Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Contemplating contemplations...

10. Driving back home the other day was like participating in a GTA competition; with every schizo psychotic driver in the entire universe unleashed on the roads. Worse still, it seemed like the majority of them got their licenses with their Happy Meals at the McDonalds drive-thru – from Ronald McDonald himself no less. I inevitably found myself chastising¹ the driver in front of me and not in a very nice way. It got me thinking about a whole lot of things. I can’t say I’ve never committed any traffic offences; and I can’t say that I’ve never annoyed another driver by driving slower than the speed limit – especially when I’m taking my time or trying to find my way around. So why do I feel the need to decapitate the next person? How many times do we chastise² people in traffic for crimes that we are also guilty of?

9. Oh what I’d give to be in Marbella³ right now! I spend hours thinking about it. My left boob is always the first choice – because there’s two. Or maybe my baby toes, I don’t need them. An arm seems a bit extreme. I need my arms, how else am I going to hug David Gandy? I would gladly part with the remaining bum fat though.

8. Need a fake tan? Come and live in South Africa. You'll never ever end up looking like an Orang-utan. It's the African sun and all that.

7. Now that we’re into winter, every morning is an epic battle of Lord-of-the-Rings proportions. The bad part is that it’s not even that cold. In Johannesburg, we share the same weather forecast with Paris. And it’s summer in Paris. There are some mornings I don’t even want to get up at all. I wish I could sleep forever. Wake me up when September ends.

6."I actually go to a church where they don't blame God for all the bad choices people make". I overheard a woman say this to another woman one morning, just before one of my sporadic runs around the Johannesburg Botanical Gardens. I thought it was funny, so I chuckled to myself silently before I went on my merry way. Funny coz it’s true.

5. One of my cousins is getting married in 3 weeks time and naturally, this only means one thing: War. There’s just something about a wedding that unleashes the Gremlin within. And so much of it is completely unnecessary. We live in the 21st century and people have yet to realise that their marriages are by no means an extension of the wedding day itself. Even if perfection is achieved, there is no guarantee or evidence that flawless decor and floral arrangements equate to flawless relationships and the coveted happily ever after.

4. Speaking of extensions of the follicular variety... I’ve decided to take a leap and colour my hair. Now I don’t usually colour my hair. I have dyed it black a few times because my natural hair colour is a significant red-brown and I hate it. But I don't just want to dye it any colour, I'm thinking radical change, a myriad of colour. Just for fun of course. This is what I’m going for, notice how the top is darker and then it tapers off into lighter hues:

3. Speaking of extensions of another kind. And I’m sure I’ve said this at some point before. I hate how some parents think their children are the centre of the universe and therefore exempt from any kind of responsibility or consequences, and that we should all bow down to them. As a parent, your children are not an extension of you. They are people in their own right with their own minds, priorities, needs and opinions. So essentially your children don’t come from you, they come through you. And it is NOT your job to give in to their every whim and fancy, breeding little future Dictators – midget Fascists in the making. It IS however, your job to educate them on how to mind their manners, and in the ways of the world so that they can be the best people they can possibly be, for the sake of the world... because it’s the rest of the world that has to live with a Cuntasaurus⁴ once your all-consuming-ego-inflated-ass is dead.

2. Why is it that when it comes to friends and even strangers, we find ourselves non-judgemental, accommodating and accepting of who they are and what they believe in without any question. But when it comes to our own families - the very people we claim to love more than anyone else in the whole world - we’re often highly judgemental, critical, harsh, condescending and unaccepting of their beliefs, opinions and who they claim to be? This is an observation I’ve made across the borders of race, ethnicity and every religious denomination.

1. Oh my, that David Gandy. What a beautiful man. It must be illegal to be that pretty. They should call him David Candy. There’s just something about him... him and all the other hundreds of guys in both my Male Appreciation Albums⁵.

Footnotes:
¹Instead of cursing him, his mother, his father, his grandmother and the rest of his family and then flipping him off.
²There's that nice word again.
³Just one more fabulous place on that endless bucket list.
⁴Think cunt, but on a huge dinosauria-like scale.
⁵Yep, there are two.

17 comments:

  1. I wish it were winter (or at least 20 degrees cooler) in my part of the U.S. right now. I've been sweating off my sunblock!

    ReplyDelete
  2. YEOW!

    Heh heh.

    What a sucker punch of a post! Love it.

    "Worrrrd" on pretty much everything you said. Re. weddings, yeah, of course. My husband and I had a small wedding (70 people), we wanted it to be a simple, intimate and fun day with no hooplah...we didn't stress about it during the planning process, we were totally chill and just did the bare minimum...for one, we're not "big fancy wedding" people, we wanted only people who are in our lives and mean something to us, but also...what exactly is the point? It's ultimately about the marriage and you nurturing the relationship throughout the marriage; a full-of-frills wedding won't matter whether the couple is truly happy or not.

    I get really tanned whenever I return to Serbia and Croatia (which will happen in several months) 'cause I usually go in the summer...but I try to avoid the harsh Aussie summer sun.

    That hair is GORGEOUS. Do it.

    Yes about the children.

    Yes about judgement of our own families...it's quite sad, huh?

    A final yes to David Gandy...HUBBA HUBBA!

