Sunday, 27 October 2013

Cumbersome, I like this word

I'm not dead, dear reader. It's just that lately, it feels like I struggle to keep up... with just about everything in my life. And as the days seem to blur into weeks and time races away from us with an unprecedented speed, I find myself reeling. I wake up most mornings having forgotten what day it is, where am I, and what's going on, before it all comes back to me. 

At the beginning of October, this blog turned 5 years old. That's five whole years I've been rambling and sprouting shit on the interwebs (not counting the two years prior to that when I sat as a spectator to everyone elses ramblings and sproutings). Five whole years of sharing my experiences and learning the lessons and trying to make sense of things. The worst is that for the most part, I feel like it was all in vain. That I never got anywhere, that I never progressed in any way, that I'm running around in circles like a mouse caught on one of those god-awful treadmills, or a dog chasing its own tail. 

Of course, that isn't entirely true. The person I was five years ago and the person I am today is two entirely different people. We live and learn. We change and grow, whether we want to or not. The thing with life is that it doesn't wait for you to be ready. And it doesn't ask your permission to happen. It just happens. Then we're left either reeling, or picking up the pieces, or trying to make sense of it all... and that's the opportunity to learn the lesson. And learn the lessons, I did. Still am.

It still doesn't take away from my frustration with life and that feeling like its all a royal waste of time though. There have been days over the last few months that I sincerely wished I was dead. And sometimes that emotion was warranted, other times it was just me being a tad dramatic, as usual. In all cases, it's exhausting. I find life exhausting, and stifling, and cumbersome with no real joy to be had... and some days its just difficult to breathe.

I'm thinking I need a change.

16 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. Change is definitely needed. What kind of changes are you hoping for?

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    1. I've just discovered that a holiday is long overdue Deidre :)

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  2. oh no, that doesn't sound good. I don't know what's going on, but it does sound like something needs to change. what do you want your life to be like??

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    1. Hey Petra :) It looks more and more like I'm in desperate need of a break.

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  3. gosh it's like the last paragraph came out of my mind. Verbatim as to what I was thinking yesterday.
    Understand you completely, exact same place.
    I want and really need a change too, definitely a new start in a new city with new people in my life.

    We must facebook chat or something sometime. What happened to Italy....lol let's just do it! :)

    -Chantal

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    1. Yes, I'm behind chatting to my online friends, will get you online soon Chantal.

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  4. I know how you feel. But have you caught up with someone you haven't spoken to in awhile and realized everything that HAS happened in the past year? I hope you find yourself out of the funk soon - I miss the bright and sassy Azra

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    1. *sigh* I miss her too Rooth. Which reminds me, we're long overdue for our online chat.

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    1. I believe, you've hit the Jackpot there LL. Right on the marker.

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  6. Azra - we need a plan. I know EXACTLY what you mean. I often wonder what's the point of anything. There are moments of wonderfulness (I've just been on a fab holiday) but then the everyday humdrum, groundhog day, where and what am I doing shenanigans leaves me wilted and questioning.
    I love ya though :)

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    1. Julietta, it has been established - what I lack is 10cc's of Vacation and a Pint of Beach ;)

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    2. Yes. Yes you do. And no one deserves it more :)

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  7. This is very true. It's odd to have a medium where you can compare yourself from xx years ago to today. It sometimes can be a bit depressing in certain areas and better in others. Similar thing happened to me recently when I went to visit family in a different country...for the first time in 8 years! Rough now but I think you'll come out stronger after a bit of reflection.

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    1. ipenka - I think it's even more depressing because as people, we usually have an idea/expectation as to where we should be at certain milestones in our lives and alas... we're highly disappointed if we don't reach or surpass those goals - and we ultimately end up feeling like failures. *sigh*

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  8. Oh hon...heartbreaking words. Hugs! How can I help?

    (Haven't been reading yours or anyone's blog for weeks so apologies for the late comment.)

    As others have said: holidaaaay! Go. NOW. Or, you know, go posthaste! And also, you're wonderful and you kick ass, and these crappy feelings are growing pains. One of those shitty periods that roll around in peaks and troughs. Fie on them!

    Be kind to yourself. Hugs again!

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