Tuesday, 3 February 2015

#Winning


It's the strangest thing actually. For the first time, in a very long time, I find myself actually being afraid of what the future holds. I'm not quite sure what is it exactly that I'm afraid of... is it the unknown; or the uncertainty; or that for once, I have no preconceived notions or ideas of what the future should look like.

Worse still, I find that for me, there's no point in building these elaborate castles in the air... grand plans and great expectations are like the pins at the end of a bowling alley just waiting to be shot into oblivion at every turn.

The one thing I do find comfort in these days is that most things in life are fleeting. Nothing lasts forever. You won't be doing what you're doing forever; you won't be in these circumstances forever; you won't feel the way you're feeling, forever. There will definitely come a day when it will end... whatever you're doing, feeling, thinking... the adversities, holidays, pain, chocolate, your favourite series on TV, everything ends... some things sooner than others. This makes me profoundly sad and on occasion even has me wondering what's the point to anything really.

And while these are certainly not new or groundbreaking ruminations, for me, it is definitely hitting home harder, and in a way it never did before.

Which leads me back to why I'm afraid. I think that while we know things will inevitably change, most people are desperately hoping they change for the better, and not for the worse. That things will change is a given; just most people prefer to hit the jackpot when that change does come around - and not be found floundering further in whatever wave of despair decides to lap on the shores of life. And people can say what they want to about becoming stronger for it, but no one desires adversity. 

For the most part, I'll just continue to wing it. I seem to do that a lot these days... maybe one of these days I'll even morph into a chicken. Going with God. And blind faith. And trusting that it will all fall into place in the end. Or I'll be dead. Either way, #winning.

11 comments:

  1. I am looking, with extreme optimism, toward the future and change in a good way. Of course, good and bad, it'll both happen but that's the beauty of it all. And no one could ever accuse of having boring lives, right?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Same here @Rooth... I reckon this year is the beginning of something great.

      Delete
  2. "Winning" is right. "No preconceived notions or ideas of what the future should look like" = freedom.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @RovingRetorter - And we all know how priceless Freedom is :)

      Delete
  3. Contentment has its own rewards. Sending you smiles.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @Dixie - Thank you sweet lady :)

      Delete
  4. Look no one does ask for adversity. but what if it turns out, thats where you find the best version of you? #ownit

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @Aasia - Yep, adversity is a given and it's what "makes" us... I'd still prefer that my biggest problem this year be that I can't find gluten-free cheesecake ;)

      Delete
  5. Azra, the paragraph about things ending and not lasting forever is a thought process that ALSO makes me depressed. Yeah, like..what's the point? And then I'm just this tiny speck of nothing on a ting speck of a planet in a gigantic universe of many galaxies. And then I think..yeah...sod it! I'm gonna do everything I can before I slip off the dish since I'm so insignificant , and I'm gonna do ALL that right after I've had a bit of a nap....;)
    It will all turn out alright in the end, if not, then it's not the end :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @Jules - Eat some cheesecake... or chocolate and then everything starts to make sense :D

      Delete
  6. I'm wavering a bit on that one. I have good days and bad days. an almost suffocating feeling of urgency swaps places with an almost zen-like sensation of 'this too shall pass'. but I know the kind of fear you describe only too well. is it an age thing?

    ReplyDelete