So, I don't believe that anyone can really predict the future. We can speculate and even guess, but no one really knows. And yes sometimes, horoscopes seem accurate or applicable - but anyone can be vague and dispense ambiguous, arbitrary and sometimes obvious information - like: you're going to urinate in the next 12 hours.
But but but... because I'm sensitive to such things, I also believe in energy i.e. cosmically and universally... like tension, and conflict, and change. And I believe that these energies do not only exist, but were created by The Almighty and are governed by Him. I also believe that there are certain traits and characteristics that are shared by people born around the same time. Of course, no two people are completely 100% alike and sometimes, people don't match their signs completely - but there are just some qualities and similarities that are undeniable.
That said, I came across this a few weeks ago. It's a sarcastic take on the traditional horoscope profiles, but it's so funny, I almost DIED laughing. So check out yours or a friends' and tell me what you think. Warning, somewhat explicit language. Listed from the beginning of the year:
Aquarius (January 20 -February 18)
They’re all mad, of course. You might think Aquarians are aloof, but they only seem that way because they’re actually insane. They come across as unorthodox, even unique, but that’s just their way of conning you into thinking they’re not mentally deranged.
Whimsical, eccentric, innovative and unpredictable are words often used to describe Aquarians. These are also words often used by psychiatrists to describe gibbering wrecks in straitjackets and padded cells who will never again see the light of day, poor bastards. Everything an Aquarian thinks, feels and does can be explained with one simple phrase: “because they’re fucking nuts”.
Sure, they’re different – but Aquarians are mistaken in thinking this somehow makes them special.
In social situations, Aquarians are most comfortable in a crowd, doing their social butterfly thing. This is because (like all lunatics) they have an extremely low attention span, and the thought of a protracted one-on-one with any conscious entity that’s not one of their many hallucinations disturbs them greatly. Deep, personal conversations are the Aquarian’s natural social enemy, so if this is what you expect from your friends, you’ve come to the wrong place.
But if you’re okay with being friends with a goofball you’ll never, ever understand and who will dump you if you try to get too close, you’ll be fine. Stick to arcane subjects, like what would an escalator flavoured ice-cream taste like. If this madness is too much for you, try a few board games. This is the best way to appear to be communicating without actually saying anything.
Remember: Aquarians care more about their pets than they’ll ever care about you.
Aquarians are most comfortable as a group leader, which is the exact opposite of how the rest of the group will feel. They make horrible bosses: convinced of their own unique superiority, they naturally expect unquestioning subservience, and if they don’t get it, they are more than cruel and temperamental enough to make everyone’s life a living Hell.
So perhaps Aquarians are best working alone, for example a night guard in a morgue, or as a researcher who listens for radio signals from outer space. They could also find success as conceptual artists, making meaningless sculptures out of discarded junk and giving it names like “Transformation 3”. Then when anyone asks what it means, they can respond, “It means whatever you want it to mean.” Because it has no meaning, you see. And they’re batshit insane.
Oh, dear. You’re in trouble. Sure, Aquarians are an attractive bunch, and can be very sweet when it suits them, but don’t expect them to fall in love with you the way you might fall in love with them. You will always be dissatisfied. If they ever say, “I love you,” (and they may never say it at all), they are merely expressing their love for you as a member of the human race. They love the concept of humanity more than they will ever love an actual human. So perhaps it’s for the best if you don’t take it personally.
As for sex, Aquarians are experimental partners, whether you like it or not. Expect to be used, played with like a cat plays with a half dead mouse, and tested on every front. It can be scary, but don’t think of this as a bad thing. In fact, it can be freaking awesome. Just go with the flow, try not to cry, and learn to accept the fact that you’ll never be in control – let alone know what’s going on.
Pisces (February 19 -March 20)
Pisceans like to think of themselves as complex, spiritual, sensitive souls, with a rare depth that draws them to focusing on life’s inner journey, rather than the mundane banalities of the material world we live in. But in fact, they all just scatter-brained space cadets with their proverbial heads up their own asses.
