Monday, 31 October 2011

Coz I may have changed my mind...

I have to apologise. For some reason, my previous post came off more maudlin that I had intended. See, I wasn't complaining about being single, I'm actually happier than I've ever been - being single! I was merely thinking aloud with that self-analysis-behaviour-modification thing I do. I ardently believe in Divine Will so I don't fret about anything I don't have - with the knowledge that things will come as they're meant to, at the right time.

And timing is everything.

It's a funny thing. Life. I can remember a time when (barely a year ago) my ovaries were pining ferociously for offspring. Six kids if anyone recalls. That was always the plan. But now? I'm not so sure.

I don't know exactly what changed my mind. All I know is that one minute I was helping my cousin move from Mayfair (central Johannesburg) to Florida Hills (west of Johannesburg) with her 18 month old toddler... and then the next minute, said ovaries were like "ok thanks, we've had enough".

What really drove the point home was spending the weekend at her new place (coz her hubby had to go to Manchester/UK on business). Now I'm no amateur. I always knew that having kids was not easy and I was really not naive or idealistic about this. And I've taken care of my fair share of babies from babysitting for a day to a couple of weeks! But nothing, NOTHING, could have prepared me for a weekend with a hyper-active, super-sensitive, intelligent and rebellious 18 month-old.

Firstly, this kid can talk... like entire sentences... at only 18 months. That's one year and 6 months for those who need to count. Yeah I know, I asked my cousin what she was feeding him too. The fact that he's so intelligent doesn't help. Intelligence + rebellious is NOT a good combination. See, with any other kid, you can just sprout any shit and they'll believe you. Not this kid. He puts on his "who-the-f@#$-do-you-think-you're-lying-to" face and does what he wants to anyway.

Sunday morning rolled around and he woke up next to me and his mother on the bed. He rolled over, smiled lazily and said "Hi Azra". Then he told his mother he needs to be changed - not in so many words - the kid may be intelligent but he isn't Jesus ok. It didn't take him long to get his bearings and head for destruction. The kitchen was first and when he was done unpacking every cupboard he could open, he headed for the lounge and the DVD stack.

The entire weekend was EXHAUSTING! And I wasn't even the one doing most of the yelling and reprimanding. At one point he fell asleep, woke up in my arms and proceeded to scream his head off for about an hour, crying because how dare I carry him while he's asleep and how dare his mother let anyone near him. He only stopped when she took out a belt and told him that if he didn't quit crying blue murder, she was going to give him something to cry about.

And I think that was it. I've never been the same since. It's not that I can't see the pay-off here. I can see and appreciate the bond they have... and I can see the joy he brings to her life. But I have three cousins with four babies between them and honestly, I feel more exhausted just thinking about them then they do about rearing their children. I think that I'm definitely not ready for one of those (never-mind six). Crazy kids = Best. Contraception. Ever!

I'm not saying that I don't ever want to have kids... who knows what the future holds ;)


  1. Oh honey you are so right. Nothing reminds me that I don't want any more kids than caring for other people's children. I don't miss getting up in the middle of a great sleep to feed anyone. I don't miss diapers. I don't miss the emotional years. :) It will be different when you find Mr. Right and you're doing it together! (I am paid to say that by APWNTCOTHBIGI- the Association of People Who Need To Convince Others That Having Babies Is a Great Idea)

  2. It's easier (sort of) when they're your own children. You are forced into tolerance and have the opportunity to do 'better than other people do'.

    However, you'll make the same mistakes raising children that everyone else does. But I'm sure that you'll be a very good mother when the time is right and when you're ready for it.

  3. Hahaha, intelligent and rebellious - sounds like your gene pool, Azra. ;) I was convinced I never wanted children, but seeing them when I wander about the city makes me yearn for one. I am, however, terrified because both D-Man and I were the most naughty, demanding, and sleepless children on the planet.

  4. I swore I'd never have any.
    After Sabreen was born I swore I'd stick to the initial plan.
    Watch this space ;)

    PS: My sister lives in Manchester too. Married a guy from there, and been living there for a few years now.

  5. Most people think I am crazy for saying this: I NEVER want kids! Even though I am close to 30, there ain't no biological ticking going on here. Your weekend with the kid sounds like a horror movie to me!

    Erm, no offence to the kid or anything! hehe

  6. Angie - Haha, assuming that there is such a thing like Mr. Right? ;) But seriously, it's like this major chore and your life changes forever. I mean FOREVER....

