It's the strangest thing actually. For the first time, in a very long time, I find myself actually being afraid of what the future holds. I'm not quite sure what is it exactly that I'm afraid of... is it the unknown; or the uncertainty; or that for once, I have no preconceived notions or ideas of what the future should look like.
Worse still, I find that for me, there's no point in building these elaborate castles in the air... grand plans and great expectations are like the pins at the end of a bowling alley just waiting to be shot into oblivion at every turn.
The one thing I do find comfort in these days is that most things in life are fleeting. Nothing lasts forever. You won't be doing what you're doing forever; you won't be in these circumstances forever; you won't feel the way you're feeling, forever. There will definitely come a day when it will end... whatever you're doing, feeling, thinking... the adversities, holidays, pain, chocolate, your favourite series on TV, everything ends... some things sooner than others. This makes me profoundly sad and on occasion even has me wondering what's the point to anything really.
And while these are certainly not new or groundbreaking ruminations, for me, it is definitely hitting home harder, and in a way it never did before.
Which leads me back to why I'm afraid. I think that while we know things will inevitably change, most people are desperately hoping they change for the better, and not for the worse. That things will change is a given; just most people prefer to hit the jackpot when that change does come around - and not be found floundering further in whatever wave of despair decides to lap on the shores of life. And people can say what they want to about becoming stronger for it, but no one desires adversity.
For the most part, I'll just continue to wing it. I seem to do that a lot these days... maybe one of these days I'll even morph into a chicken. Going with God. And blind faith. And trusting that it will all fall into place in the end. Or I'll be dead. Either way, #winning.