With so much attention to their own emotions, you’d expect Pisceans to be amazing psychologists, or, at the very least, not quite so emotionally stupid. But unfortunately, they are. Pisceans suck at the only thing they know how to do.
Pisceans have a reputation for being excellent listeners, but if you look closely at their glassy eyes focussed on the air particles in the middle distance, you’ll see that the drone of your monologue has put them into a semi-catatonic state.
They’ll snap out of it the moment you stop talking and say something like, “so how do you feel about that?” without having heard a word you just said.
Because of this Pisceans are lousy conversationalists who have to rely on quoting other people and describing scenes from movies they liked to fill the verbal void. If you eventually tire of your Piscean friend and unceremoniously dump them (and it’s highly you will), try not to worry about the fact that they’ll continue to hold a grudge against you long after you’re dead. Pisceans are too weak and ineffective to ever carry out their psychotic revenge fantasies.
Often absent-minded and disorganised, Pisceans are mostly lousy in a position of authority. Or a position of subservience.
Or anywhere near your office, come to think of it. But they have a natural desire to succeed in whatever the Hell their hare-brained ambition may be, so some Pisceans may find their calling in running their own small business (probably into the ground) with a small staff of like-minded airheads.
The ideal job for a Piscean would be working on an empty space station, where their only job is to monitor the air toxicity levels, and alert the authorities of any danger by dying. Unfortunately, jobs like this are hard to come by, so it looks like we’re stuck with keeping Pisceans on Earth.
Seriously? You actually want to shag one of these creatures? Well, OK, each to their own, I suppose. And nobody can blame you, because Pisceans, despite themselves, are what Woody Allen would call “densely populated”. Sluts, in other words.
For some unfathomable reason, Pisceans seem to get laid more than most. In unrelated news, the world is full of stupid people.
The impressive number of notches on the Piscean’s bedpost might have something to do with their natural polysexuality.
In other words, they’ll fuck anything that moves, as well as a few things that don’t move until they start fucking it. But although they are extremely experimental, they don’t really like sex all that much.
They’ll often try something once (for example, YOU), then unceremoniously dump it to try something else they’ll probably hate. After exhausting all their options, many Pisceans realise they’re better off living an asexual lifestyle.
So if you ever find yourself in a long term relationship with one of these scatterbrains, expect most of your intimacy to be played out in your silly little heads.
Ariens are friendly, social creatures with amazing people skills, a magnetic smile, and a dungeon behind a false wall in their home in which they torture small animals and drink blood out of the skulls of their enemies. Of course I’m speaking metaphorically here. Mostly.
Megalomaniacal at the best of times, every Arien’s first regret is that they were not the obstetrician at their own birth.
Totally convinced that they are, and deserve to be, the leader of everyone in everything they do, Ariens would be our planet’s evil overlords if they weren’t so goddamn drunk the whole time.
You know that person at the house party who forces everyone to wear a silly hat and form a Conga line? And then takes pictures of you looking like a dork and posts it on Facebook? That’s your typical Arien friend.
In friendship, Ariens are typically attracted to weak-willed, emotional retards they can twist around their little fingers, then discard like a cat swiping away a mouse’s corpse when they get bored. Not that they’ll necessarily do this, of course. An Arien will be a fantastic friend – possibly the best friend you’ll ever have, until you try to tell them what to do. Then it’s mouse corpse time.
Try not to rely too heavily on your Arien friend. They’ll make plans with you, then cancel at the last minute. And if they don’t, they’ll show up two hours late. Ariens are late for everything, because deep down they don’t believe you even exist until they arrive and “see” you back into reality. Well, the only reality that counts, anyway.
There’s an old saying that goes, “Never stand between an asshole and their goal”. Well, that saying only exists because someone misspelled Arien.
Where most people work for money, love of the job or just something to do, Ariens work for one reason and one reason only: to crush the rest of us under their steel-capped boots. Not in a sly, premeditated, backstabbing way, though. Ariens are compulsive, lightning fast face-stabbers. So you’ll see them coming, but by then it’ll already be too late.
