It’s been a horrible horrible horrible past week. For one, I’m sick. AGAIN. This time it’s an inner ear infection that has me permanently drunk and incapacitated and feeling like I just swallowed 17 000 razor blades for breakfast. I am so over this miserable germ-infested winter. I want to go to a warm tropical island somewhere, go to bed for like a year and wake up in September 2012.
Then there are other reasons for the horrendous week that was, but they’re too numerous to moan about here. Besides, I don’t like to whine... it’s not my nature and it irritates me. I irritate myself.
Instead I like to look for the light at the end of the shit-hole and this past week got me thinking about the simple joys in life. One of the things I absolutely loved in my teens was watching the Animaniacs. I'm sure there are many people who remember the trio; brothers Wakko and Yakko and their sister Dot. And Slappy the Squirrel... as well as the infamous and notorious Pinky and The Brain.
Far from being a regular cartoon, I was always convinced that the material drenched in wit, humour and sarcasm was more for teens and adults than pre-pubescent kids and a lot of what I’d seen on the show has stayed with me well into adulthood.
For instance, this has to be one of my favourite songs ever:
And here are a few of my favourite quotes:
Yakko Warner: We protest you calling us "little kids". We prefer to be called "vertically-impaired pre-adults".
Yakko: Wait. You're forgetting something.
Yakko: Well, being an evil villain, you are contractually required to explain your plan before you get rid of us.
Yakko: Wait a minute. You expect us poor, innocent children to climb up dangerous scaffolding and paint naked people all over a church?
Wakko, Yakko, Dot: We'll do it!
Yakko: But we're not doing it for art. We're not doing it for the sake of money. No! We're doing it because we love painting naked people.
Wakko: Don't worry, siblings. We'll sell that nice man a box of cookies, or die trying. Or try dying. Or do some tie-dyeing.
Yakko: We'd love to stay here and count our brain cells as they die one-by-one.
Dot: But we can't.
Dot: All we know is that we like you. We have no taste, but we like you.
Yakko: You'll never live to regret it.
Yakko: It's that time again!
Dot: To make fun of the Disney channel?
Wakko: To make the Fox censors cry?
Yakko: No. And the moral of today's story is: If you can't say anything nice, you're probably at the Ice Capades.
Yakko: And the moral of today's story is: If at first you don’t succeed, blame your parents.
Yakko: And the moral of today's story is: Early to rise and early to bed; makes a man healthy, but socially dead.
Yakko: And the moral of today's story is: You're only worth the number of pennies in your couch.
Yakko: And the moral of today's story is: You can teach an old dog new tricks, but you can't teach Madonna how to act.
Yakko: And the moral of today's story is: People who live in glass houses should dress in the dark.
Miles: Be gone, pests, and give me the bird [actual bird].
Yakko: We'd love to, really, but the Fox censors won't allow it.
Wakko: I think we deserve a spanking, right on our fanny.
Brain: It must be inordinately taxing to be such a boob. Promise me something, Pinky. Never breed.
Brain: Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Pinky?
Pinky: Um, I think so, Brainie, but why would anyone want to pierce Brosnan?
Brain: Pinky! Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Pinky: I think so Brain but how will we get the Spice Girls into the paella?
Slappy the Squirrel: The pleasure's been all yours, I'm sure.
Slappy: Look, have I ever lied to you before?
Skippy: You said keno is legal in Burbank.
Woman: Well. I never.
Slappy: Well, you should, it's fun.
Slappy: Pavlov would love this kid. Look Skippy, in most cases, revenge is not a good thing. In other cases, it's the only thing.
Slappy: If I were a better person, I'd ignore her and go on with my life. But I'm not.
Owner: I want a pet who'll come when I call and cuddle me when I've had a bad day.
Slappy: Have a kid, lady.
Girth Plotz: We meet again, Princess.
Dot: That's Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fanna Lay Onna Pile Of Origami the Third. But you can call me Dot. Call me Dotty and you'll be taking your Tang intravenously!
Yakko: [upon entering the underworld] All is strange and vague...
Dot: Are we dead?
Yakko: Or is this Ohio...
Satan: Beyond these doors is an agony worse than all others. You will remain in here for eternity listening to...
