One step forward and at least three back. That's my life. Although, sometimes, it feels more like TEN back. That's how I feel lately. Especially at work. Going in circles...
And then somewhere along the way, I picked up this nasty habit... a penchant for grocery shopping. Not just any shopping... GROCERY shopping. Gosh, what the hell is happening to me?? As someone who notoriously hates the "S" word; and the act even more; I've become quite chummy with various aspects of it: shopping carts, the aisles, the options... they're like friends who welcome you to a party and they don't judge you.
Just this weekend I went out to buy some shampoo. Three hours, R884.65 and NO shampoo later, I came home with this:
Turns out, I accidentally took two Conditioners instead of the normal combo. Story of my life. The psychology behind it is even more intriguing. The truth is that the shopping is nothing but a symptom of the problem. The fact is, I am an addict.
When I encounter a stumbling block in my life, my natural self-defense mechanism kicks in and I distract myself with one of my silly addictions. Then I spend a significant amount of time trying to wean myself off it, trying to break the cycle of being addicted to that something or someone. And because we very rarely ever give up our addictions and only substitute them, I give up one addiction for another, much to the detriment of my credit card, my dignity and sometimes, my ear drums, and my sleeping patterns.
Sometimes the addiction isn't so bad... sometimes it's as simple as music... a lyric, a song, an album, an artist... and sometimes it entails losing myself in a good book or a movie - seemingly harmless.
But other times... my addictions only bring devastation. I have been addicted to chocolate in the past. As well as wheat and gluten - which I happen to be allergic to - wreaking all sorts of havoc with my health; that when I eventually made up my mind to give it up for good, it was akin to giving up crack, cold turkey.
Sometimes I get addicted to being lonely, or sad. And I convince myself that it's meant to be like this and end up pushing people away because I think I want to be alone.
Then there are times I get addicted to the chase... and I love to love people who aren't available... like Adonis at work, and David Gandy, and William Levy... even though I know full well that there isn't a chance in HELL that it will ever come to pass - WITH the distinct knowledge that if by some sheer miracle William Levy did come knocking on my door, I'd probably throw up on him and hide in the closet.
I'm addicted to living hypothetically... in dreams... in what-ifs... in what CAN be... in what should be... and much too often, in regret. I'm addicted to wasting time, losing myself in the ethereal, because reality is sometimes too much to bear. I'm addicted to the past, even though I've actually let it go. I'm addicted to the future - the anticipation of what will come... and no amount of real living in the present changes that. I'm addicted to the escape.
I'm addicted to being an Addict. And I've decided that when all is said and done, it has to stop. It just has to. And with Ramadan around the corner, I've decided to start a little early by embarking on another kind of fast... a fast from my addictions. Well, a concerted effort is expected from myself, at the very least :)