Your best bet in this situation is to hope that your Arien overlord’s attention deficit disorder kicks in and they get bored of crushing your puny soul. This shouldn’t take long. They only started ruining your career on an impulsive whim, anyway.
Your Arien colleague doesn’t want to be your boss: they just want you and everyone else to know that they’re the best. Once that’s established, it’s time for lots and lots of drinks.
If you’re looking for a relationship that’s peaceful, gentle and predictable, and find yourself shacked up with an Arien, the best advice anyone can offer you is RUN. Because before you know it you’ll be tied to the bedposts wearing a batman mask, covered in candle wax and wondering how what seemed like a normal Sunday afternoon turned out this way.
But there will be times you can’t walk without limping. Consider yourself warned.
Ariens are easily bored, and live for excitement. But don’t worry: your relationship is safe, so long as you can maintain the energy of a clown at a children’s party until one of you (mercifully) dies.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Fat, lazy and hedonistic by instinct, Taureans left to their own devices are the sign most likely to drop out of society to live a shoeless existence in a wigwam on a communal farm with a whole bunch of other dreadlocked losers.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. With the right encouragement, Taureans can overcome their disdain for authority and their inability to lead anything sentient, and live a quiet, grey little life as a cubicle slave, crunching numbers and pushing papers. But don’t feel bad for them: in both scenarios, the nondescript little Taurean would be perfectly happy, so long as they make enough money to buy cheese.
Taureans also have a creative side – if you consider needlepoint, finger painting and making jam creative.
The typical Taurean could fit all their friends into a small room (or wigwam) – and they often do. They are passionately loyal, friends-for-life types, and will continue to hang out with people in their tight social circle decades after realising they don’t even like them very much.
This is partly because they’re inherently neurotic, but also because they’re terrified of change. Luckily, Taureans are sweet, friendly and excellent hosts – so their oldest friends will never suspect that their Taurean buddy has secretly been thinking for years that they’re an asshole.
They’re not big social butterflies, so if you’ve recently managed to bag yourself a Taurus friend, congratulations! Expect to be mothered, protected and fed ‘til the end of your days. I hope you like neck rubs and cake.
Nobody really likes work, but few dislike work as much as the typical Taurean. This is because they’re not only pathologically lazy, but also because they’re not very good at it. They also hate being told what to do – a problem that will plague them for their entire professional life, since they suck so badly at leadership.
It all seems pretty hopeless, until you remember that Taureans are both terrified of poverty, and extremely anally retentive about minor details that nobody else cares about. These traits may seem like faults, but they’re practically a job requirement for accountants and other bean counters. Hopefully, they’ll hate spending company money as much as they hate spending their own.
It should come as no surprise by now that Taureans are as old-fashioned as their grandparents in matters of the heart and crotch. Your relationship with your Taurean partner will start off very slowly – and pretty much stay at that pace until you’re both old and decrepit. Then it’ll slow down some more. Here’s hoping one of you actually notices when the other one dies.
But while Taureans are lacking in the kink department, they more than make up for it in terms of stamina. While most of us are falling back onto our crumpled, sweaty sheets in a state of exhausted bliss, Taureans are just getting their second wind.
They can go at it like porn stars for hours on end. OK, it would probably be the most boring porn you’ve ever seen, but so long as nobody is filming or watching, everyone’s happy.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Here’s the problem with a dual personality disorder. Firstly, it’s a disorder (most Geminians tend to forget this when blabbing on and on ad infinitum about themselves); and secondly, the result of this disorder isn’t two personalities – it’s two half personalities.
Unfortunately, much like two 8 year olds don’t make a 16 year old, two halves don’t always make a whole. Geminians are tragically incomplete. Twice.
Despite their many differences of opinion, a Geminian is mostly a compatible couple (remember, we’re talking about a single person here). And it’s fortunate they get along so well with themselves, because they annoy the Hell out of everyone else. Geminians aren’t paranoid – people really are out to get them. And they deserve it.
Nothing will ever test your listening skills as exhaustively as your Gemini friend. Nothing.
