wasn’t long after that when I met Suraya for tea and she told me the entire story. I told her it looked like her aunt was trying to drive her and her Grandmother insane, possibly hoping that they’ll leave the house, so that she can have the house (which belongs to the Grandmother) all to herself. So she wanted to know how to deal with this psychotic woman and what to do about the situation without resorting to murder or using black magic herself. The thought of revenge made me smile…

See, you can’t deal with a psychotic bitch the way you’d deal with a normal person. This is no ordinary domestic dispute that requires compromise… no one’s fighting over TV channels or what to cook for dinner. This is psychological warfare. From what I’ve heard, the aunt obviously has NO boundaries, dignity, integrity, morals, values or any kind of shame at all… true characteristics of someone who’s a few grapes short of a fruit salad y'know what I'm saying. Unfortunately, there is both an upside and a downside to this.

The upside is that every person, no matter what their status, circumstance or situation has a weakness and in Suraya’s case, it was a matter of finding her aunt's weaknesses and exploiting them in the correct manner, at the correct time. The downside, as I’ve explained to Suraya, is that there are no limits to what her aunt will do because the truth of the matter is that if she could go into her cupboard, knowingly and intentionally take her underwear and wear them… and continue to repeatedly violate Suraya on a such a personal level… there’s no telling what else she’s capable of doing. Never underestimate a psychotic bitch. EVER. And the aunt is clearly a deranged lunatic and has to be handled as such.

With her Grandmother’s consent, Suraya began fighting back, often hitting below the belt, calling her out on her whorish debaucherous past and her satan worshipping skills. It was a good start because while we shouldn’t be broadcasting people’s secrets to others, there is no solid rule about not revealing their own secrets to them. So I told Suraya that she shouldn’t talk about her aunt’s past with anyone else, and that she should instead tell her aunt about it… remind her every day about that which she so desperately wants to forget.

See, the objective of every psychotic bitch (and bastard) is to drive you crazy, to make you "freak out"… and "freaking out" gives them the exact response they hoped for. So instead of feeding and living up to their expectations, you should change the game, turn the tables and freak them out.

For instance, the aunt’s worst fear is to be a victim of witchcraft herself… so I suggested that Suraya start taking items of her clothing every day and when she asks for them, to give them back with a mischievous sinister smile on her face. I also told her to learn neutral arbitrary Latin phrases like “Laus Deo, lex dei vitae lampas, libera te tutemet ex inferis, luceat lux vestra” (“Praise be to God, the law of God is the lamp of life, free yourself from hell, let your light shine”) and on particularly bad days, she should repeat it in front of her aunt, in rapid succession like a chant… with the tone of her voice rising dramatically and her eyes rolling back in her head, before blowing in her face or in her direction and smiling. For extra kicks, she could blow it on every food item in the house in the presence of her aunt… since the aunt is terrified of eating anything in case it was poisoned with black magic.

In addition, I advised Suraya that it would help if she got a syringe with codeine or some other harmless drug. She should then show it to her aunt and tell her that it’s morphine and that the next time she attempts to OD to scare the family, she’ll inject her with it and help her finish the job.

Suraya was initially worried about physical contact, fearing that her aunt would resort to physical violence, like she did with her Grandmother. On this I advised her to always carry a lighter… the biggest one she can find… and at any given moment when things look like they’re going to get out of hand, she should boldly ignite the flame and put it near the aunt’s hair, and tell her that she had once heard that witches burn faster than normal people do.

There was one tiny detail left… what to do if she had to deal with her uncle, mother and other family members if her aunt complained to them. On this her Grandmother is happy to defend her and say that she’s not guilty of anything but I told her that her best defense is to imitate her aunt… feign ignorance, deny everything or say that she can’t remember anything that happened, blame it on all the demons in the house and suggest they go back to the healer for more spiritual help because his remedies aren’t working effectively.

The thing is, people like the aunt are physically and spiritually weak but while they may look harmless, they have the ability to wreak havoc in the lives of others if left to their own devices. If you are standing in the way between them and the object of their desire, you automatically become a walking target and the malice that brews in their souls will never let you be. They will NEVER leave you alone. So you have to be pro-active and do what you have to do, like pray and know when and how to counter-act and be constantly alert to survive. If you don’t focus, you’ll become just another one of her victims… another pawn in her game. It’s self-preservation. People like that can’t be ignored or left alone because if you don’t get her, she’s coming for you, slithering slowly like a snake in the grass. Guaranteed.


  1. There is a solution - a disarmingly simple method to removing both parasites.

    Throw them out. (uncle and aunt)

    They will attach to a new host the way any remora, lamprey or leach would.

    Grandma may not want to, but it's the only solution.

  2. LL - I think they would have thrown out Miss Crazy if it wasn't for her uncle / the Grandmother's son. They are a very traditional and close knit family and don't want conflict - thats why they all insisted Suraya keep her mouth shut all those years.

    The uncle seriously needs to wake up and grow a pair though.

  3. wow, this is scary stuff man. i think that you either have watch too many movies or you've dealt with some psycho ppl in your life...the advice you gave was scary itself, maybe more so than the story!!

    witchcraft is so rife in the muslim community for i dont knw what reason. i knw so many ppl who are affected by it and who also do it to others, for apparently "harmless" reasons. like mothers who want a certain daughter or son in law etc and resort to a witch doc to help them get them...

    man, its so important to say the three Quls every night and blow it on your entire body- protection protection protection

  4. al - You have NO idea just how bad the witchcraft situation is. I'm kind of an amateur expert on these matters and discuss this [i.e. the nature of jinn & the differences between them as well as specific elements in witchcraft and how to treat it/ deal with it] in extensive detail on my other blog using a lot of real-life examples and thats why I keep it private and insist that people email me to request access.

    The advice was apt since this woman is no ordinary female... like I said, she has absolutely no boundaries or shame, and the only way to deal with such people is to "shock" them with counter-tactics - since most of the time, that's not the reaction they're expecting.

    Amrita - Hard to believe that people like that exist eh?

  5. wow this is some serious and disturbing tale. I didn't know witchcraft is taken so seriously in SA. I would have thrown them out.

  6. mezba - Unfortuantly its very serious and witchcraft is very very rife in the society... amongst all (or majority of) the races.