Monday, 18 February 2013

Fatal attraction: courting rituals

I can sometimes tell when a guy likes me. It's usually that moment when he looks at me like he won the lottery. I only get this when I'm dressed to the nines - which is on my way to or from work, at work, or on those weekends when I'm up for a night out on the town. 

And because my personal style teeters somewhere between the mode marriage of Audrey Hepburn, Jacqui Onassis and Victoria Beckham - with a personalised distinct edge - I only ever attract specific groups of men. Not that it matters at all, what follows is always the same. 

Their first instinct is to get my attention - as it would be - and this includes all manner of activity; from suddenly talking really loudly and glancing in my direction, or talking about me to a friend like I'm not standing right there, or even dropping random items in my direction, to be retrieved in an effort to conjure up some kind of conversation. 

Some of their efforts, while somewhat earnest, can also border on the absurd when isolated from context. Once not long ago - while waiting for a lift from the train station - a particular guy parked in the lot, who was clearly waiting for someone else, made eye contact with me and then climbed out of his car with a soccer ball that he retrieved from the backseat. He then began playing with it, right there in the parking lot, displaying some of his skills, putting on a show and obviously hoping to impress someone.

I make a point of never mocking anyone though, and my reaction to any and all kind of attention seeking attempts are the same. At first, I can't help laughing to myself because I'm almost always thinking "geez, if this poor sod only knew how fucked up his idea of who I am really is". Thing is, all they see is a perfectly made up flawless facade, with the painted face and immaculate hair and the clothes and the shoes; but no one sees the tiny cracks in the porcelain veneer, the flaws and faults or the person.

And then I smile outwardly, not out of scorn but sincerity, because I know how they feel and I know how difficult it is to try to express that feeling without fear of being ridiculed or judged. This is where I feel truly, genuinely, sorry for men. See the onus is on them (most of the time) to make the first move. But not everyone knows how to go about doing that. And none of us are exempt from that feeling, really. 

If I think of what an idiot I am when I meet someone I like, I cringe until I want to DIE from mortification. It's the perfect anti-aging formula actually, because you'll never see a bonafide adult become a six year old kid any faster. What makes it worse is that my psychotic tendencies are also inclined to reveal themselves in such cases, and I'm instantly transformed into someone even I don't recognise:
And of course, this scares off even the most ardent admirers. I remember telling a guy a few years ago that I liked him and that there was nothing he could do about that, and that he had no choice in the matter. In the most subtle terms, I basically told him to shut up and like me back. Turns out that enamoured can be a dangerous emotion - it makes us brazen to the point of being reckless. And it brings out the crazy in even the most cultured and composed people. 

Which brings me to wonder if we are all doomed to make eternal fools of ourselves by dancing around these silly emotive rituals - because it doesn't matter who you are, most people have done something in front of their significant other at some point during their courtship that makes them want to hang themselves by their toenails. Or maybe there is something to the whole arranged marriage thing.

46 comments:

  1. I'm sick of not just the dating scene, but the build-up to the move-making scene. So many games and train wrecks. I'm jealous of people who found their soulmates in high school or college.

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    1. @Roving Retorter - The dating scene has become impossible. It's exhausting on just about every level there is.

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  2. El amor hace estremecer las hormonas y es típico que hagamos el ridículo,la culpa la tiene la hormona del amor,la oxitosina,abrazos que tengas suerte en el amor,hugs,hugs.

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    1. Estoy de acuerdo Rosita! Abrazos XX :)

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  3. I love everything about this post. AND I love the description of your style -- wowee! Also? I have yet to send you your bag because life has been hectic so: forgiveness please! It's coming! I'll endeavour to ship it off either this week during my lunch breaks or Sat morning the latest.

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    1. Well Pretzel Thief, maybe I should have clarified that THAT is my style when I dress up or specifically, when I step out of the house. The rest of the time at home I lounge around in tracks and tshirts. & don't worry about the postage silly, I'm in no hurry and I'm certainly not going anywhere ;)

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  4. I'm long-time married now, and still do silly things in front of my husband. But we are a silly couple and like to have fun.

    I don't know about arranged marriages. I don't think I would care for it. But who knows? Maybe it does work well for some.

    Just about to sit down for the rest of the night and make a nice cuppa. Will let you know tomorrow how I like it.

    Have a nice night, and boogie boogie.

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    1. I love your interaction with your husband Happy Whisk. It's so honest that it's refreshing. Maybe it's not at all unique, but I haven't seen much of that online.

      How was the tea? Your kind of cup or not really?

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    2. It was super duper strong, and I barely put that many leaves in. BUT, I enjoyed it cold. Next time I will put less in for hot, and add a bit of lemon.

      I will also use it in my fruit blender drinks, to give it a bit of a kick.

      Pretty good kick for decaf. Thanks for the idea in trying it.

      PS: I will also try a small amount in sun tea this summer. Why not?

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  5. Hah, I'm totally laughing at the story about the guy with the soccer ball. Boys are such fools (but then again, so are women). I'm thinking there's something behind that arranged marriage thing too

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    1. Gosh Rooth, you should hear some of the other things that some guys have done to get my attention. And yes, I'm equally (if not more) foolish. Makes for great story telling though... most of mine begin with "Remember that time I was stalking..." LOL!