They practically turn listening into an extreme sport. You could try to forgive them with the excuse that they’re speaking for two, but ultimately, their loquaciousness will stress you out to the point that you’ll get your shrink to book you off on sick leave for a couple of months so you can take a holiday – preferably alone, in some remote location without electricity.
But that’s okay. Geminians don’t need company for conversation, and will happily babble away until you get back, picking out titbits of random trivia from their cluttered mind (Geminians are information hoarders, so abandon all hope they’ll ever run out of things to say). They’re sweetie-pies, of course, and fun to be around, but holy crap, that motor mouth… Invest in earplugs.
It seems common sense to assume Geminians would find their niche in sales, politics, or as religious leaders, where talking bullshit to a captive audience is a job requirement. But these professions require a single-mindedness that scatter-brained Geminians couldn’t even fake.
They’re cerebral (sometimes even intellectual), and love to wallow in useless information, but too capricious for most steady jobs, so they would probably do quite well in research, collecting data, or being a nutty professor that invents useless contraptions that always fail, much to the amusement of small children. Geminians are best working alone. Not because they’re the solitary types (far from it), but because they’re intensely annoying.
Fickle and easily bored, it’s hard for a Geminian to take anything too seriously – which works out just great, because nobody takes Geminiums too seriously either, especially in matters of the heart and crotch.
They go through lovers like a hypochondriac though vitamin pills – not because they’re promiscuous, but because they keep getting dumped. On the one hand, Geminians want a traditional old-fashioned relationship with all its white picket fence trimming. On the other, they want their freedom.
They passionately argue for both, verbosely and continually, until their partner gives up and leaves, and once again the Geminian goes off to talk the ears off their friends about every tiny detail of this latest failure.
A Geminian’s soul mate will have to be willing to be dominated, and (does it need to be mentioned?) a good listener. With the right relationship magic, sex can be… well… so-so. They’re not exactly adventurous, or passionate, or kinky. They don’t even like oral sex all that much, because it means they’ll have to stop talking.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Cancerians have mother issues that make Oedipus seem well-adjusted. They either want to marry their mothers, creep back into her womb where it's all nice and warm, or kill her. This usually depends on the phase of the Moon at the time. Cancerians are very affected by the Moon. And the planet Mars. And just about anything, really. Sensitive little wimps.
Cancerians are old fashioned and conservative at heart, just like Jack the Ripper was. Prone to bigoted, judgmental behaviour, it takes very little for a Cancerian to decide to hate you for ever and ever and ever.
Cancerians are born with a bi-polar disorder, and sulk for approximately two thirds of their life.
Cancerians are loving, caring and sensitive, and if you make friends with them, they'll stick to you like shit to a blanket for the rest of your life. The only way to get rid of them is with a restraining order.
They love their friends very, very much. And, when I say "love", I mean "depend on" - deeply. They need constant emotional support and have the uncanny ability to turn everyone they meet into their own personal wet nurse. They won't rest until all your closest friends are their closest friends, and are quite prepared to whine and sulk and break things to achieve their objectives.
They are generous to a fault - a seriously creepy, backing-away-really-slowly kind of fault. They'll give you things constantly, and expect nothing in return - so long as you define all your time and emotional energy as “nothing”.
Cancerian friends are the most likely to show up outside your house at two in the morning with a bottle of wine and a Monopoly set. You could call this being quirky, but you'd be better off just calling the police.
Cancerians are creative dreamers, and while this sounds great on paper, what it really amounts to is an almost psychotic form of laziness. They’ll come up with great ideas, but expect you to implement them. And if you tell them they’re lazy, they’ll sob quietly to themselves until you cradle their head in your bosom and feed them chocolate cookies.
Unlike most of us, Cancerians don’t work for money: they work for the means to buy alcohol and chocolate. Don’t expect an ambitious corporate ladder climber when hiring a Cancerian. If you’re paying them enough to keep their fridge full of fat-laden goodies, they’ve already achieved their career goal in life.
Living with a Cancerian lover is like being a warden in a mental institution where it's encouraged to fuck your patient.