    LL - That's what people say, it's easier when it's your own kids, I'm not convinced though. Glad you think I'll be a good mother :D

    Michi - And they say that your kid is like you x 10. So yeah I understand the hesitation... but as women we're slaves to our hormones sometimes... well not this time for me :)

    Kaloo - I'm sure she's all that and a bag of chips... and I'm sure she keeps you guys busy too! I just don't seem to have the energy for that right now... the nice thing about other people's kids is that they eventually go home ;D

    Prixie - LOL, none taken! I do completely understand why people say that. In this day and age, it's looking more and more like a prison sentence. I think I'm also terrified for the younger generations. Things are so bad as it is, I can't imagine what future generations will be like!

  7. Azra,

    I made the decision that I didnt want kids "intellectually." I watched other people deconstruct in front of me as they were dealing with yet another insane child. I postulated to myself: If I am tired now when I come home from work, how tired will I be by 10pm when the hellion finally falls over dead with sleep?

    If I am unhappy now, without children, when there is only one frozen lolly-pop left, how will I feel when, as the excellent parent I would be, I must give it to my child. I want my damn lolly-pop!

    How utterly shocked and overborn with grief will I be when I lift up the spitting snotty little vermin and hand him to his parents...only to realize...thats me. I go pale just thinking about it.

    Watching my friends ruin their twenties raising infants and just thinking about my reactions to the above scenarios all but assured that I would keep it in my pants (sort of speak).

    About the APWNTCOTHBIGI thing: why do all parents do that? I have spoken to several fathers confidentially and they say while they love their children (What did you expect them to say? They look forward to making them their next meal, maybe???), they are not at all persuaded they would choose the same course given the knowledge they now possess. Oddly, I have heard that from only a very few females. But uniformly in public "all parents" say I wouldn't change a thing. Really?

    Dont get me wrong, if you know your own mind and you know you have the emotional and physical wherewithal to be a good mommy (or daddy) than I think you should do it (after all I got to give the sniveling curtain climber back to someone). For the love of your own life, PLEASE, do your research. I did. I have concluded that I do not have what it takes. I would make a good parent. But I dont want to be one.

    So, my line shall not move forward. It ends here. Thats ok though because if you ask anyone they will tell you one of me is enough.


  8. I love children and dogs... when they're on television. I don't like the way they smell, I don't like the noises they make. When I'm shopping, minding my own business, and there's a kid screaming so loud you can hear it all the way in SA, you know, making that high-pitched sound that parents find adoring and cute, well, all I want to do is bitch-slap both the kid and its parents. Do you think I need to seek professional help? So, yes, I understand your change of heart and not wanting six children anymore.

  9. According to a wonder-bra ad, it's a woman's prerogative to change her mind. Can barely handle kids in small doses. Have had the number of children I planned to have dwindle to two from five. In two years, it'll be one then none. I don't really have any "urge" to have babies. I just think they're cute.

  10. if you were living in my part of the world, everyone around you would have judged you for saying/writing/thinking this :S

  11. Not sure how people do it without a huge support group. Just thinking about feeding another mouth, sleepless nights, college costs, etc. is terrifying.

    Definitely rough for your original # as it would be x6.

  12. P.S. Whatever you do, don't change your mind about teaching like my 'friend' Leo the Cry Baby Teacher. :)

  13. LCG - Just the thought of kids at this point in time is enough to make me want to hibernate. FOREVER. But never say never... things have a way of changing over time :)

    RCB - I love babies too. As long as I can give them back. Think I should give up teaching, all the "kid" talk is having serious negative effects ;P

    Fathima - I too think they're cute. But they're hardly ever cute enough to want one whole one on your own lol ;)

    Tazeen - I'm sure they'd judge me, as most people would. But then again, who died and made everyone God? ;P

    ipenka - Another factor for me is the world we're living in. I cannot see myself rearing kids in this day and age where everything is about whoring oneself in some way or other or getting high and staying there. If we manage to rear "normal decent" kids it would be like hitting the jackpot.

  14. I love the way you explain things - "whoring" your way through life and getting high is a good life for some people. Damn! I knew I was missing out on life! hehe

    Agree - like giving children back to their parents but Azra, it would be soo different if they were your own, wouldn't it? You could slap them silly when they get high! haha

  15. SI - LOL, yes I'm sure it would be different if the kids are your own... that's why I'm not ruling it out completely... in case I get one of those chronic debilitating needing to have a family diseases ;P

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