Wakko: Oooh, I know! Whiny protest songs from the Sixties?
Satan: Little fools! I am Beelzebub! Lucifer! The Reaper of Souls! The Really Angry One! I AM SATAN! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Dot: So that's nothing! [rasping, sinister voice] I'm Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fanna Bobesca the Third! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! [normal voice] Just a little thing I do.
Satan: You blundering dolts! Don't you realize you've entered the fiery realm of Hades?!
Wakko: Hades? [Dashes back up to the surface, brings back a snowball, sets it down, and watches as it quicky melts] Boy, they were right! It didn't have a chance!
Satan: SILENCE! And now, prepare to suffer indescribable torment!
Yakko: Another Bob Hope special?
Satan: Worse! Cerberus my pet, toss these fools into the Lake of Fire. But slowly. I want to watch them wiggle in agony.
Yakko: How about if we just wiggle here?
Warners: Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle!
[Yakko's just sung a song listing eight of the nine planets of the solar system]
Yakko Warner: There you go, that's our solar system.
Wakko Warner: You forgot Uranus.
Yakko Warner: [blowing a kiss to the audience] Good NIGHT, everybody.
Dots Poetry Corner:
Dot: Requiem for a Lamb: Mary had a little lamb / With mint jelly. Thank you.
Dot: Roses are red, violets are blue / That's what they say, but it just isn't true / Roses are red, and apples are, too / But violets are violet, violets aren't blue / An orange is orange, but Greenland's not green / A pinky's not pink, so what does it mean? / To call something blue when it's not, we defile it / But what the heck, it's hard to rhyme violet.
Dot: Little Miss Muffet. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet / And boy what a big tuffet she had! If you're feeling insecure, just sit next to her / And then you won't feel quite so bad. Thank you.
Dot: I'm a little teapot, short and stout! This is my handle, (pulls out a note from behind her) and here is a note from my shrink! He says I'm getting better! Last week I thought I was a toaster. Thank You.
The Godfather: [to henchmen] Show these kids the door!
Yakko: That's OK, we can see it from here. Ooh, nice door.
Dot: Great hinges.
The Godfather: You're gonna be sleeping with the fishies tonight!
Yakko: Can we all go?
Wakko: Is Jimmy Hoffa there?
Dot: Will he read to us?
Yakko: How's it going, Scratchy?
Dr. Scratchensniff: I take umbrage at that.
Yakko: Oh, sure! Take all the umbrage. Don't leave any for us.
Saddam Husein: Do you know who I am?
Yakko: Why? Did you forget?
Miss Flamiel: Yakko, can you conjugate?
Yakko: Who? Me? I've never even kissed a girl!
Miss Flamiel: No, it's very simple. I'll conjugate with you.
Yakko: Good night, everybody!
Flamiel: Wakko, what is the meaning of the word, "procrastination"?
Wakko: I'll tell you tomorrow.
Yakko: You know, you'd make a fortune renting your head out as a balloon.
Judge: What is this?
Yakko: That's a finger, you have five of them on each hand. Unless you're in the circus, then its negotiable.
Harp: Oh but it's very special! This goose lays golden eggs!
Yakko: A little fiber in its diet and it wont do that anymore. Doesnt anyone ever get cash in fairy tales??
Dr. Scratchansniff: Yakko, it's time to take the inkblot-test. Now, tell me... [shows an inkblot] ...what does this remind you of?
Dr. Scratchansniff: [shows another inkblot] What does this remind you of?
Dr. Scratchansniff: [annoyed, shows him one more inkblot] What does this remind you of?
Yakko: [analyzes the inkblot] Uhhhhhhhhhhhh, girls.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Grrr! You are obsessed with GIRLS!
Yakko: Hey, you're the one showing me all the sexy pictures.
Dr. Scratchansniff: What are you drawing?
Wakko: It's a cow eating grass. [holds up a blank paper]
Dr. Scratchansniff: But where's the grass?
Wakko: The cow ate it.
Dr. Scratchansniff: But where is the cow?
Wakko: Well, he's not going to stick around if there isn't any more grass to eat.
Dot: That makes me feel all kind of warm and squishy. Either that or I need to wear diapers.