They love pampering and being pampered. Constant affection is essential in a relationship with one of these creatures. If they feel they're not getting enough attention, they'll let you know by not talking to you for weeks. If you ask them what's wrong, they won't tell you. Instead, they'll burst out crying and immediately develop an eating disorder.
When not drunk and/or sulking, Cancerians are great in bed. This is because they are passionate, and put lots of emotional energy into their lovemaking. They're generally very good at oral sex, because their mother fixation makes them unusually adept at sucking things, like genitals, cigarettes and your very soul.
Leo (July23 - August 22)
Leos are so utterly convinced that the sun shines out of their butts that it never occurs to them that the rest of the world doesn’t feel exactly the same way. Egotistical to the point of delusional, Leos strut through life as if it were a ticker tape parade held in their honour. You could tell them “nobody cares”, but that would be futile.
It’s not that they won’t believe you – they’re simply unable to hear anything that doesn’t prescribe to their megalomaniacal world view. It would be like talking to a brick wall that thinks it’s better than you.
Leos don’t have friends: they have entourages of loyal subjects. At least, that’s what they think they have. Leos will like you the most when you listen to them speak and appear to fully agree with their often outlandish opinions on subjects they know nothing about.
Don’t try to argue with them. Leos suck at arguing, because they haven’t internalised the possibility that their opinion isn’t the only one in the universe. Contest a Leo’s point of view, and they’ll stare at you as if you’ve suddenly started talking in fluent Klingon.
But despite everything, Leos can be great friends. They’ll stick by you, whether you want them to or not, they make for reliable sidekicks when you’re trying to pick someone up in a bar, and of course, they really like getting drunk, which makes them less likely to cut in on your action (which they totally would do if they weren’t so stupid drunk most of the time).
It doesn’t matter if the Leo in your workplace is the CEO or the junior janitor on probation – they still think and act as if they’re your superior.
A Leo is only happy in a position of authority, and takes a “fake it ‘til you make it” approach to their goals. So be nice to your Leo colleague, whatever their rung in the corporate ladder may be. They’re probably more ambitious than you, and it might be only a matter of time before they’re in a perfect position to crap directly onto your head.
Leos hate being told what to do, and get around this little hurdle by pretending they were going to do whatever they were told to do anyway.
They live in this delusional state until they’re in charge, then rule their little kingdom like a benign dictator. Leo bosses are generally very easy to get along with because their inflated egos are too fragile to cope with being disliked.
For a Leo, every sexual encounter is an experiment to test how awesome you think they are. Whatever you do, don’t fail this test. If you’re in a permanent relationship with your Leo partner, they’ll take it as a sign that they should dump you before you shatter their ego and dump them.
If it’s a less than serious relationship, you may never see them naked again.
But don’t expect fireworks: your Leo isn’t very adventurous in bed (and extremely unlikely to do the deed anywhere else). They are terrified of failure (it’s a pride thing), so they’re loathe to try anything new.
The positive spin on this is that they can become extremely good on the few things they dodo, so you can expect a happy, albeit extremely boring sex life.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
It’s extremely tempting to simply write the word “nit-picky” 500 times and leave it at that, but receiving thousands of angry, hysterical emails from hypochondriacs with tragic self-esteem issues isn’t nearly as fun as it sounds.
So here it goes:
To say Virgoans have a mental block with the whole sense of humour thing is a gigantic understatement. To illustrate this by example, I know a Virgoan (and I swear this is true) who watched the wacky comedy movie Top Secret without even realising that it was a comedy.
This humourlessness can be overcome with corrective training, but what’s the point? They’re mostly destined to become accountants anyway.
Virgoans are the project managers of social interaction. Control-freaks to the core, they dive into new friendships with a disconcerting alacrity. They’ll organise get-togethers, do favours and phone for a friendly chat at intervals so regular that you could set your watch to their calls.
Virgoans could plot the development of their friendships using graphs and pie charts. They quietly congratulate themselves after every small thing they do for you – and if that sounds a bit sinister, it’s because it is.