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  6. Marriage is a great way to debunk all the incorrect perceptions and illusions we have of the other person. That's not to say that you will necessarily be dissapointed, but rather to say that you should have realistic expectations, and not let the outward fool you. Expectations and attitude can make or break you, so be wise in the way you think...

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    1. Expectations ruin us Dreamlife. They take what is supposed to be simple and uncomplicated and tend to make mountains out of molehills. Yeah I agree 100%. I haven't ruled out moving to a cave and devoting my life to The Almighty though.

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  7. love your personal style. I do Audrey Hepburn and sometimes J Lo. the butt is there for a reason i suppose. lol.
    yep. the onus is on them. usually when i like a guy for sure and know he likes me too, i make the moves.
    i mean i've made :p
    no regrets.

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    1. I do have a certain edge but mostly, I love Classic style. And I like looking like a respectable lady when I step out of the house. But gosh, I can't be bothered when I'm at home and I'm usually a mess then. I don't make moves (not anymore ;P).

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    2. Is Jaya talking about the butt, Az? I've recently been branded Blue Butt Man... I'm not sure I should be happy with such a title...

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  8. I bought my daughter a t-shirt that reads, "I may look nice to you, but I've already killed you three times in my mind". I realize that's not what you're saying. However "love is a battlefield".

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    1. Battlefield indeed LL. I find that as I get older, I get more tired though. And I'm less inclined to want to fight it out.

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  9. Lovely.

    "all they see is a perfectly made up flawless facade, with the painted face and immaculate hair and the clothes and the shoes"

    I think I would freeze and lose all my powers of speech, never mind wit.

    I always was a slow courter, taking time to show those qualities which compensated for those lacking. Obviously the latter are/were more superficial than the former. Otherwise it would have been a crap strategy . . . .

    It's always, as I tell my daughter, the net balance that counts and this takes time to weigh. They've taken this so much to heart that now - out of the dross of modern manhood - they can't find a diamond, despite have the looks of their beautiful mother.

    I can't imagine ever trying to show off (eg with a football) in front of a woman I'd never met.

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  10. Damn. " . . . despite having . . ."

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    1. Colin, I find that the majority (not all, but certainly most) men in the under 30 age range are definitely found wanting... not at all the caliber of their predecessors.

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    2. You share the problem with my 2 daughters, both bedevilled by men who don't want to commit to marriage and children. Anything in fact. This seems to be a generational problem. In shot, I guess they don't feel they need to to get what they want. And they don't have biological clocks ticking away.

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  11. The older I get the more I see no difference between a normal marriage and an arranged one, your chances are about the same.

    Our ability to accept others as is, to recognise our own shortcomings. and to show others its ok to love imperfectly as well as perfectly.

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    1. I find those two are our biggest obstacles Aasia - Expectations and Acceptance (or lack thereof). In these times, everything is a gamble... and things that mattered before like background and status etc don't guarantee that a couple will remain committed for the long haul.

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  12. First off, never *ever* feel sorry for men. Especially not for having to express interest in a person. I suspect you already know this, but are hedging the words so they're not quite as harsh.

    Sometimes, you can think of it not so much as "men being expected to make the first move" but as "men feeling entitled to make a move on a woman." The source and intention changes when you switch some words around. It's tricky.

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    1. LOL Iris! I do find that the more things have "changed" - the more they have stayed the same (or become worse over the years).

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  13. hilarious! and then there are those guys that freeze and are suddenly incapable of moving an inch or saying a word lol strangely enough that's what I've experienced the most.

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    1. I would rather have him freeze Nuraan, then be rude... some guys think being rude to others (like waiters or whoever is serving them) will get them the attention they crave - and it does, but just not the right kind of attention ;)

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  14. oh dear Az what difficult, but marriage, love, sex arent easy, and sometimes I only want be in peace (maybe is the age LOL) but I understand you of course, sometimes Im little crazy but Im more quiet now.
    Really I would love you find a lovely man that feel you crazy and all the thing LOL !:)

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    1. For the first time ever I have to disagree with you, Gloria Dear...
      1. Marriage is easy if you know you you decided to marry;
      2. Love is easy if you're willing to share;
      3. Sex is the easiest of the three - when you're an adult.

      :)

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  15. I agree Gloria, it's not easy. And I wish I had your knowledge and wisdom on life :) Abrazos!

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  16. Azra - the flaws and cracks and all that malarkey that hides behind the painted face are the bits I love. Plus these are the bits anyone worthy of such a stylish Goddess like yourself, should love. Quite frankly, I'm proud of you for demanding to be liked back!

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    1. I couldn't agree more. And since I've got more flaws and cracks than a priest on Monday, there's a whole lot of me to love. ;)

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  17. Shut up and like me back. I like that.

    How come grown men think raising their voice or playing with their balls - did you say basket ball? - will impress a woman? Dear Lord...

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    1. Well, it turns out Randy, that some men never grow up! :P

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  18. I wouldn't mind having women make the first move on me. :P

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    1. Yes DWei, but would you take them seriously?

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  19. damnit i thought women ALWAYS knew. this changes everything!

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  20. I am all for the "I liked him and that there was nothing he could do about that, and that he had no choice in the matter." scenario. It's true! I suppose there is an unspoken request to be liked back, but unfortunately even when the object of our affection doesn't not like us back, their feelings don't usually change ours.

    You are a stunningly beautiful woman. I can imagine that you run into these awkward situations regularly!

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    1. Oh Angie *blush*, if only I "ran into" the right one!

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