    ReplyDelete
  3. hahahaha. Azra.
    i totally get you on driving tensions. of late, i've been feeling extremely stressed on the road. maybe i should grow wings and fly instead. sigh.
    i love that hair from dark to light. i've done all sorts of things to my hair over 12 years, and have just decided to keep it all natural in the last 2 years. straight, raven black hair, but i'm tempted..so tempted to snip it all off right now ? i feel comfortable in short hairstyles.

    honestly, i dislike weddings. i mean, i'm always happy for the couple (provided that they are all that genuinely happy to leave everything and cleave to each other for the rest of their lives) but it's an occasion that get people mad with each other for reasons that dont matter. i've seen that in many weddings.

    that David Gandy is indeed a candy.
    :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ah it's time for another list. Well, I got my licence at a McDonalds drive-thru, so what are you saying? ;) You so promised you wouldn't decapitate people anymore, ex lady warrior with a Gremlin within. Marbella... I love that place. Been there plenty of times. I think I once saw you there, tanning (I'm pretty sure it was a real tan) unabashedly on a yacht. Was it David Gandy's?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Red brown. Would that be auburn? Wonderful hair colour.

    The woman in your picture. She has hair!?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Couldn't agree more on #3! Loved every single one of your points there. :)

    The hair in #4 is HOT HOT HOT looking. I say go for it and send pics!

    As to #1... Holy yum! That man is delicious!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ha ah! I love number 3! You are the new prophet ( Kahlil Gibran) so true. And number 2 - why is that? Why are we more accommodating to friends and strangers?
    Oh, and go for the dip dye- hair is a great thing to play around with!

    ReplyDelete
  8. What if David Gandy turns out to be homosexual?

    Ok, never mind that.

    You should dye your hair white. I keep my hair in that condition and NOBODY ever sees the roots (black as a raven's wing - ha).

    ReplyDelete
  9. Roving Retorter
    I must be honest, I don't miss the dreadful heat... I don't fancy the cold either - balmy is more my type :)

    Pretzel Thief
    Seems like the Southern Hemisphere sun is so much harsher than the Northern Hemisphere one ;P As for your wedding, that was small! Weddings here range between 500 people (which is considered "small" or "average")up to 1000 people! I know a girl who had 3000 people at her wedding! It's enough to make me want to elope :)

    Jaya
    My hair is very curly so the longer it is, the better or easier it is to manage. I too don't like weddings - I think most people make a big fuss and waste a shit load of money to please people who will gossip about them anyway... there will always be someone finding fault with something.

    RCB
    Oh how I wish Randy! I've had far too much on my mind over these past few days. I'm so over this world and quite ready to move onto a yacht in the middle of the Med thank you very much! Incidentally, David Gandy is currently single (or was a couple of weeks ago) :D

    Colin
    Haha. I would have said Auburn Colin - only sometimes it's more red than brown and sometimes its more light-brown than red. It all depends on where I am and my exposure to the sun.

    Angie
    I'll be sure to post pics when I do get the hair done. I'm trying to think of a way to stalk David Gandy without getting arrested ;D

    Juliette
    Most of today's parents really irk the crap out of me, with their new "progressive" methods that have done nothing for the world except breed a generation of juvenile delinquents! It's become so bad that I'm literally dumbfounded when I meet a kid of any age that has any kind of manners at all. Most of them are selfish, rude and run amok like wild animals - well the animals are even better behaved!

    LL
    LOL, I think most men would want David Gandy to be gay. As for white hair - I don't think I'd have many suitors if I dyed my hair white. Women with white hair just can't pull off that sophisticated dashing look like men can.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Haaha, cuntasaurus, i have to use that sometime. i don't drive but i remember once being in a taxi cab driven by an irish man, someone honked at him, he leaned out the window and shouted 'Save that horn for your wife'.

    Very funny post.

    ReplyDelete
  11. You're too funny. Whenever I take a break from the blogging world and come back, I check out your page first and am always greeted with classic Azra entertainment. ;) Somehow, it makes for a nice welcome "home".

    ReplyDelete
  12. Ah, that went through before I finished writing. #9: yes! You need to come visit! #4: I'll need to dye my hair soon too- too many greys!! #3: AMEN. Here we call them "ninos mimados". #2: I'd like to know the same. I myself have been guilty of such behavior. P.S. Sorry for the short and dry comments but am not at my laptop and it's hard for me to type!

    ReplyDelete
  13. The hair colour in #4 is pretty.

    Love your random list, though I think you'll surely miss your little toes if they're not there.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I live in Los Angeles which definitely has some pretty crazy driver too...

    Some diverse contemplations here but I guess: Traffic, family, religion, fashion, weather and eye candy does cover the gamut of life! =P

    ReplyDelete
  15. sundersartwork
    Unfortunately we have to drive everywhere - well we could use public transport but in this country it's not very reliable.

    Michi
    Hey Lady, I was wondering about you :) I need to email you soon!

    Terra Shield
    Sometimes I think I'd miss them... and then I sit in this cold apartment and think of Marbella and then I'm not so sure ;P

    ipenka
    LOL, yes that's life. A cacophony of pettiness with a hint of sarcasm and seriousness :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hahahahah, touche. ;-) I didn't really think that one through, now did I? Hee! The eeeeeeeviiiiiil and harsh Southern Hemisphere sun and the mellow and deep-chocolate-tan-inducing Northern Hemisphere one. BWAH! Heheheh.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Pretzel Thief

    I'd give just about anything to be on a beach in that Northern-Hemisphere-chocolate-tan-inducing-sun, right now ;)

    ReplyDelete