It’s only on the surface thatVirgoanare great (and useful) friends – but what you first see isn’t all you’ll ultimately get. Beneath their sweet veneer lurks hyper-critical monster, obsessively on the lookout for any slight to their fragile self-esteem. When that happens, expect all Hell to breaks loose, and you’ll suddenly find yourself working just as hard on the friendship as your Virgoan.
Well accountancy, obviously. But Virgoans have a tendency to slave-drive themselves in whatever field they choose with a passion that most of us only reserve for sex and trying not to die – so they usually do pretty well for themselves, and are only held back from climbing all the way to the top by their colourless personalities.
Virgoans love to organise the tiny, seemingly insignificant things, such as their desk, your desk, the minutiae of their lives, and will happily meddle in the minutiae of yours, unless you apply a corrective slap to the side of their head.
They think they can do anything better than anyone, and will stand over your shoulder, condescendingly criticising your every move while their own office catches fire because they forgot to turn off the heater again.
If you fall for a Virgoan and you know you’re not a perfect partner, don’t worry. The love of your life specialises in human fixer-uppers, and won’t stop renovating your very soul, not ever. You see, your Virgoan knows how to live your life better than you.
Deep down, they think they could do better at being you than you. So expect lots of demonstrations and lectures on subjects such as how to fold a dishcloth, how to talk to your friends and how to tell them you’re sorry you’re wrong and will never ever do it again.
Your main task in the relationship will be to tell them over and over again how much you love them. Do this well, and you’ll be rewarded in the bedroom. Virgoans in love have a selfless approach to sex, satisfying themselves by satisfying their partners. Try not to worry too much whether they are enjoying it as much as you – that’s simply not how Virgoans roll.
Just be sure to give them a high mark when they ask you rate their performance on a scale of one to ten and fill in a brief questionnaire.
Libra (September 23 - October 23)
It’s interesting to note that Libra is the only sign in the zodiac represented by an inanimate object (the other 11 are all living things). Librans might think that this is an indicator of their uniqueness, but since there’s absolutely nothing special about them, it serves better as an indicator of their abject indolence.
Seriously, Librans could make a tree sloth look like a workaholic. But infuriatingly, Librans seem to do well in everything without even trying.
They’re disgustingly good looking, for one thing. And because they have no personality of their own, they’re excellent social chameleons who can take on the personality of the most powerful (or most shaggable) person in the room. They like to think that they’re balanced and objective; others may think that they’re indecisive.
Actually, they don’t have a single opinion of their own.
If you’re looking for a deep, meaningful relationship (platonic or otherwise) with a loyal person who will be there for you for many years to come, welcome! It’s great to see you here, but you’re totally in the wrong place.
But your disorientation is completely understandable. Librans are magnetic – sexy, even – and exude a charm that many mistake for sincerity and depth. But anyone truly seeking these qualities in another soon deserts the Libran, because deep down, they’re all very, very shallow.
As a rule of thumb, if you’ve had a Libran in your life for more than five years, and they’re not a direct relative, you’re probably just as shallow as they are.
And good for you if you are! It’s the Libran’s shallowness that allow them to lead such a charmed life, and hopefully some of that will rub off on you.
In a word, no. Librans don’t like work. They don’t like it a LOT. But unfortunately, most of us don’t live in a world where we can sit on our butts all day sipping cocktails and watching the pretty flowers grow.
So Librans fall back on their two basic skills to earn a living: their appreciation of pretty, shiny things, and the ability to charm the pants off anyone (sometime literally).
Not to imply that Librans would make good prostitutes – that would be too icky-poo for them. But they are at home as designers, artists, hairdressers or any job where they get to say, “Ooh, isn’t that gorgeous” a lot. Their silky charm, indecisiveness and unwillingness to do anything meaningful is the perfect skillset for a career in politics.
As much as Librans love sex, they never break their golden rule: don’t sleep with ugly people. Even if they’re drunk, desperate and lonely, and the barman has just called last rounds, Librans would rather go home alone than hook up with a warm body that doesn’t meet their aesthetic requirements. Librans are also the fastest friend-zoners in the world.
It takes them less than a second to size you up and classify you, and not even a zombie apocalypse is going to get you out.
