Saturday, 19 September 2015

Elegiac Tones

There's something bittersweet about returning to the Kingdom after every holiday. One would think that I'd be accustomed to it by now, but alas.

No, it's different every single time. 

In many ways, it's like dying over and over again... new beginnings, saying hello, getting accustomed to people / places / things / strategies / processes and procedures, going through the ups and downs... great times, hectic times... hours and days just a haze of activity... preparing for the mass exodus once more, saying goodbye and moving on or alternatively staying put but having everything around you move on, things coming to that inevitable end. Waiting for the new.

Nothing lasts for very long here.

It's the cycle of life. Just amplified.

And sometimes, it's exhilarating, and other times it's fucking depressing.

There are times, I don't know if I'd be able to do it any other way.

And then there are other times when it's clear that you're nothing but a pawn on this chess board called life and you have no control over what goes anyway.

It's become very clear that I can't go back to living an "ordinary life". Life as I knew it has ceased to exist. I can't even stomach the thought. It makes me feel rebellious... rebelling against what/how they told us things should be. But now, where to from here?

I just died again.

Entertaining these thoughts is both invigorating and slightly devastating. 

How to just go with it, with no expectation? Without feeling like there's something being lost every time? Without wanting anything more? 

Somebody tell me.

I want to know.


  1. When you have been away and experienced something new, it changes you. Going back to the usual is hard; sometimes comforting and safe but it sounds to me, in your case that you’ve outgrown it and seek something else. There’s nothing wrong in rebelling and there’s nothing wrong with going with the flow. In life, we have to flit between the two and yes, sometimes that’s OK and sometimes it’s depressing as hell.
    Nobody can tell you what to do or how to do it. My advice is that you learn about yourself, accept yourself and feed yourself with things that inspire you, motivate you and make you grow. It’s never going to be easy, I can tell you that but then the most interesting journeys never are. x

  2. A pawn . . .

    The moving finger writes; and, having writ,
     Moves on: nor all thy piety nor wit,
    Shall lure it back to cancel half a line,
     Nor all thy tears wash out a word of it.

    But helpless pieces in the game He plays,
     Upon this chequer-board of nights and days,
    He hither and thither moves, and mates and slays,
     Then one by one, back in the closet lays.

  3. As to your future. Simples. Identify your unique talents (we could help) and go where they will be most rewarded, in whatever way you define 'reward'.

    1. That's the difficult part Colin.

  4. For me, I made the right choice (of Spain) 15 years ago. Ironically, it was more an accidental than analytical decision, though not entirely. I did know what I was looking for.

    1. I'm guessing the best decision in life are the ones we make unintentionally Colin :)

  5. I don't know. I keep cycling in my mind, rebirth and death, over and over again even though I'm not physically moving. How do you stay still, even mentally?

    1. I don't think I've mastered standing still in any capacity Rooth :) I'd love to know how though!

    2. The way I see it, Rooth, we're all standing still. Our sense of progress is an illusion. No?

  6. It's like dying over and over again... I'm sorry to hear that, Az. I don't even want to know about the procedures. Procedures were invented to keep you in check. Freedom was invented for the rich. Being a rebel is a waste of time... unless there's an aim you can reach.

    You know I'm here for you. Have always been, will always be. Hang in there, cous.