Monday, 7 January 2013

Frozen

I'm drenched, but I can't move. I don't want to leave because I don't know where to go. I'm lost. If I really had reached my limit, this feeling of guilt and frustration would have passed, but it's still there. Fear and trembling. When a sense of dissatisfaction persists, that means it was placed there by God for one reason only: you need to change everything and move forward.

I've been through this before. 

Whenever I refused to follow my fate, something very hard to bear would happen in my life. And that is my great fear at the moment, that some tragedy will occur. Tragedy always brings about radical change in our lives, a change that is associated with the same principle: loss. When faced by any loss, there's no point in trying to recover what has been, it's best to take advantage of the large space that opens up before us and fill it with something new. 

In theory, every loss is for our good; in practice, though, that is when we question the existence of God and ask ourselves, "What did I do to deserve this?"

Lord, preserve me from tragedy and I will follow Your desires. The moment I think this, there is a great crack of thunder and the sky is lit up by a flash of lightening. Again, fear and trembling. A sign.

Here I am trying to persuade myself that I always give the best of myself and nature is telling me exactly the opposite: anyone truly committed to life never stops walking. Heaven and Earth are meeting in a storm which, when it's over, will leave the air purer and the fields fertile, but before that happens, houses will be destroyed, centuries-old trees will topple, paradises will be flooded. 
Extract from Aleph ~ Paulo Coelho 

And just like that, Coelho eliminates any need to explain myself as he manages to take a page from my soul and publish it for all the world to see. Some things ring too true. 

Thing is, I often find that in my life, I'm always prepared to deal. The art of losing, isn't hard to master. Loss I can handle. What I have increasing difficulty with is following my fate... because I'm constantly questioning, second-guessing and doubting myself. Am I doing the right thing, is this the best thing to do, should I wait a while longer, do I have enough, is this the best time...? And on and on it goes. The obstacles we create for ourselves. 

But there was a time when there weren't any obstacles. And leaping was so much easier. There was no real regard for consequences and repercussions. But inevitably, one gets burned... sometimes once, twice... and a few times later, you have your concrete wall of questions and obstacles. 

Yes indeed, age does not only bring with it fear, but experience too. And the problem with those experiences is that each come with a certain knowledge and wisdom. The irony is that somehow, knowing things makes one even more stupid, fearful and reluctant. Until you're frozen in time. And unable to move. And then courage is no longer a characteristic or trait that you can summon at every whim, or when your adrenal cortex is going into overdrive; but a real iron-clad necessity. 

27 comments:

  1. I love this post.. so true. I know exactly what you mean when you talk about not following your fate or not doing what you should for your betterment, because experience has taught you to believe that you know where you're going, when in fact you do know its best to follow that fate. And that fear of tragedy.. like knowing change needs to happen. Great post, as usual.

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    1. Yes, exactly Nuraan. As people, our instinct is to follow our desires - which may not always be good for us. It takes real courage to follow your fate - because more often than not - it will encompass things/place/people/experiences that you don't like. Fighting it is futile.

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  2. Only time brings experience. And only experience - of success and failure - brings wisdom. But you don't need to be the wisest person on earth to take decisions. And nor do you need to wait for God to guide you. Defrost yourself. You're certainly smart enoughtto do it.

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    1. I don't see fate as "waiting for God to guide" Colin, I see it as the everyday happenings. Because everything is ordained by him. The courage I speak of, is the willingness to accept everything that comes your way, and not fight it - because too often, we fight that which is good for us.

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  3. I'm sorry that something bad intersected with your journey. Sic transit gloria mundi...

    All the same, tough times never last but tough people do.

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    1. Hi LL. Don't worry, nothing bad has happened (yet, touch wood!)... my existential anxiety comes from the fear that something bad will happen. It is irrational though.

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  4. There's a quote that's become one of my household decorations: "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly...."

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    1. That is a beautiful quote @Roving Retorter. And it's so true. Often we need to encounter some kind of stumbling block in order to grow and progress beyond what we are.