But if you’re fortunate enough to be as pretty as they are, you’re in for a fun ride - if you can keep up. Even in a loving relationship, Librans like to fuck as if they were in a porn movie. In fact, that’s probably exactly what they’re fantasising about when they’re doing you.
Scorpio (October 24 - November 22)
Scorpios like to think of themselves as mysterious, alluring, darkly sexual and brimming with barely contained power. But the simple truth is that Scorpios are the most self-deluded, narcissistic douche-nozzles on the planet.
When they think they’re being mysterious they’re actually being annoying; they admire their own dark magnetic sexuality, which is actually just perverse, disgusting and nasty; and the brooding power they so enjoy bragging about only exists in their spiteful minds.
Sure, they might sometimes try to exact cruel revenge on their enemies, but it’s nothing that can’t be put to an immediate halt with a swift kick in the crotch.
They’re all bastards.
Scorpios are too sociopathic to have any actual friends in the sense of the word that you or I understand it, but they can do a pretty good imitation of being your friend when it suits their needs. Unlike most people, Scorpios don’t acquire and maintain friendships to enrich their lives. For them, friends are like a social “beard” that allows them to blend in with the rest of society undetected.
Your Scorpio friend is arrogant, self-centred and contemptuously bored by almost everything you say.
They get away with not listening to conversation by responding in clichés as meaningless to them as they are to you; and when the boredom overwhelms them, they’ll feel no guilt in interrupting your harrowing story about your spouse’s death last week with some banal anecdote about how good they are at parallel parking.
Scorpios love being in a position of power. They don’t have to be the top boss – they just have to be in a position where they can make at least one other person’s life miserable. Scorpios rarely rise all the way to the top of the corporate ladder because they are disruptive, inconsistent, easily bored, and too many of their colleagues think they’re complete assholes.
They think of themselves as indispensible, but come restructuring time, they’re often the most likely to get fired. Ideal careers for Scorpios include being a terrorist, torturer, or one of the villain’s henchmen in a James Bond movie who gets shot in the face after five seconds of screen time.
Obviously, all Scorpios think they’re sex gods, and that everyone they meet wants to shag them senseless.They are extremely kinky – not because they enjoy kinky sex, but because they want to impress their partner with how kinky they are. This is just another way Scorpios tend to imitate real people.
This, and the fact that Scorpios love sex more than they love whoever they happen to be having sex with, doesn’t make for a very pleasant experience. In fact, it can be downright disturbing. Expect complicated role play that will simultaneously confuse and degrade you.
If you see ropes and/or handcuffs, accept the fact that you’re going to be the one getting tied up, and quietly pray that your Scorpio lover bothers to untie you afterwards.
And even if the sex seems normal and loving to you, don’t be too surprised when you get kicked out of bed and told to go home a few seconds after your Scorpio reaches orgasm. Just be thankful that you got out of there in one piece, and the damage is only psychological.
Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21)
The Sag personality is particularly difficult to write about because they don’t exactly provide much source material.
It is said that Sags are knowledge seekers, but in truth, they’re personality seekers. They’re not looking for wisdom – just information to fill the gap where their personalities should be.
They’ll read books that people they admire recommend and pretend to like them, while secretly wondering what all the fuss is about. They can sit through the scariest horror movie or weepiest drama and remain completely untouched – because there’s nothing to touch.
Sags make for good, albeit formulaic friends. They’re not exactly the life of the party, and their conversation is often trivial and boring, but they’re reliable, honest and won’t try to exact a horrible revenge on you if you dump them for being blander than boiled rice.
But be warned: Sags can be extremely opinionated on subjects they know nothing about, or have completely misunderstood due to their Asperger’s-like grip on reality.
Try to correct them, and their stubbornness kicks in, and a Sag standing their ground can be blunt to the point of cruel. If they lose their cool, all their carefully studied social skills is instantly forgotten, and they start acting exactly like the boring, know-it-all, no-nothings that they actually are.
Then, when the smoke has cleared, they’ll be genuinely sorry that they insulted you. And although they’ll apologise sincerely and profusely, they’ll secretly wonder why you were so offended when they told you that your love life is a disaster because you dress like a whore.
