I'm not dead, dear reader. It's just that lately, it feels like I struggle to keep up... with just about everything in my life. And as the days seem to blur into weeks and time races away from us with an unprecedented speed, I find myself reeling. I wake up most mornings having forgotten what day it is, where am I, and what's going on, before it all comes back to me.
At the beginning of October, this blog turned 5 years old. That's five whole years I've been rambling and sprouting shit on the interwebs (not counting the two years prior to that when I sat as a spectator to everyone elses ramblings and sproutings). Five whole years of sharing my experiences and learning the lessons and trying to make sense of things. The worst is that for the most part, I feel like it was all in vain. That I never got anywhere, that I never progressed in any way, that I'm running around in circles like a mouse caught on one of those god-awful treadmills, or a dog chasing its own tail.
Of course, that isn't entirely true. The person I was five years ago and the person I am today is two entirely different people. We live and learn. We change and grow, whether we want to or not. The thing with life is that it doesn't wait for you to be ready. And it doesn't ask your permission to happen. It just happens. Then we're left either reeling, or picking up the pieces, or trying to make sense of it all... and that's the opportunity to learn the lesson. And learn the lessons, I did. Still am.
It still doesn't take away from my frustration with life and that feeling like its all a royal waste of time though. There have been days over the last few months that I sincerely wished I was dead. And sometimes that emotion was warranted, other times it was just me being a tad dramatic, as usual. In all cases, it's exhausting. I find life exhausting, and stifling, and cumbersome with no real joy to be had... and some days its just difficult to breathe.
I'm thinking I need a change.