My mind is still buzzing with thoughts and ideas and indecision over the most mundane things, for the past week. It's like I can't come to a resolution and I'm struggling for something definitive. Sounds so arbitrary and ambiguous I know, but I can't even muster the appropriate words to explain my current state of mind.
All I've been thinking of lately, is that one particular night, on one of my many long haul flights back to SA. I'm sure I've mentioned this somewhere on this blog before - but it's late and being the absolute shite blogger that I am, I can't be bothered to check where.
I honestly can't remember where I was returning from but it was the middle of the night and most of the passengers were sleeping in the dimmed cabin. Awake and bored, I leaned closer to the window from my window-seat and looked out into the black night. To get a better view, I narrowed my vision, cupping both hands to the sides of my face, blocking out excess light and peripheral vision.
It was then that I saw the most spectacular view I've ever seen in my entire life - a midnight sky filled with billions of glittering iridescent stars that stretched on forever, disappearing into the horizon and a full moon shining on the coastline below, illuminating the sky and tracing the rugged shore with a thin luminous silver line. The sea looked still, as if it was basking in the light of the moon and for the longest time, it felt like I was suspended in air - just floating along with the stars and the moon and looking down at that amazing view. I remember wondering to myself, quite arbitrarily, if I was by any chance closer to God in any of those moments... I'm guessing not.
Never-the-less, The Almighty is surely the best painter of landscapes. Sometimes I wish I could go back there.
Anyways, I have an Italian friend on Facebook who's been lamenting his wife's absence for the past two months. She's left Rome for a visit to her home town in Malaysia and he misses her every single day. It's quite endearing to watch him profess his love to her and his longing to be with her again. It reminds me of a time when the world was supposedly more chivalrous... I wouldn't know when that was because all the good men seem to have died along with that era.
My friend's emotion and sentiments have definitely struck a chord with me. It's made me realise that men love in two ways... they either love with their ego's (as most men do with their hunter genes), or they love with their hearts. Men who love with their ego's make it all about them... it's a somewhat selfish admission and has more to do with him than the object of his affection. And any defect in the relationship is bitter to it's core, sometimes even exposing a nasty misogynistic streak. But they recover quickly and it isn't long before they've hopped along onto a new ego-stroking adventure.
But men who love with the heart... they're one of a kind. It's actually rare in this day and age. They love completely and self-lessly. There's both a strength and a vulnerability in their passion. They are almost fearless but they don't recover as quickly if the relationship goes south.
It could be true that some men who love with their hearts could love with their ego's in equal measure as well. However, I'm not inclined to believe the reverse - that a man who loves with his ego can love with his heart at the same time. But then again, what do I know... maybe they do, maybe they don't or maybe they simply can't.
In any case, my Italian friend definitely loves with his heart. And it's a profoundly beautiful thing to witness a man love so wholly because he's unashamed, unapologetic and generous with his heart... almost as beautiful as those glorious luminous stars that shine in the endless midnight sky.