Tuesday, 4 June 2013

Diary of an Addict

One step forward and at least three back. That's my life. Although, sometimes, it feels more like TEN back. That's how I feel lately. Especially at work. Going in circles...

And then somewhere along the way, I picked up this nasty habit... a penchant for grocery shopping. Not just any shopping... GROCERY shopping. Gosh, what the hell is happening to me?? As someone who notoriously hates the "S" word; and the act even more; I've become quite chummy with various aspects of it: shopping carts, the aisles, the options... they're like friends who welcome you to a party and they don't judge you.

Just this weekend I went out to buy some shampoo. Three hours, R884.65 and NO shampoo later, I  came home with this:
Turns out, I accidentally took two Conditioners instead of the normal combo. Story of my life. The psychology behind it is even more intriguing. The truth is that the shopping is nothing but a symptom of the problem. The fact is, I am an addict

When I encounter a stumbling block in my life, my natural self-defense mechanism kicks in and I distract myself with one of my silly addictions. Then I spend a significant amount of time trying to wean myself off it, trying to break the cycle of being addicted to that something or someone. And because we very rarely ever give up our addictions and only substitute them, I give up one addiction for another, much to the detriment of my credit card, my dignity and sometimes, my ear drums, and my sleeping patterns.

Sometimes the addiction isn't so bad... sometimes it's as simple as music... a lyric, a song, an album, an artist... and sometimes it entails losing myself in a good book or a movie - seemingly harmless.

But other times... my addictions only bring devastation. I have been addicted to chocolate in the past. As well as wheat and gluten - which I happen to be allergic to - wreaking all sorts of havoc with my health; that when I eventually made up my mind to give it up for good, it was akin to giving up crack, cold turkey. 

Sometimes I get addicted to being lonely, or sad. And I convince myself that it's meant to be like this and end up pushing people away because I think I want to be alone.

Then there are times I get addicted to the chase... and I love to love people who aren't available... like Adonis at work, and David Gandy, and William Levy... even though I know full well that there isn't a chance in HELL that it will ever come to pass - WITH the distinct knowledge that if by some sheer miracle William Levy did come knocking on my door, I'd probably throw up on him and hide in the closet. 

I'm addicted to living hypothetically... in dreams... in what-ifs... in what CAN be... in what should be... and much too often, in regret. I'm addicted to wasting time, losing myself in the ethereal, because reality is sometimes too much to bear. I'm addicted to the past, even though I've actually let it go. I'm addicted to the future - the anticipation of what will come... and no amount of real living in the present changes that. I'm addicted to the escape. 

I'm addicted to being an Addict. And I've decided that when all is said and done, it has to stop. It just has to. And with Ramadan around the corner, I've decided to start a little early by embarking on another kind of fast... a fast from my addictions. Well, a concerted effort is expected from myself, at the very least :)

41 comments:

  1. Just addicted to life, I guess. Not a bad complaint. It doesn't last long.

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    1. I don't think any of these addictions are good for my real life Colin. Hope it doesn't last!

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    2. What a coincidence that my elder daughter and you should each write a diary on the same day. Especially as each of you reminds me of the other. In writing at least. Oh and yes, she has VERY curly hair, hence the reference to the stuff I appended to my blog last night.
      www.colindavies.blogspot.com

      PS Who's addictions ARE good for their real life?

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  2. Congratulations, girl - all this means that you're a normal human being who's in touch with her feelings. Whatever I'm going through right now has contributed to my becoming an obsessive Candy Crush player on my phone - I'm thankful that it's at least free and won't mess up my body.

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    1. Roving Retorter - I hope that I can at least overcome some of the juvenile behaviors I've been partial to.

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  3. I never thought about my loneliness as an addiction. But after reading this I have to accept that I am an addict

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    1. It depends Shanique - ask yourself, do you like being lonely? And sad? Do you derive a sense of gratification from it?

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  4. '...the "S" word; and the act even more... Wait a minute... I had to read that again. ;)

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    1. You always have to take it there Grumps - no wonder your name is Randy lol!

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    2. Yep, I always hav to, I quote, 'take it there'. But you know it's all innocent talk. But I agree I was aptly named. Do you reckon I need help?

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  5. On a more serious note. Don't get addicted to being lonely, or sad. It's NOT the way things are meant to be. I know, look who's talking.

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    1. I know you're right Blue, but sometimes, it's hard to see straight.

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    2. I know it is. Let's have a drink and call it a beautiful day.

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  6. I have a really bad way of turning back to my coping mechanisms which include shopping, eating and spending lots of time alone as well. Are we twins??

    If you ever want to give not being lonely a shot, let me know. I'd love to chat :)

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    1. We must be soul twins Rooth... I love to chat all the time too. I'll pop you a mail :)

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  7. Shampoo is our friend...

    Usually, Azra, you are an oak and we all look up to you for it.

