Friday, 11 March 2011

Coz being a housewife doesn't mean that you have to be DESPERATE...

So there I was, minding my own business, tending to Arabella when I heard a soft pitter patter sound on the tarmac near the driveway, followed by a painful grunt and a curse. It was Aunty Fatima, who lives two streets away, running barefoot along the road with a spatula firmly entrenched in her right hand and her feet occasionally meeting coarse stones, hence the curses. For a moment, I was startled but had to remind myself that she was only this over-zealous when it came to some form of salacious gossip.

In less than a minute she was knocking furiously on the neighbour's door, and when Aunty Rahima opened, she forced herself in, waving the wand-ish spatula like Harry Potter's nemesis, whispering in mock tones. I couldn't hear what she said, and I didn't care either. I just went about my business hoping the black frost didn't kill any of Arabella's roots. But the story eventually emerged two days later when Aunty Rahima just HAD to tell Aunty Padma further down the street... and everyone knows never to tell Aunty Padma anything unless you want the entire world to know.

Just a week prior to that day, a man called Mo had the rudest wake-up call of his life. And the poor guy didn't even see it coming.

When Mo married Shaida in the Summer of 2009, he was the happiest man on earth. She was everything he ever wanted in a woman... a little shorter than he was, 2 grams away from looking like a rake, blue contact lensed eyes, a perfectly iced face habouring make-up like Libyan fugitives, and peroxided hair that was GHD'd to perfection.

He'd never forget the first time he met her. She was the timid, demure girl sitting with her rather loud friends, feasting on cheese burgers in the corner booth of the nearest McD's. He was visiting a friend and when they decided to grab a quick lunch, said friend recognised one of his Varsity classmates and dragged Mo along to say hello.

Two months, oodles of charm, some emotional haggling and several text messages later, Mo and Shaida were officially dating. He was happy to have someone he considered beautiful on his arm. It stroked his rather fragile ego and made him feel like he finally “owned” something that none of his other friends had.

Shaida on the other hand was looking for a way out of her parents clutches and the moment she laid her eyes on Mo’s SLK, she was head over heels in love. It wasn’t long before they were married in a lavish ceremony that cost more than it would have to feed Sudan, and everything seemed great until a few weeks later...

One day, in the midst of revelling in his newly wedded bliss, Mo couldn’t shake the feeling that something was awry. Not one to cave to suspicion, he brushed it aside. It was around this time that Shaida flipped the switch. She suddenly became very demanding and petulant, often picking petty fights and bemoaning stupid facts... like the sunshine yellow pillow cases were a shade lighter than the canary yellow carpet and she simply couldn’t have that – so she demanded a newly decorated boudoir. Confused but governed by his ego and loins, Mo complied because everytime he questioned her, she’d sit in a corner and sulk for the whole week. And he didn't want to upset her.

Soon the entire house wasn’t good enough for Shaida and Mo found himself cash strapped and in debt trying to meet his new wife’s endless “needs”. He shouldn’t have bothered though because barely a few months had passed when Mo received a phone call that would shatter the flawless fa├žade that was his life forever.

Apparently, while Mo was out all day long slaving away from the crack of dawn until the early evenings (so that he could finance his wife’s every whim and fancy), she was canoodling with her best friends' husband in what turned out to be a raunchy debacle. Said husband would arrive at the house and only leave hours later, some of the homebound neighbours observed. And coming straight from the horses-mouths-cousin (<--- ha see what I did there) Shaida loved the thrill of meeting him in secret places. When Mo confronted her, she didn’t deny it... instead to fell to the ground and cried, saying that it was his fault for leaving her alone... and he actually felt a little guilty.

Despite this huge indiscretion on his wife’s part, Mo didn’t want to get divorced, but Shaida left him no choice. She hastily packed away all that she had a acquired from him one day while he was out at work, and shacked up with her best friends’ husband.

Naturally, Mo was devastated. He had nothing because he had given her everything (and some of that everything he had purchased with plastic). He moved in with his parents and spiralled into a deep depression.

But Shaida hadn’t won. A few months after she had moved in with her ex-best-friends’ Ex, she discovered that her new illicit lover was indulging in a few indiscretions of his own at the work place. She went ballistic and he eventually left her for someone younger and prettier.

Moral of this tragedy:

1. Any intelligent and reasonable man in most cases has nothing to fear from women. But beware of two things: firstly, a woman that has more ambition than you do; secondly and the most dangerous of all is the Damsel in Distress. Case in point.

2. Relationships involve two individual people. You cannot treat your spouse like a commodity that's devoid of human emotion... you do not "own" him / her. People, their emotions and actions cannot be controlled.

3. Any woman with an ounce of self-respect and dignity doesn’t need external validation of any kind, nor does she run away from her problems.

4. If you’re going to be a slut, then at the very least eliminate the people in your firing line. There’s a heavy price to pay. The damage will be of catastrophic proportions and important relationships will become irreparable.

5. You can NEVER build your happiness on someone else’s misery and think that you’ll get away with it; Karma kicks Murphy’s ass when it comes to being a Bitch.

6. The shallowness of being WILL be the death of you.


  1. Hmm this is so typical and true of what occurs now a days. Good post and Brilliantly written!

  2. OR - look for a woman with impossibly low self-esteem who feels that the man she landed is the best she'll ever do.

    I'm not saying that I would pursue that strategy, but it's an alternative for Mo.

  3. He should have kicked her out of the house when she complained about the colour of the pillow cases. A female like that has a bug colony living in her butt.

  4. Wow. Typical Desperate Housewife story. Your neighborhood is JUICY!!

  5. Interesting post indeed, somewhat true. And I won't disagree with LL :P

  6. I have a friend from London, who had faced a similar situation. Married a woman, who wanted an escape from India, then after she had gotten her citizenship, she left in the same manner - messy affair and the works.
    She had also wanted a half of everything he had.

  7. Princess - Thanks. It's so common that I don't even get shocked anymore :/

    LL - He'll have to have the courage to pick himself off the floor first. I hope the best for him.

    Mr. GB - I feel the exact same way. Something should have been done at the first sign of insanity.

    Michi - You have no idea how corrupt some of our communities are. They put the soap operas to shame.

    Tauqeer - Heres hoping you don't ever come across such madness.

    Jaya J - And I know someone from SA (from the holy folk) who married someone else in Australia - she waited 5 years before she threw her religion out the window and went bonkers... doing drugs, partying hard etc. Poor guy is devastated. She just used him to get away from her autocratic parents. Speaking of which, they are quite unhappy too. Sad state of affairs.

  8. Another excellent post!
    I've noted down your 'morals' of the story for when my time coems :)

  9.'s horrifying the things we're capable of for useless materialistic gains.
    do people ever think enough to look past the superficial icing of people?
    but then i'm cynical when i hear about people hitching up. i tend to analyse why they're getting married.
    'for love' died with the belief in toothfairies:)
    am yet to hear, 'for Alla'

  10. Nas - Yep, take heed! Those are some expensive mistakes you dont want to make.

    fathima - Sometimes I wonder if these contemporary idealised notions of 'love' ever existed in the first place. All I ever hear is "me, me, me, me"...real love is completely self-less and timeless.