Monday, 28 January 2013

An ex and a why

At some point in time, most people will come to realise that what they see is not always what they get, and that life and people can sometimes be quite deceptive. 

It's like when I see my ex, and we smile and greet each other, and we're both cordial and polite and even friendly on the outside, but inside I'm thinking that he's still the same indecisive loser asshole that doesn't want to grow up. And he probably thinks I'm a judgmental bitch and secretly wants me to disappear so that he can avoid the awkward encounter, and continue on his merry way like nothing ever happened. Only those people who really know us will be able to see through that façade.

It got me thinking about the world at large and the number of people who pretend on a daily basis. It also got me thinking about couples and where their relationships (and love) go to after they die. 

My friend Zenat comes to mind. In typical Celeste and Jesse style, she and her fiancé Nazir amicably decided to call it quits for a number of reasons, the most important one being that while they loved each others company, in the end they just had too many different ideas and wanted different things. And they managed to remain good friends afterwards, still going out and attending events together... until Zenat met someone else. 

And then suddenly, it was a cold war. From the way I saw it, Nazir was particularly devastated - a result of either having had the vain hope that they would eventually get back together, or from the dawning realisation that it was over for good and the acknowledgement that life as he knew it would never be the same again. 

Or perhaps, there was a third reason. Maybe his ego was just bruised because he had lost?

There's this unspoken rivalry that exists between exes... sometimes it doesn't even manifest until a particular point in the break-up. It's the who-can-move-on-first question that becomes a competition of sorts. 

I'm reminded of this every time I secretly stalk my ex on Facebook, even though any kind of feeling for him had dissipated years ago. Moving on not only seemed like the next logical step, but as the brass ring, some kind of marker for success. And then came the time when I somewhat painfully conceded defeat - it was only painful because I allowed my own ego to be crushed under the weight of his obnoxious arrogant behaviour - which subsequently cemented my belief that he was a loser asshole and warranted my pity for his new girlfriend. 

So I look through his photos, and as an ever present if not secretly hidden spectator in his life, I witness all the women that come and go and all his ups and downs. Do I really care? Not at all. Is it juvenile? Of course it is... but looking through his photos and quantifying his failures gives me a sense of gratification I cannot explain. It confirms everything I ever suspected about him, and validates every reason why we broke up in the first place.

Because as human beings, we tend to want reasons for everything. And when we're not looking for those reasons, we smile and nod out of courtesy, even when we think the recipient of our smiles and nods are bitches and assholes.

23 comments:

  1. I pretend on a daily basis too! Unless I know the person I come into contact with has wronged me or someone I care about (in which case he or she will get the cold shoulder, squared). FYI, I'm madly in love with the title you've given this post - very Carrie Bradshaw.

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    1. Thanks Roving Retorter. And I only pretend with people I don't like. Even at that, I'm not very good - my feelings have a way of appearing on my face.

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  2. Love your posts. LOVE. They make me smile and chortle and ponder and wonder and all other awesome things.

    Also?

    They have a soothing effect on me. I know, right? You're the shiz, Azra! Heh heh.

    Also, I agree with The Roving Retorter that the title is totally Carrie Bradshawesque.

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    1. @Pretzel Thief - Thank you lady :)

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  3. In the case of broken relationships, anger is a product of fear. Fear is a product of compromised "self." If our essential needs (to be safe, loved, etc) are under siege, we respond aggressively to eliminate the threat and return our being to equilibrium.
    Whether our life is threatened or our self image, the response is similar.

    Our distaste, disrespect, disgust for our ex is often a mirror image of how we feel about ourselves. Whether we secretly want our ex to want us back or can't believe we actually fell for them, all the tension involved is often more about us than the ex.

    Now how the hell did I fall for her, anyway???!!! :-)

    Props to the creative title.

    Dean
    Http://leftcoastguy.com

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    1. @Dean - I hear you. And maybe sometimes, the other person is just an asshole eh?

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  4. Ahh. I love that you always write what we never seem to admit to others, sometimes not even ourselves. Are we inherently evil? Maybe. :)

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    1. @Michi - Great to see you back online. And yeah, we all have that evil streak.

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  5. Personally, I've never been into the whole facade thing. Just doesn't work for me.

    In response to your tea questions, I have never had that kind of tea, but am open to trying new kinds. As I love tea.

    So yummy. Thanks for the idea.

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    1. @Happy Whisk - It's definitely not my thing too... but a particular ex has a way of bringing it out of me.

      Hope you found the Rooibos tea!

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    2. I haven't been to Wegmans yet. They have tons of tea there. Or, they did at one time. Now they have less, but still a good bit.

      Thanks for the suggestion.

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  6. IC has always held a firm belief that everyone I dated before him was 'a clown' - not worthy of being jealous of or even considering talking about really, because "eh, they were idiots." I kind of love that philosophy.

    I luckily moved a hemisphere away from most of my ex's. And I'm not friends with any of them on facebook.

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    1. @Deidre - I love IC's philosophy. When I grow up I want to be just like him :D

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  7. A clean breakup is important for me. I wouldn't how else to pick up and get on with life with some normality. Breaking up and remaining as friends to attend events together never works.
    :)

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    1. Jaya - Very few people can do the whole "friends-with-the-ex" thing. Looking fantastic in your blogger profile pic btw :)

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  8. Az anyways was civilized that is important sometimes Im not so civilized ans isnt with ex really no, my problems with these friends you know really wasnt friend I hate see them again, well Im human LOL
    (and so passionate I know)

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    1. @Gloria - I'm passionate too Gloria, so I know what you mean ;)

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  9. Another reason why I'm not a fan of facebook - too many things that you're unable to let go because they're so easily accessible and in your face. It's good to get that confirmation that you made the right decision and hopefully your life is never tinged with regret

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    1. @Rooth - I know *sigh* I know I made the right decision though :)

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  10. Dicen que jamás hay que volver con sus ex nunca se concreta algo bueno,pero su decisión es la correcta,muchos saludos y abrazos hugs,hugs.

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    1. Verdad Rosita, saludos y abrazos :)

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  11. God, I thought people were smiling at me cos they liked me. Two faced sons of... Anyway, yes,its all about the ego isn't it.

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    1. LOL Juliette! I think this applies mostly to exes - most exes, not all anyway ;0

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