    If all you do is buy an extra bottle of shampoo or enjoy the act of shopping (like every single woman that I know), it's not the end of the world.

    You're still an oak - a stoic champion and a genuine person that we all love.

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    1. Thank you for the kind comments LL, if only I didn't want to shop my life away!

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    2. Just think of all the stuff that you'll have when the time comes to host a garage sale!

      The cup of water is either half full or half empty.

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  8. I'm addicted to living hypothetically... in dreams... in what-ifs... in what CAN be... in what should be... that sounds so familiar. not sure I'd call it an addiction, but I def have to do something about it too!!!

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    1. Well, I suspect that living in the "real world" will help Petra - problem is that the real world sucks. Now what to do?

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  9. I'm addicted to Azra! Yay, she's so adorable!

    Just this weekend I went out to buy some shampoo. Three hours, R884.65 and NO shampoo later, I came home with this. LOL - been there. Totally get the lost in ethereal of wonderment and possibilities. BUT IT'S NICE THERE!

    Meh...

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    1. So what have you bought lately that you don't need Jules?

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  10. Oh Az this happens to me sometimes (so Im an addict too??) Sometimes I go to groceries and I arrive like the other day with two adorables little cups for tea LOL (Is a secret because hubby say Im an addict :)) with kitchenware and sometimes I love shampoo, cosmetics, make up oh yeah. Im an addict too and love you so mch:)

    I think the Blue draw need boots what you think As??

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    1. Very funny, Gloria. And to think I wrote a beautifully delicate little rhyme for you... just to cheer you up. HERE

      And if you really want to know, dear, I gave my boots to Azzie so she could whip those donkeys over there who think they are men.

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    2. You're very funny Grumps, "donkey's who think they are men" - hahahahahaha. You are quite succinct (and accurate) there.

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  11. If it makes you feel any better I'm addicted to the Internet. I absolutely cannot go without it for any extended period of time without feeling comfortable. :(

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    1. I'm addicted to the Internet too DWei. I've since comforted myself with the fact that at least it's not meth-amphetamines.

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  12. I want to know what gives Jules the right to say what I was going to say..like she said ..."Meh"

    Dean

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    1. LOL Dean... great minds think alike eh?

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  13. 'Meh' is the new 'shit'. Wait, I can't right that. 'Meh' is the new 'Let's a have a drink.' (rereading) Yeah, that's about accurate. Now smile, damnit!

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    1. P.S. Right is the new write, right? I'm seriously getting mental...

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    2. You're currently sitting in Spain, on holiday, so you don't have to worry about going "mental" Grumps ;)

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  14. i try not to step into pharmacies or i'll end up buying all kinds of weird supplements and products. now i'm addicted to organic stores but i think it's doing me some good. but i've had bad addictions too. i smoked almost 40 cigs a day for 3 solid years. that was bad. i don't know...sometimes we have these phases. my latest addiction as of last week is Robin Thicke :p

    btw. i love Bio Oil. it's one of my miracle oils!
    how's your hair now? get us a pic of yourself :)

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    1. Hey Jaya :) It's better to be addicted to Robin Thicke then Cigarettes. I just cut my hair this weekend - it still has quite a bit of length to it, but it's significantly shorter at the same time. Will try to take a snap.

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  15. Holaaaaa Azra creo que todos somos adicto a una cosa,sentimiento o pensamiento no debe ser algo malo si nos controlamos un poco,pero sí hay adicciones que son dañinas,tambien tengo la mía especialmente de zapatos y chocolateeeeee,abrazos.

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    1. Hola Rosita :) esas son palabras sabias. Un Abrazo! xxx

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  16. When you considered all of the addictions available, I think that yours must be the most benign. After all, you've cured your chocolate craving (haven't you?).

    You could be addicted to fast cars, luxury yachts, private jets, oceanside villas, drugs, sex and rock and roll. Yet you limit yourself to a few items in the store. As I said before, YOU ARE AN OAK.

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    1. Ah thanks LL... the chocolate cravings come and go, but for the most part, they've been tamed :)

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  17. "I'm addicted to living hypothetically... in dreams... in what-ifs... in what CAN be... in what should be... and much too often, in regret. I'm addicted to wasting time, losing myself in the ethereal, because reality is sometimes too much to bear."

    Aw.

    Hugs!

    I think most of us are a little guilty of that. And I agree with LL that your addictions are benign...as long as they don't become malignant (whoa, could I BE more clunky?) then you'll be fiiiiine.

    And I love the idea that pre-Ramadan you'll have a fast from the addictions you don't like!

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    1. I've given it a good try Pretzel Thief - and I've been more successful than not. So at least it's a start ;)

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  18. You and I seem to have the very same addictions (though possibly substitute the chocolate for Doritos...). I've just gone through the lonely addiction phase recently...*sigh*. Not a good place to be.

    *hugs!!!*

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