Sags can be hard workers who enjoy what they do, but are too often let down by the fact that they’re not very good at anything. Understandably, this can easily lead to frustration, boredom and substance abuse.
A bored Sag is very susceptible to developing habits that can only result in death or rehab.
But although Sags aren’t the best choice for getting something done, they can excel at talking about getting things done: planning, delegating and motivating teams of people who are actually far more qualified than they.
Their often delusional ego and blind faith in their own half-baked conceits can be contagious - so long as they can keep their cool when someone points out that their stupid idea is stupid, of course.
If a Sag falls in love with you, consider it a bad indictment on your character. Sags have an uncanny ability to hone in on the most unsuitable romantic prospect in a 20km radius, and brutally friend-zoning anyone who could make them a happy, fulfilled human being.
Your Sag only wants to be with you because you’re a tragic enabler, supporting their fundamentally flawed ideas about the world around them, pandering to their destructive whims and stroking their misplaced egos.
Your Sag would never admit it, but deep down, they know that your most attractive quality is your spinelessness.
As for the sex… well, it’s not great. Just be thankful it exists. And if your Sag lover is still awake when it’s over, consider it a victory.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
Anally retentive to the point of an obsessive compulsive disorder, capricorns do everything in an steady and methodological manner. So it should come as no surprise that unless they do something drastic that goes against their most basic instincts, Capricorns are destined to be the most boring people you’ve ever met in your life.
Capricorns are almost autistic: they are out of touch with their own, as well as everyone else’s feelings. They’re positively Victorian, if not Vulcan in their disdain for worldly pleasures, and look down on anyone who thinks otherwise.
The best way to win a Capricorn’s approval is to work 18 hour days, eating nothing but gruel, and wearing lice-infested sackcloth.
It should come as no surprise that Capricorns aren’t exactly people people. Their immediate reaction on meeting someone new is to disapprove of them. Don’t bother going out of your way to impress them. They’ll just notice you’re making an extra effort and disapprove of that too. It’s ironic then that they’re mortified by any form of social rejection.
This goes against everything they know and love about themselves.
If you’re friends with a Capricorn, you’ve accepted the fact that they are always going to look down on you, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do to change that.
You can always rely on your Capricorn friend to pour icy water on your fire should you appear too happy for their liking. Tell your Capricorn you’ve just won the Lotto, and they’ll remind you of Lotto winners who lost their fortune and killed themselves.
Tell them you’ve written a novel and they’ll remind you that the novel is a dead art form. They’re great at dishing out practical advice though. Stick to subjects with which you have no emotional connection, and you’ll be fine.
This is the area in which Capricorns excel. If we rounded up all Capricorns, and relocated them to work cubicles in huge faceless buildings on the outskirts of cities so that they could eke out the rest of their days, divorced from society, crunching numbers and pushing papers, the world would be a better place for all.
If you’ve suddenly started thinking about the goblin clerks at Gringott’s Wizarding Bank in Harry Potter, you’re well on your way to understanding Capricorns in the workplace.
Obsessively fastidious, precise and unfailingly reliable, Capricorns are excellent workers, but much to their dismay, they’re terrible leaders. Aloof, miserly and as inflexible as Adamantium, Capricorn leaders stand on the divide between obnoxious and evil. They also have all the creativity of a dying houseplant, and despise creativity in others.
In an Orwellian society, Capricorns would be the Thought Police.
Since they seem about as passionate as rising damp, you can be forgiven for thinking that you can count the number of times a Capricorn has had sex by counting their children.
But Capricorns are practical folk, and know that sex is a necessary ritual if they want to keep their partners and/or raise a family. So they learn to enjoy sex, in much the same way that a murderous sociopath learns to be charming.
Capricorns don’t do one night stands, and if they did, they would never, ever admit it. Not even to themselves. If you’re desperate to bed a Capricorn, the only way you’ll get there is to embark on a long, serious relationship with them.
Rest assured, the relationship will be very, very serious, and although it won’t last forever, that’s exactly what it will feel like.