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  5. I wish you the best - here's to your journey.

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  6. If I can give you any advice Azra it would be to stop questioning or over analyzing (I KNOW...I KNOW, this is unbelievably difficult because I am master of it) and go with what feels right inside. If you're at a standstill, then just wait. Just be. Wherever your journey takes you is where you're meant to be 'cos that's fate, right?!

    Good luck and happiness x

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    1. Thanks for your pearls of wisdom Jules! And that is part of accepting your fate - just being! Yeah I know, I think too much :P

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    2. Thanks, Jules, for stealing my thunder. No pun intended, Az, but I think she's right. And if she's wrong, her advice still makes life easier. If there's one thing I hate is worrying about what might hapen or what might have happened or even WHAT HAPPENED?! You think too much. We should do a He said She Said post about just that: Women Think Too Freakin' Much about Too Freakin' Much. (Good title? Say YES. Don't think about it!) :))

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  7. Good post. You take far more chances without worrying about the consequences when younger.

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    1. Thanks Tony - and that is true.

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  8. Dear Az really hope all goes well, in this moment Im not good to advise, maybe Im so tired (many things last times) but I think you are really wise, I feel that and is true Good help us, I lived especially when sometimes I think OMY nothing to do!!
    anyway this is an amazing post. xo

    always make me smile you have grumpi blue in sport and recreation LOL O love it!

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    1. Haha, I'm happy that you find Randy's place on this blog so amusing.

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  9. Take a leap of faith. Trust your instincts. I've got nothing better to offer at the moment than platitudes...yes. How very helpful of me! Hahah. Sometimes, even with all the experience and concrete walls and freezing up, one just has to say, "F--k it." (To put it bluntly. :D) Forget the fear...or try to, anyway. Have faith and know that fear makes one feel out of control, and since in a lot of situations we DON'T have control...wait, WHAT, exactly, am I trying to say? Heh. Just...have faith. And continue kicking ass like you do!

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    1. I also believe on going on instinct Pretzel Thief... and sometimes, there's nothing better to do than just leap into the unknown with faith.

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  10. Azra, great post. It is hard to know the difference between desire and fate. And the older and wiser we get, we second guess ourselves. I call it "paralysis by analysis".

    Then I talk myself into action, because victory goes to the bold.

    As long as that doesn't hurt other people, in a general sense.

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    1. Thank you Opus#6. And I like that term "paralysis by analysis". I also believe in going bold and not hurting others ;)

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  11. I know. I know this very well. The art of losing. It makes me nervous every time I think about what would be gone in the future. What beautiful things that exists now will be gone tomorrow? Next week? In the future months? It's difficult to bear yet we have no choice but to move forward without these beautiful fleeting things that seemed lasting.

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    1. It seems that all of life is the act of letting go Debie, sometimes it's easier to accept this and continue to move forward instead of holding on out of fear :)

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  12. Every single time there's a real obvious path that I'm supposed to take and I know I'm supposed to take it, I get incredibly upset about it. Even if it's not a bad thing. I just hate thinking that I'm on this pathway to what I'm supposed to be and not have any say in it at all. So my middle finger to fate is doing the unexpected - even though I know I'm fighting a battle that I'll never win

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    1. Rooth - it is kind of upsetting to think you have a choice in some matters and it turns out that you actually don't. I guess my greatest lesson is to learn to just roll with it.

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  13. I always struggle with the different directions my life could go in any one given moment, and on occasion have questioned whether I'm on the right path, whether this is indeed my "fate" or if I'm going against it, or if there is simply something else I should be doing, somewhere else I should be going.

    Don't let this fear get ahold of you, love. (I know, it's too easy to get carried away by it - I consistently do, my mom used to call me the Worry Wart). We all have our fears and demons to fight, and what's life without the good fight? So fight for your (good) fate and not against it.

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    1. Michi - I guess you and I are the same in that we have to keep reigning ourselves in and checking that we're not fighting the inevitable and that we have our heads on our shoulders :P

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