There's something bittersweet about returning to the Kingdom after every holiday. One would think that I'd be accustomed to it by now, but alas.
No, it's different every single time.
In many ways, it's like dying over and over again... new beginnings, saying hello, getting accustomed to people / places / things / strategies / processes and procedures, going through the ups and downs... great times, hectic times... hours and days just a haze of activity... preparing for the mass exodus once more, saying goodbye and moving on or alternatively staying put but having everything around you move on, things coming to that inevitable end. Waiting for the new.
Nothing lasts for very long here.
It's the cycle of life. Just amplified.
And sometimes, it's exhilarating, and other times it's fucking depressing.
There are times, I don't know if I'd be able to do it any other way.
And then there are other times when it's clear that you're nothing but a pawn on this chess board called life and you have no control over what goes anyway.
It's become very clear that I can't go back to living an "ordinary life". Life as I knew it has ceased to exist. I can't even stomach the thought. It makes me feel rebellious... rebelling against what/how they told us things should be. But now, where to from here?
I just died again.
Entertaining these thoughts is both invigorating and slightly devastating.
How to just go with it, with no expectation? Without feeling like there's something being lost every time? Without wanting anything more?
Somebody tell me.
I want to know.